An Encore of Pain

"If you think you're happy, you'll be happy."

I'll have to admit that I snapped when I heard these words. My heart is crying; I can feel it losing control. I can feel it gasping for breathe. There are times when I feel it barely holding on to dear life.

I understand and hear what they are saying: he isn't worth it, good riddance, it's good you got yourself out of that relationship, and so on. Honestly, I think so, too, but it doesn't change the fact that it broke me. I feel so destroyed. I feel very broken.

I wish I can push myself to be happy. I've done it already, right? Yes, and here I am again. Right now, I feel like I fooled myself into believing I am already alright. It seems like I've only distracted myself and not really healed the wound. For a while, I was fine. Giddy even. And then this week, I found out that the arse and Lea Lebrilla are already together, I lost it. He is a lying bastard, that arse.

This isn't really supposed to be a surprise. I never doubted my belief that this pathetic excuse for a woman is the reason behind all the pain the arse made me go through. I have never loathed anyone in my life the way I loathe her.

So here I am now, one full of baggage. I wish I can just sleep tonight and be alright again tomorrow. I wish I can think I am happy. However, I already did. I did for 4 months. I tried my hardest. But I am just so tired to keep on trying so hard to be happy. My short states of giddiness these past few months were just that -- short. And I don't like feeling very bipolar anymore. I wish to be really happy that's probably why I am not even trying to be because right now, I am all broken up.

The Most Beautiful Picture of the Day

Johms and Khelle

Tonight...

I coughed up blood again. It has been a while since this last happened. I guess the last one was last March. However, I don't feel as scared as before. Actually, I am not scared anymore as I talked myself and Mama into believing that the blood felt like it is coming from my throat (as opposed to my lungs which is what my cardio is saying).

A lot has really changed since I lived a life alone. Sometimes, I am amazed myself at how very little can still throw me off course. It feels like I can live through anything already. I don't get annoyed anymore when plans get canceled. I don't throw a fit anymore when I lose things. I am not afraid of a short life anymore either (but I am hoping for a really long one).

I guess 2010 really is a blessing in disguise.

Status Messages

Bianca
Why do we always fall for the wrong people?

Donna
Sometimes people turn out "wrong" for you when they're not done figuring themselves out.

Rocky
Because they give us a benchmark of whom we can't be together with.

Mimi
Falling for the wrong people helps us know how to create a "right" relationship with an imperfect person.

Myri
Not that they're wrong. maybe they just aren't right for you.

The SMT people have the most sensible things to say. I am privileged to be a part of such a smart group.