Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Past, Present, and Future Presented (but not necessarily in that order)

I've been gone for quite some time, and during the past few months, a lot of things happened and changed. For now, I'll focus on the changes because I haven't gotten around to editing the pictures that will go in the blog post about the things that happened yet.

It's no secret that I already left my job of more than four years sometime in February. Back during that time, I thought I had a pretty clear idea of where I want to go to next. I was pretty dead set in pursuing a career in one of the biggest companies in the country that my uncle was employed in. I was thinking of a career in communications or sales.

However, I did not go apply for a job immediately after leaving my old company. I figured, if I get a job soon, it's going to get in the way of my planned Coron trip in March, which was really my main concern that time. Instead, I took a part time job because I really didn't want to be bothered with schedule. I only started looking for a job sometime after the Holy Week and was all excited about what the world will have for me -- only to have my little happy bubble get burst.

I thought that my four-year experience at CCI will actually get me somewhere. After all, and this would sound a lot like bragging, I've done a number of things there I am proud of and handling a team seems like an experience that is going to be relevant in other companies. Unfortunately, it isn't. The kind of service we offer at Clientcomm is so unique, it's impossible to use it anywhere else. Aside from this, my experience handling teams there will only lead to another job in a BPO-setting, something I am not really sure I like.

To cut the long story short, I spent less than two months going to interviews, and nothing fruitful came out of them. My experience just seemed irrelevant everywhere. Add that to the fact that I didn't use my Computer Science degree at all during the past four years that I've been working, deeming that degree practically unusable.

It's at this point wherein I sunk in a semi-depressed state that no one really knew except the boyfriend. I was filled with frustrations from head to foot. For a short time, I didn't know what to do with my life, and there were times when I was alone and I'll just cry. But just like what I learned back in 2010, I started to rise up above it all when I've already sunk so low.

Sometime in June, I started re-assessing my priorities and my motivations in getting a job, and I realized that maybe I was going after a career for the wrong reasons. Over the past year, I've been acquainted with what I will call the career people (how un-inventive, Bianca. haha). I wouldn't name who these people are, but the stories I've been hearing about their jobs and the perks were pretty impressive that I kind of wanted the same thing for myself.  It made me see the the big differences with their careers and my job at CCI. At CCI, people will come at a point where they will have to admit that it's the farthest they can go already. I saw this point because of the career people. There was no way I'm going to get what those people are getting if I stayed at CCI. I feel that this is one of the main reasons why I left my previous job.

When I sunk low, however, I started asking myself if the benefits of a career are really what's pushing me to look for one in the first place. Will that reason be enough? I spent some time analyzing and re-analyzing what I really want. Do I just want a health card? A car loan? Security? What do I really want the future to be like? This re-assessment didn't really allow me to look forward to today, but it did something even better: it brought me back to the past.

I realized that I knew what I want all along. As a matter of fact,  my dreams were very clear as early as I was 16, probably when I was even younger. I've always known what I want to be. I may have been unsure the past couple of years, but my heart has always known. My semi-depressed state made me realize what my dream is, and what it has always been: I want to be a mother.

I want a child or children, no matter how many God gives me. I want someone to read stories to, teach alphabets to, make clay sculptures with. I want someone to feed and smell and discipline. I want someone I will bring to Nursery school, and if he/she goes home crying, I'll want to be the person to wipe those tears away and tell him/her that Mama will always be here. And then he/she will smile and things will be alright again. Then we'll draw and color and even cook brownies. I'll teach him/her who Jesus is and make sure he/she will  never go to bed without saying a prayer of thanks. I'll make sure he/she knows what's right from wrong and make sure he/she will know how to say "I'm sorry," "thank you," and "I love you." And when he/she has grown and get hurt and make mistakes, I'm going to be there for him/her to hold on, too.

But not only that. I also want a husband who'll give me the sweetest kiss when he gets home from work and tell me that he's just eaten the best meal he's ever eaten every single time. When he'll have a particularly hard day at work, I'll give him a back rub and make sure he goes to bed with a smile on his face. I want someone who'll tell me he's got my back and I'll also tell him I've got his. On very lazy Sundays, we'll just watch TV together. I want a husband who's going to raise God-fearing children with me. Who's going to be with me through the thick and thin and everything that will go in between even when everything's going South already.

And before I know it, things just fell into place.

Right now, I've stopped job searching. Why am I going after a career I know I will let go of when the time comes my dream will come true? So does this mean I'll just bum around my house until I get married and have a family? Or were you guys thinking I'm about to announce that I'm with a baby and getting married before the year ends? Ummm, neither.

I have decided to take on a full-time, home-based work, and while I'm at it, I'll start the business I've conceptualized last year. Maybe, I'll take a sewing class -- something I've always wanted but never found the time to do. And since I can bring my job anywhere, I can go on trips whenever I want to. Or I can take up Education majoring in Child Education to prepare for the time when I'm with a child or children. Suddenly, the opportunities are endless.

So to commemorate these changes, I did this:

Oh, I did mention changes? The other change is I got drunk already, and as I was told, I was a very funny drunk. I'm turning 26 in October, and I only got drunk this year. The culprit? Tequila. My boyfriend and I had half a bottle of tequila the night the Comedy King died. You'd think, after I've gotten smashed (and developed rashes after), that I will just completely forget about tequila. Unfortunately, I haven't. I think about tequila every now and then, but I've been good. Haven't gotten drunk again. At least not yet.

And that is the anticlimactic end to this blog post. Sorry for the letdown, you guys. :)