I really want to ask you if you're already ok, or if we are already ok. It pains me, this thing that we are going through right now. I am sad; I find myself crying just about every night. I wish that we will just go back. You know, back. I am hurting so much it's like I am breaking into a million pieces everytime I think of you.
I want to ask, how do you feel knowing you're hurting me? Does my pain make you feel better? I am not saying you're bad. I am just thinking did I hurt you that much? I pushed you away for what 3 times? Do I need to go through this for this long? Nobody has hurt me this much my entire life. I am so confused. I don't know if you still wish to have a life with me.
Just a few days ago, I looked at our house. Do you remember that we have one, or that we will have one in the future? Right now, the future looks too bleak. What used to be so sure, so clear, so true now just feels like a blot in the days to come. Before, I close my eyes and I see you -- you wth me. I see us. I close my eyes now, and there is nothing. The future is that blank.
We used to be so sure. We used to be so happy. I look back, and now, I don't remember when the last time we actually laughed together was. When was that? Do you remember? Do you still wish to remember? I wish I can still feel you, but I don't anymore. It's numb. Everything is.
I am holding on because I am wishing there will still be a future. As a matter of fact, I have contacted some photographers and reception venues over the weekend. I am wishing for our wedding still.
I love you. I hope you know how much. I am sorry that you don't seem to love me anymore. I pity myself for having you, but not really. For seeing you, but not really. For having you sit right next to me, and not feel you. I wish I could say in one blog page how much I want you back. Or maybe I can.
But will you?