Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Breakup Buddies

I haven't been the best type of friend in the three years that I have been with Mr. H. I almost never went out with my friends except for those once-a-year get togethers with my college buddies. All interaction and funny conversations with officemates happened in the confines of the office. In other words, I had an almost non-existent social life, but I didn't really care that much. I had a great lovelife (as far as I was concerned). That is the only reason I have for not finding and making time for my friends.

So imagine my surprise when everyone I ditched for three years all got into the "Breakup Cruise" when Mr. H. and I broke up. I was so overwhelmed with the support. All I had to do was utter 3 words (We broke up), and they were all there even if I didn't explicitly asked for them. I was more than happy and grateful that they showed the support I needed and helped me figure things out even I was just sulking and moping and practically throwing a tantrum when we accidentally found ourselves in High Street Friday night (I am sorry Flip and Chad. I wasn't ready to be in High Street yet. It was the last place we visited as a happy couple. But thank you for allowing me to walk outside High Street rather than through it. I love you both).

April is probably the first one who absorbed all the shock last Tuesday. The first one I told that Mr. H. and I are officially over. I felt her presence even if she was in QC. She asked all the right questions (Hinde ba third party?) and said all the right words (Don't stress yourself. Baka mapatay nga namin si Mr. H pag nagkataon). Those are actually quite funny. She made me laugh, this girl.

Next is Flip. Flip knows all the problems Mr. H. and I are having prior to the breakup for he has assigned himself to be my official guardian. Even before we broke up, Flip already explained every shit that Mr. H. had me go through. He is that guy friend I needed who should be the co-author of "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." He answered every question I had in the way I would understand (though it's so hard to understand men. I don't know where they got their brains manufactured), called Mr. H. a jerk, and let me cry when I needed to (with chips in hand, no less!).

Then there is Chad, the friend who manipulated me into Kenny Rogers, so he'll be able to get the shit that's happening out of me. I told him everything the night before Mr. H. and I broke up and that last chat conversation we had. We were both hopeful that with the last words Mr. H. said, he'll be coming back to his senses and that he just needs more space like he claimed he needed. However, we were both so wrong, so when we saw each other the next day when my heart is already all broken up, he let me cry, too, saying, "Lakasan mo lang. Wag mo dibdibin." A few days after, we had a good laugh over our credit card joke, went out last Friday, and allowed me to say "Punyeta" a few times while we were walking the length of High Street.

And of course, who will forget Katey, the one who helped me understand that "Dude, he was never coming back. He had it planned the first time he asked for space." She is the friend who shared chocolate chip mint ice cream with me and lent me a very good idea to let Mr. H. know he messed with the wrong Superfox. Until now, the evil idea has not left my brain, so Mr. H. shouldn't really keep his defense down.

Lastly, there was Riki and Albert who I think got as confused as I am since they have spent college with both Mr. H. and I. We never understood him, but we had good laughs over Riki's collection of very corny but equally funny knock-knock jokes (from Ramon Bautista himself!). It was so corny I actually thought of knocking the poor guy down, but what the hey! He's just trying to make me happy, I think. All in all, it was a nice dinner even if Riki really just made fun of my new status and told me that Mr. H. and I just wasted time and emotions for three years.

I know that more people are there for me and I just need to call on them. A lot of people showed love in FB even if I didn't know they cared. Someday, when I am mended up, I may write them all a note or will be there for them when the same thing happens to them. Right now, I just still really need them a lot, so I hope that they will continue to be there until I won't need breakup buddies anymore and need just my buddies back.

A Prayer

Lord, from now on, let this not be about me trying to understand. Instead, let this be about me and how I will be fine. I want to be fine. I want to stop the hurt and continue living. No matter how many self-help books I read, I know that I will need Your help, so I am asking for it now. Please make me fine. Help me through this. Be my strength when there's none left anymore. Help me clean my heart of the hurt and anger. Let me live the life that I should be living right now. Amen.

Friday, May 28, 2010

A Different Life

I would have to admit that even when I look fine most of the time, there are times when I still spend time thinking how everything went completely wrong in our relationship. Many people say it was perfect, that we are great for each other. And for the most part, I think that we really are.

