For two days now, I keep on waking up too early, way before the alarm goes off. I don't know why. Is it because I don't find anything good about sleeping anymore? Also, for two days now, there have been times when I am left alone in my thoughts and I remember him, and everything in me turns into some kind of mush. I feel like I don't have the strength to do absolutely anything.
But, ironically, I learned I have this strength that I didn't have. The day after the breakup I can already rehash things for people who asked without me crying my heart out. I can even tell them my side of the story with a little bit of humor and shrugging it off like it didn't break my heart in a million pieces. The only time I cried yesterday was when I saw all the messages of love from friends and others that I haven't talked to for a long time or didn't even know they cared encouraging me that I will move on. And I owe it all to them to move on. People I've talked to yesterday have told me I am coping well with the situation taking into account that this is not your normal breakup. This is an engagement that broke.
I wish I can sum up in this blog how angry I am at Hub for leaving me like this. He did it little by little. Only now did I realize that he really wasn't planning to come back all these time he asked for space. That was never his plan. His plan is to alter my life and make me feel like he isn't there, so that when he finally drops the bomb on me, he'd think that it won't be that painful anymore. Well, his plan already failed the moment he planned it. First, because I never prepared myself for a breakup. Second, only someone stupid will think that he can break an engagement with as little hurt as possible. He crushed 3 years and forever right at the palm of my hand, and I don't know how in the world I am going to forgive him.
I wish I can blame myself for everything I did. Well, partially, I can, but I can't blame myself for him letting himself get angry at me for three years and not letting me know. That is, again, a stupid thing to do and it reminds me so much of what his ex did to one of my friends. Why in the world are you telling me this now when you had three years to complain? You don't drop everything you've kept for so long on a person only to let them know when it's already too late. Right then and there, I felt betrayed for three years and 5 months. I don't know how he loved me and left me in this state. I didn't know how he was able to do that because seriously when he was having a grand time doing some unforgivable things, I went on ahead with the relationship because that is what love is about. I have given him all the time and opportunity to be better by letting him know of things that I didn't like which he never used to make himself better. And when he didn't take that opportunity, I never left him, never surrendered because that is what love is about. These things he did makes me want to completely forget that the past 3 or so years happened.
However, as much as I want to forget as easily as I can, it scares me. Probably because I don't want to be alright now, and then somewhere down the road, I'll break down because I fooled myself to believe that I am really alright. I want to move slowly but steady. I take the pain little by little.
On the other hand, I also realized that I can move on easily because I have accepted that it is over. The relationship is not going to happen again. No matter how many people wished that we will be alright sometime in the future, I don't think that it's going to happen ever. And most especially, Hub proved to me that he can't be there for me when I need him. And for this reason, I choose not to be with someone who is not able to handle me.