Bi-Curious

I am not sure what the exact question is, but my best friend asked me 2 days ago what I think of girl-to-girl relationships -- if it's something I want to try. I don't know what look I had on my face, but this is what he said:

"Nako. Natigilan."

I DO NOT find girl-to-girl relationships repulsive. I kind of gave it some more thought this morning. Just, uhh, thinking if it's something I will do (HAHAHA). Like I said, I don't find the whole idea repulsive. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I won't give a straightforward "Yes" or a straightforward "No" either.

Let me, however, clarify what kind of girl-to-girl relationship I DO NOT find repulsive. If ever I will have a girlfriend (in my head, I'm like "God, no. God, no."), I don't want a man-girl. No short haircuts or big shirts. No one fat or too thin. If I am going to have a girlfriend, I want someone hot, with boobs, long hair, and pretty eyes. Actually, it will be with someone who looks like Katy Perry. I mean, seriously, if I am going to be in a relationship with a girl, I don't want to be with someone who looks like a boy because I don't see the point. If I want someone who looks like a boy, I might as well just be with a boy. I am not going to do a La Lohan here.

I don't know if I ought to be alarmed as to why I am suddenly entertaining such thoughts. My bestfriend said that I am bi-curious. Maybe, I am. I don't know, though, if it's something I will act on. I am afraid that this is what being single is doing to me. I have too much time left to think that I wonder about things I don't usually wonder about. Well, who knows. I'll go where I am happy, I guess. But then, maybe Katy Perry will not be the only one who kissed a girl and liked it. Haha. :P

Counting Blessings

24 is the number of years God has been blessing me with Life everyday.

5 is the number of people who love me unconditionally, no matter how annoying or bossy or just plain shitty I was to them.

2 is the number of positions I am holding now having been promoted to Senior Team Leader very early in 2011 and finishing my Lead Tutor training this week and now being a Quality Assurance Specialist for my beloved company of more than 3 years.

0 is the number of team members I have which lead me to finish 37 essays last week, the most I've done in a loooooooong time. It's pitiful, really, but I consider it a start to the end of my dog days because records show that I averaged only 29 essays/week last term.

2000 is my allowance increase. HAHA. Not much but I will be thankful for everything I am given no matter how cute the figures are. :))

27 is my official shoe count. This is one of those things I am truly proud of. I built this shoe collection as I learned to love myself.

2500 is what I used to pay for rent. Now, you might think that it's not a blessing since I am the one paying, but I status-ed in FB before that I want a house with a kitchen, and now, I moved to an apartment with a kitchen and *gasp* it's own bathroom and I am still paying 2500. Blessing, indeed!

7 is the number of months of my Perfect Loneliness. Haha. While it was mostly shitty, I've grown to be a stronger person and that alone is enough to call the past 7 months (It's gonna be 8 on Tuesday) as blessings.

4 is the number of trunks I filled with clothes when I moved which proves that I have so many clothes. :)

1 is the number of dream I fulfilled in 2010 and the number of year(s cause it's been more than one, really) I've known Christian Jomoc who turns 26 today! Thank you for reminding us to count our blessings. Thank you for the tough love only you can give. You're really the Kuya I never had. :) I wish you great things this 2011 because a great guy like you deserves nothing less than that. I lab yo!

How about you? What should you be thankful for? :)

Lessons

This past week has been all about lessons.

First lesson is on integrity. At the last quarter of last year, I earned a teaching post at the college where I graduated. I thought coming up with lessons (coming up because I never followed the syllabus. Hehe.) was the hardest part. That is, until grade computing came.

Let me start by saying that students do not have the vaguest idea how hard it is to fail a student. It becomes doubly hard when they start begging their teacher to pass them when the grades were already computed. At first glance, it may look like the teacher is actually enjoying that power he/she has on the student's future. But really at the back of his/her head, s/he's thinking, "I am destroying a future here." And then it all becomes heartbreaking.

I failed a number of students in my class. Some of them because they plagiarized a paper and some because they thought they're too good for my class they'd rather be outside the room while I am teaching. Both of which I take very seriously, and probably, personally, too. I do not remember how many times I have warned my classes: NO PLAGIARISM. I drummed it up in their heads that if they plagiarize, I will fail them without even blinking an eye, and I did. I wasn't joking. I don't just look at my inbox and grade their papers. I painstakingly go over each of their papers, read through them, and check for plagiarism. It was very tedious, but there is no other way to do it but like that.

FDAs are hard to give out, too. I was shocked to find out that most of the people I gave this to are scholars: varsity players who get free tuition because they play. Knowing that I am the reason why they are losing their scholarships make me feel really bad. So bad, actually, that I try to avoid the emails asking for a chance to pass.

Where did integrity play into these? I did not pass them. No change of grades happened. I held on to what I believe was right. I warned people I will fail them if they don't perform in my class well. As for the FDAs, I am sorry that they lost their scholarship but if teachers just keep on passing their students because we pity them or that they will lose their scholarships, we are not really helping them become better people. We are telling them that it's alright to be lazy. The thing is they will never get anywhere in the real world with the lazy disposition we are cultivating in them. Aside from that, they never learn their lesson. I believe in teaching people lessons because that is really the only way that people learn. The thing is failing is a reality and people never succeed when they are not doing anything. Besides, they are scholars. Even if they are on an athlete scholarship, they should still study hard.