But the big question is what went wrong?

I tried to rehash things and understand it from all sides, and I came to one conclusion: Hub wasn't strong enough to handle me. All throughout our relationship, I have been pretty honest with practically everything. Early on, when it wasn't even us yet, I admitted that I get bored easily, and he replied with "Magbabago-bago ako everyday para iba araw-araw." I was really like that, and I was honest about it. I did not tell anyone that I am going to be as sweet as a cupcake or as patient as a preschool teacher. So for three years, he tried to keep up with me just to make and keep me happy. And then he got tired.

As much as I want to blame myself for everything, I can't. I can't because I didn't know that he was just keeping up. Nobody told me. He never complained. What hurts the most is that fact: that he did not complain. I may be a bitch, but I would stop being one just so I can keep that one person I love. It hurts because he only told me so after three years when there is absolutely nothing that I could do anymore but hurt. And man, it sucks like hell.

Another thing that I hate him so much for is that he made me wait for more than four weeks making me believe that he'll be coming back when that's not even a part of his plan. He never planned to come back. What he is, however, is a man with no balls to tell me that "hey, this shit we call a relationship is not working anymore and I want out." He didn't. Instead, he waited for me to do it, and when I finally did, he ended the conversation with "I am still hoping for us.. Not today.. not this week.. but soon sana" making me think that there is still us to wait for. And wait I did -- for another week. Then come our monthsary, I greeted him, and I was slapped with "it's over. You ended us last week." Oh, WTF! How in the world did that fuckin happen? I was damn waiting for nothing.

This is such a sad ending to such a great love story, but everytime I wish to sulk and mope and cry my heart out and look down from buildings and wonder "will the fall kill me?", I think of myself and how there is still a lot to look forward to. My life didn't end. We did. And while I would've given my life for Hub no matter how short of a life that will be, I can't mope and sulk and cry my heart out and commit suicide for someone who dumped me after making me think he's working on his issues.

It sucks to be in this situation, but little by little life's colors are coming back again. Little by little I've been breaking out of my comfort zone and finding new meaning in life. Little by little I've stopped blaming myself for being me. I am letting go of the anger and come into terms that it's O.V.E.R. It's time to live a different life now, one that I have forgotten for more than three years.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

No matter how much I say that I hate you and I just want to punch you right in the middle of your face, I know, deep down, that I will still take you back no matter what.

A new side of the story was explored last night when I was out having dinner with Albert and Riki. That story is of how Hub must be feeling so pressured about his work that he wasn't able to take everything in -- our fights and his work-related stress. This means that he let me go because he needs to choose one to keep.

As much as that sounds cruel, I just feel a little sad about it instead of being hateful. I don't hate him if that is the case. While I don't like being take for granted, I kind of understand why Hub wants to prove a lot when it comes to work. He has made a point before: that is what he will do for the rest of his life, and his future means a lot to me.

Point is I just really want him back once all the stress at work has passed. As much as I want to move on completely and how I tell people these, I know I would never want to be with anyone else.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

He crushed 3 years and forever right at the palm of my hand, and I don't know how in the world I am going to forgive him.

For two days now, I keep on waking up too early, way before the alarm goes off. I don't know why. Is it because I don't find anything good about sleeping anymore? Also, for two days now, there have been times when I am left alone in my thoughts and I remember him, and everything in me turns into some kind of mush. I feel like I don't have the strength to do absolutely anything.

But, ironically, I learned I have this strength that I didn't have. The day after the breakup I can already rehash things for people who asked without me crying my heart out. I can even tell them my side of the story with a little bit of humor and shrugging it off like it didn't break my heart in a million pieces. The only time I cried yesterday was when I saw all the messages of love from friends and others that I haven't talked to for a long time or didn't even know they cared encouraging me that I will move on. And I owe it all to them to move on. People I've talked to yesterday have told me I am coping well with the situation taking into account that this is not your normal breakup. This is an engagement that broke.

