Thursday, July 22, 2010

Bianca = Happiness

These past few days, I have been asking myself if it took me too soon to forget him.

When we broke up, I honestly thought that I needed to move 8000 miles away to forget and live a happy life again. I thought that I will only be able to live this life once I am far away from here already. However, the last few weeks have been too happy. It kind of scares me that this is something that is not normal. It's just been less than 2 months after all. But everytime I live my life without anyone breathing down my neck or without someone worrying how I will get where I want to get to, I feel like a person that is whole again. I wonder if that is alright.

I don't know if I am just doing the right moves or if I am just fooling myself. But I am seriously happy. I don't feel like something is lacking from my life right now. Well, fine I want someone to laugh with and share secrets with and coo over (haha), but I am happy. I find myself voicing out my like to have a boyfriend to my friends, but it doesn't mean I am not having fun anymore. I am having fun.

It's fun commuting alone even if I just get lost. Haha. It was fun being a bit scared of not knowing where exactly the next bus stop is or if my destination is already near or if I have already missed it. It's fun going out late at night and having impromptu dinners or movies with good friends and even going home late, too. It was fun to work on my own time. It was fun to give back to friends and have some talk with them when they are going through troubled times. I don't feel like a worthless friend or a dinner-once-a-year friend anymore. It was fun laughing with a lot of people instead of just one. It was fun staying up late in a friend's house and talking about adult things. I was fun having traditions with people who try not to break them as much as I do. It's fun that I don't need to be dragged to anyone's house when I just want to stay in my own. More than this, it was fun inviting myself to my friend's house knowing that they like me being there because I am not there all the time.

But more than this, I am at peace knowing that people are looking out for me. It is assuring to know that someone will be waiting for me when I get down the bus or that someone is just one phone call away when I get stuck or lost somewhere. It felt good to be loved knowing that my Mama and Papa wishes me a safe trip, but they just leave me alone as I find my way out of my comfort zone. But more than that, I know that they are waiting for me when I get home even if I don't even go home to their house anymore. I am thankful that people trust me enough to let me go out into the world but that they will be there when I need them.

It doesn't mean though that I am not thankful for the comfort the ex gave for more than two years since I moved here in Las Pinas. Of course, I am thankful. However, he didn't teach me anything. He didn't teach me how to take care of myself. He didn't trust me enough to go where I needed to go. He sheltered me too much I felt almost paralyzed when he left me. It was too scary to get to the jeepney again. It was scary to walk anywhere. For the first few weeks, I can't even get out of the office building alone. I am just too scared. He gave me fish for 3 and a half years and I lived. But he didn't teach me how to fish. And that is very selfish especially when he knows he doesn't have it in him to stay forever.

I guess that's what makes life easy now: I am happy with myself and what I can do. Now, happiness is not with someone anymore (yeah, yeah, I know I've been gushing over someone this week, but still, happiness is not only him. :P) Happiness now is me. And it's fulfilling to know that I can make myself happy.

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