I sound like a cold-hearted bitch (believe me, I know), but I know when to give in and when I should stand my ground. They messed up; they failed. It's simple. If they really wanted to pass, then they should've studied the way a student is supposed to study. I guess I wasn't the right teacher to mess around with. Besides, some people actually worked hard to pass. It won't be fair to everyone if I give one student a grade because he begged to finish an extra project or something.

Another lesson I learned over the past week is co-existing. I just moved in a new apartment with my officemate Kams. We're two very different personalities (even if we're both "gaga." Haha.). I must admit that I am anti-social (which is so weird because I am really friendly) and really too much of a loner, and I don't know how many times I've already said that. I love being alone in the house -- just me and my thoughts. I've lived alone for more than two years already, so moving into an apartment with someone is kind of a mini-panic attack on my end. All of a sudden I am guarded. There are things that I just can't do anymore, and I have to ask someone else's opinion when it comes to a number of things like "Do you sleep with the lights on?" or something as small as moving pieces of furniture.

But what I like about co-existing is that I was able to take it out of the apartment, too. Somehow, I understand that there are other people around me, and that sometimes, I need to bend to what they like, too. It's giving and taking, really. Besides, we are never really alone. There are always other people whose opinions are also worth hearing out, whose needs have to be met, whose requests have to be heard out.

I am happy to be learning these things. Somehow, I find myself to be a better Bianca everyday.

This is Me Pretending to Talk to Someone

I.DO.NOT.HAVE.VERY.HIGH.STANDARDS.

Ok, now, it's boggling me. I have been (very) single for almost 8 months now. I have been (very) heartbroken for about 4 out of those 8 months. But well yeah, I moved on, eventually, and it's been pretty good. Actually, that isn't really what I want to talk about. HAHA.

Around December, my sister went on a (mini) heartbreak. Ok, fine. Maybe it wasn't that "mini." She moped around and was so much of a snob she snaps at me when I tease her. I knew then she wasn't taking the breakup very lightly. I think she's been with the guy since August 2010. Anyway, I did my sisterly duties and took her out with my bestfriend in tow just to amuse her a bit because I really don't like seeing people's heart break right after I experienced it. However, right after New Year, she was already hopping about being really giggly over a new guy, and I was like "What the hell?!"

How did she move on just like that?! And why is it that she already found a boy in such a short span of time?! What am I doing wrong?!

And so we go back to what I have written first: I do not have very high standards.

I was thinking, "Do I really have high standards?" No, really. Ask me, and I'll tell you that I only look for two things: (1) He should be smart and (2) He should be funny. Bad thing about this is that this combination seldom comes around.

I wish falling in love is easy enough for me. I have crushes all the freakin' time. I can just sit beside someone who smells really nice, and I'll rave about him for weeks. But I guess, I just don't jump into relationships fast enough. In my 24 years, I've only had two boyfriends, both long-term ones. Nothing shorter than 2 and a half years.

That is probably it. When I decide to be with someone, I do not think, "Ok, I'm just here because I am all giggly now." I don't. When I choose someone, I have thought it over and really hard, too. I am going to be here for the long haul. I will put up with him even if he annoys me sometimes. I am going to stick around even through the bad times. I will love him more than anyone else in this world. And I promise to give him time, and we're going to go watch fireworks together. When I am someone's girlfriend, I am that person's girlfriend. He will never even doubt it. And I am always there.

However, I just wish I fall in love easy enough. Sometimes, I feel like I am already so close to deciding to be with someone and then all of a sudden he does something and I'm like "Okaaay. I don't like that." I turn my back and then that's it. It is then that I know, I wasn't in love yet. Because when I am in love, I am in love. Every little thing he does is magic. Every little thing just turns me on. Okaaay. Let's not sing. But you guys get the point, right? There was even a time when I watch my ex park the freakin' car because I think he looks so coooool and cute when he does that. And I'll be there sitting beside him with a very (what I assume to be) stupid smile on my face. I just get so amazed when I am in love, and it doesn't even take much to amaze me. Just look at that: he just parked the car.

I wish I can say they just don't woo me enough, but they do. I would have to say that I am very lucky when it comes to suitors. They are so persistent, really. They do all kinds of stuff: write me letters, poems, songs, bring me water when I run out of water for my bath, buy me flowers, shoes, clothes, take me out to lunches and dinners, take care of me when I am sick, just do all sorts of crazy stuff to make sure I am happy and not starving (hehe). And I really wish I can just fall in love with these people just like that or just choose any one of them because I know they'll really take good care of me. But somehow, I find something (sometimes, something really small) and then it's over. I have decided, and it's a no.

I don't really know where this blog post is going anymore. I just wish that I finally meet someone or that I finally spend just enough time with someone who will amaze me again. And then we'll fall in love, and it will be glorious.