I wish I can sum up in this blog how angry I am at Hub for leaving me like this. He did it little by little. Only now did I realize that he really wasn't planning to come back all these time he asked for space. That was never his plan. His plan is to alter my life and make me feel like he isn't there, so that when he finally drops the bomb on me, he'd think that it won't be that painful anymore. Well, his plan already failed the moment he planned it. First, because I never prepared myself for a breakup. Second, only someone stupid will think that he can break an engagement with as little hurt as possible. He crushed 3 years and forever right at the palm of my hand, and I don't know how in the world I am going to forgive him.

I wish I can blame myself for everything I did. Well, partially, I can, but I can't blame myself for him letting himself get angry at me for three years and not letting me know. That is, again, a stupid thing to do and it reminds me so much of what his ex did to one of my friends. Why in the world are you telling me this now when you had three years to complain? You don't drop everything you've kept for so long on a person only to let them know when it's already too late. Right then and there, I felt betrayed for three years and 5 months. I don't know how he loved me and left me in this state. I didn't know how he was able to do that because seriously when he was having a grand time doing some unforgivable things, I went on ahead with the relationship because that is what love is about. I have given him all the time and opportunity to be better by letting him know of things that I didn't like which he never used to make himself better. And when he didn't take that opportunity, I never left him, never surrendered because that is what love is about. These things he did makes me want to completely forget that the past 3 or so years happened.

However, as much as I want to forget as easily as I can, it scares me. Probably because I don't want to be alright now, and then somewhere down the road, I'll break down because I fooled myself to believe that I am really alright. I want to move slowly but steady. I take the pain little by little.

On the other hand, I also realized that I can move on easily because I have accepted that it is over. The relationship is not going to happen again. No matter how many people wished that we will be alright sometime in the future, I don't think that it's going to happen ever. And most especially, Hub proved to me that he can't be there for me when I need him. And for this reason, I choose not to be with someone who is not able to handle me.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I can't sum up everything that happened today. No matter how long the feud has been going on already, I can't believe it ended. It's over. It's like having your dream there at the palm of your hand, and someone crushed it right then and there. No matter how you try to put it back, the pieces just keep on falling into pieces.

When I was 19, I wanted to get married at 21. When I was 20, the first boyfriend and I broke up, and since then, I just really wanted to be married. I never put an age to it, but before 25 would be nice. And last January, I thought that my dream was unraveling right before my eyes. And for 4 whole months after, I was in ecstatic bliss. I can't count how many wedding sites I looked through, how many countless gown designs I've considered. I can't count how many hours I spent in the office not doing my work, and just playing over and over in my head how October 2011 will be like.

And then it's over. I wish I knew exactly how. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that things haven't been fine for three years, practically the whole duration of the relationship. I didn't know; I wasn't that aware. I mean, how could I have figured that out now? I have a house and someone to share that dream with.

But there are things to be thankful for. I was happy that it didn't happen when everything's already in place and I am in my wedding gown waiting in church. I am thankful it happened now, when there's less work to do. I am thankful to have wonderful people loving me and making sure I am fine. I owe it to them to be fine. I am thankful that slowly I am coming into terms with myself. I am thankful that despite everything I am me; I didn't lose myself, didn't lie. I may have been an ass, but I never pretended that things are fine.

I am giving myself time to grieve. No matter how much I pray that I want to go through all 5 stages of grieving in one day, I want to be realistic about this. Someday, I will be fine. Someday, I'll look back at this chapter and be happy that despite the way my story played out, I still got my happy ending.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Tired. Too Tired.

I want to say I'm fine, and that I am coping well. However, I can't pretend anymore. I am so tired of everything that's been happening to me. Hub and I are not fine, and I can only wish (and hope) that we'll be back to what we've been in the future. It's damn hard that I cannot even tell a soul or probably that I can't bring myself to tell anyone everything I want to share. I don't know where to start telling anyway. Everything's a blur. The last good thing I remember is him hugging me and telling me it's just me he loves. I gave him a weekend to spend with the people he wants to spend time with, and he never came back anymore. I wish he'll just be back. I miss him terribly. This week, I thought I was angry enough that I can shout in his face that I don't want him ever again. But who am I kidding. I love him, and I've failed to make him feel that. I wish that we can just go back in time, when we're just getting to know each other, and know all these and not cause him any hurt. God I miss him so much I looked over his profile picture in FB and kissed him. I thought I cannot break more than I did last May 18, but I've never been more wrong. Everyday I don't see him or hear from him or see him online, I break in a million more pieces.

