Sunday, July 4, 2010

As I Learn to be the Best Version of Me

So far, I am trying to look at my new status as a learning process. I can't say that I've already embraced it yet, but it isn't quite as bad as the weeks before. Now, I am seeing this as a chance to improve myself, so that when the one I am supposed to be with comes around, he will get a better version of me if not the best. Someone more confident. Someone who knows how to appreciate things and show that appreciation correctly. Someone who knows the right buttons to push. Someone who knows what she wants. And most especially, someone who can make her man happy.

Everyday, I learn and understand the things that led my relationship to break. However, I still maintain my stand: I can't do anything about something I don't understand. Now, I have come to understand. Little by little, light is shining down on some things. There are times when I wish I knew what I know now before. Maybe, things will be a little bit more different. Maybe, I wouldn't have to go through all the pain. However, I believe in a bigger purpose. I believe in a Divine Plan only for me. Realizing that there is a Divine Plan and that Someone is controlling these events make me a whole lot more hopeful, a whole lot more faithful. I know that after all the pain subsides, God will give me someone who will benefit from all the things I learned during this phase. That alone gets me through to the next day.

The past month and so weeks found me going out with friends more often. It opened me again to the world I missed for 3 and a half years. I have never been out as many times as I had the past month as I have in the past three years. I have reunited with my college friends and went out with office friends, too. I also got to know a lot of people who I never really paid enough attention, too, and found out just how great friends they make. I spend time with these people, get to know them, and learned a lot about them in the process.

I have also spent time with my mom, appreciating everything that she has given and done for me. I realized that no person in this world can be more important than my mom. She has been everything I need in the 23 years I lived on Earth so far. Mama saw me through the sickness, the first day of each school year (yes, even college!), the home schooling days, and most especially, my heartbreak. I will never forget how, after more than a month of being single, I finally broke down in front of her and she cried with me as I let the pain out. She hugged me the whole time and while we held on to each other, I felt that someone has finally shared my pain. I know a lot of people comforted me during the past month, but I know that no one shared my pain with me. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate everything that people did for me. But no one cried with me -- only Mama did. And for once, I felt like someone didn't just understand. Someone took some of the immense hurt I was feeling and it definitely made me feel better. My mom shared my pain. And that makes me feel loved more than anything else.

Right now, I think single is great even if I think it isn't really for me. I am just really one of those people who is made with a partner in mind. However, I am taking this time to be the best person I can be. It involves getting to know who I was before 2006 and adding a few other things to that person, too, so I can be the best that I can be. Still, I am not perfect. However, I know that there is always a better version of myself. Right now, as I relearn to care for others, as I relearn to appreciate others, as I relearn how to be a good friend to others, as I relearn how to give new friendships a shot, as I relearn to be happy with life's little surprises, I also learn how to be more mature, how to ditch the unworldly tantrums, how to learn that I can't always get what I want, how to learn that life is not really about just one person. I don't know when I will be that best version of me, but as I wake up to a new day, I know that the person I looked at in the mirror is better than the one who was there the day before.


  1. Damn Bianca. Sorry, I just had to react. Hehe. I've been reading some of your posts lately and I have not said anything. This makes me teary-eyed. This is, I don't know even know what to say.

  2. Si Baba pala 'to, by the way. :)

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  4. Hi, BabaE! I hope that you have learned something from my experience and that your first love will be your last. :)

  5. Sana nga ganun. Pero parang feeling ko kailangan ko rin ma-experience ang heartbreak in a way.