Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I can't sum up everything that happened today. No matter how long the feud has been going on already, I can't believe it ended. It's over. It's like having your dream there at the palm of your hand, and someone crushed it right then and there. No matter how you try to put it back, the pieces just keep on falling into pieces.

When I was 19, I wanted to get married at 21. When I was 20, the first boyfriend and I broke up, and since then, I just really wanted to be married. I never put an age to it, but before 25 would be nice. And last January, I thought that my dream was unraveling right before my eyes. And for 4 whole months after, I was in ecstatic bliss. I can't count how many wedding sites I looked through, how many countless gown designs I've considered. I can't count how many hours I spent in the office not doing my work, and just playing over and over in my head how October 2011 will be like.

And then it's over. I wish I knew exactly how. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that things haven't been fine for three years, practically the whole duration of the relationship. I didn't know; I wasn't that aware. I mean, how could I have figured that out now? I have a house and someone to share that dream with.

But there are things to be thankful for. I was happy that it didn't happen when everything's already in place and I am in my wedding gown waiting in church. I am thankful it happened now, when there's less work to do. I am thankful to have wonderful people loving me and making sure I am fine. I owe it to them to be fine. I am thankful that slowly I am coming into terms with myself. I am thankful that despite everything I am me; I didn't lose myself, didn't lie. I may have been an ass, but I never pretended that things are fine.

I am giving myself time to grieve. No matter how much I pray that I want to go through all 5 stages of grieving in one day, I want to be realistic about this. Someday, I will be fine. Someday, I'll look back at this chapter and be happy that despite the way my story played out, I still got my happy ending.

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