Next, the team has not completed the quota for two weeks now. While I understand that people are tired, I can't quite make myself understand that. I can't quite put the disappointment into words anymore.

Lord, please make me strong. I need You now. I feel so alone, and I am hurting so much. Please hug me as I sleep tonight, and please hear what my heart has been telling You. Only You can hear it. I know You know what's going on. Please help me. Let me feel the love that's been lacking in my life.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Been Doing Good. Surprisingly.

It has been a good week, so far. :)

I found out this week that staying late in the office, when there's just very few people left, is actually kind of fun. It allows for Pyramid to be played loudly for a gazillion times (hanggang mapaos si Charice na hindi naman nangyayari), allows for singing out loud without the bosses giving weird looks, allows for faster essays (amazing), allows for dinner-outs with friends. It practically allows for everything to happen.

Amazing. This week was that. It was amazing in ways I never thought it would be. Might be even more amazing if you're a part of this life.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Afterthoughts of a weekend

It's amazing how much I was able to forget while out with great people in a great place.

It has been a great weekend with people I love being with. I love all the talking and the laughing and the swimming and even the drinking (first time to try vodka). For a little less than 24 hours, I forgot I wasn't wanted. Forgot that there was a quota yet to be completed. Forgot that tomorrow will be the start of a new work week. Forgot I was hurting. Forgot just about everything even if it was a place we spent time together.

What the friends said were all comforting. But the moment I stepped in Manila, there it was again -- that feeling I can't quite put into words. I was able to stop crying for 24 hours, but there it was again. Maybe, it was the vodka that allowed me to sleep soundly. Maybe that should become a part of the nightly routine. But it must really be the good friends with the vodka. Hehe. No, it was really the good friends.

I wish I can just stay there forever, even if it will bring back memories eventually. I wish I can stay lounging in the pool, facing the sun and seeing only the light. I kind of don't care about the weird tan lines anymore (courtesy of the monokini). It was great just being there. I felt one with the water, one with the trees, one with the sky, one with the sun. I felt whole. I felt like I wasn't looking for anything.

That is what I realized when I came home: I will really leave this place if things don't work out. I will need to. It will hurt more to leave friends, but somehow that will keep me sane and healthy. Happy, maybe not. But I guess, right now, sane is what I am really after.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Of Pains, Hurts, and More

Dear You,

I really want to ask you if you're already ok, or if we are already ok. It pains me, this thing that we are going through right now. I am sad; I find myself crying just about every night. I wish that we will just go back. You know, back. I am hurting so much it's like I am breaking into a million pieces everytime I think of you.

I want to ask, how do you feel knowing you're hurting me? Does my pain make you feel better? I am not saying you're bad. I am just thinking did I hurt you that much? I pushed you away for what 3 times? Do I need to go through this for this long? Nobody has hurt me this much my entire life. I am so confused. I don't know if you still wish to have a life with me.

Just a few days ago, I looked at our house. Do you remember that we have one, or that we will have one in the future? Right now, the future looks too bleak. What used to be so sure, so clear, so true now just feels like a blot in the days to come. Before, I close my eyes and I see you -- you wth me. I see us. I close my eyes now, and there is nothing. The future is that blank.

We used to be so sure. We used to be so happy. I look back, and now, I don't remember when the last time we actually laughed together was. When was that? Do you remember? Do you still wish to remember? I wish I can still feel you, but I don't anymore. It's numb. Everything is.

I am holding on because I am wishing there will still be a future. As a matter of fact, I have contacted some photographers and reception venues over the weekend. I am wishing for our wedding still.

I love you. I hope you know how much. I am sorry that you don't seem to love me anymore. I pity myself for having you, but not really. For seeing you, but not really. For having you sit right next to me, and not feel you. I wish I could say in one blog page how much I want you back. Or maybe I can.

But will you?

Come back?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

When I think that our future is put on hold and there is really nothing clear for us right now, it breaks me in a million, million pieces.