The Story of my List: A good kind of weird

Sometime this month when I was crushed into nothingness, my supervisor, Mich, shared with me the secret of The List. So what is The List?

The List is to be done this way: On a sheet of paper, I should list down everything that I want from my future partner. When I do this, I should not have an idealized version of a partner in mind or my ex-partner for that matter. The List has to be specific (e.g. I want him to be able to bear all my complaints about my work). After that, study The List, take it to heart or whatever. Just make sure you keep The List in mind.

Now, be The List.

So what is the lesson of The List?

The lesson of the list is that before I find "that person" for me, I have to be "that person" for someone else. :)

Personally, I found the list to be a wonderful idea, though it took me about at least two weeks to get down on writing my list. I didn't put all sorts of crazy things on it, though. They were very basic but very specific nonetheless. As I worked on being my List, slowly, The List revealed itself to me (or at least a small part of it).

It didn't dawn on me fast. It has been probably a week after I wrote it that this guy I have been eyeing revealed my List to me. Actually, that only happened this week even if the things he's shown happened the week before. If I'm not mistaken, it was last Tuesday that I realized this, and my heart skipped a beat. It was weird, that realization. But it was a good kind of weird. It was the kind of weird that makes one smile. :)

At this point, I am not really sure what will happen to us (or if anything will even happen) except that I am happy talking to him and getting to know him in the process. I like how he is affecting me. When I think of him, I have this want to be a good person because he genuinely seems to be one. Further, I am not a very patient person, but I do not want to rush this "something." For the first time in my life, I am taking things as they are. Never rushing. Just here. I don't know how long I need to wait for him or how long will it take me to be really ready, but it seems like I am all for waiting right now. Like I told my friend, I don't want a relationship yet. I just came from a breakup after all. I am not sure what I want at this point. I don't want this guy to be just someone who will take my ex's place because he is worth more than that. For now, I feel that we are friends, and for such a simple word, it really means a lot to me.

Bianca = Happiness

These past few days, I have been asking myself if it took me too soon to forget him.

When we broke up, I honestly thought that I needed to move 8000 miles away to forget and live a happy life again. I thought that I will only be able to live this life once I am far away from here already. However, the last few weeks have been too happy. It kind of scares me that this is something that is not normal. It's just been less than 2 months after all. But everytime I live my life without anyone breathing down my neck or without someone worrying how I will get where I want to get to, I feel like a person that is whole again. I wonder if that is alright.

I don't know if I am just doing the right moves or if I am just fooling myself. But I am seriously happy. I don't feel like something is lacking from my life right now. Well, fine I want someone to laugh with and share secrets with and coo over (haha), but I am happy. I find myself voicing out my like to have a boyfriend to my friends, but it doesn't mean I am not having fun anymore. I am having fun.

It's fun commuting alone even if I just get lost. Haha. It was fun being a bit scared of not knowing where exactly the next bus stop is or if my destination is already near or if I have already missed it. It's fun going out late at night and having impromptu dinners or movies with good friends and even going home late, too. It was fun to work on my own time. It was fun to give back to friends and have some talk with them when they are going through troubled times. I don't feel like a worthless friend or a dinner-once-a-year friend anymore. It was fun laughing with a lot of people instead of just one. It was fun staying up late in a friend's house and talking about adult things. I was fun having traditions with people who try not to break them as much as I do. It's fun that I don't need to be dragged to anyone's house when I just want to stay in my own. More than this, it was fun inviting myself to my friend's house knowing that they like me being there because I am not there all the time.

But more than this, I am at peace knowing that people are looking out for me. It is assuring to know that someone will be waiting for me when I get down the bus or that someone is just one phone call away when I get stuck or lost somewhere. It felt good to be loved knowing that my Mama and Papa wishes me a safe trip, but they just leave me alone as I find my way out of my comfort zone. But more than that, I know that they are waiting for me when I get home even if I don't even go home to their house anymore. I am thankful that people trust me enough to let me go out into the world but that they will be there when I need them.

It doesn't mean though that I am not thankful for the comfort the ex gave for more than two years since I moved here in Las Pinas. Of course, I am thankful. However, he didn't teach me anything. He didn't teach me how to take care of myself. He didn't trust me enough to go where I needed to go. He sheltered me too much I felt almost paralyzed when he left me. It was too scary to get to the jeepney again. It was scary to walk anywhere. For the first few weeks, I can't even get out of the office building alone. I am just too scared. He gave me fish for 3 and a half years and I lived. But he didn't teach me how to fish. And that is very selfish especially when he knows he doesn't have it in him to stay forever.

I guess that's what makes life easy now: I am happy with myself and what I can do. Now, happiness is not with someone anymore (yeah, yeah, I know I've been gushing over someone this week, but still, happiness is not only him. :P) Happiness now is me. And it's fulfilling to know that I can make myself happy.

Waking Up

Minsan ang makakagising lang naman talaga saten - mga sarili natin :)
- April Nombrefia

In the past week, I have gone down in the dumps. I thought I already hit rock bottom last May. But last week gave a new definition to "rock bottom". Rock bottom felt like shit. It was when I was reduced to nothingness last week that I forced myself what I refused to do before: remember the bad times.

I think I have already written about it in this blog. How I just can't remember anything but the good times. Last week, though, after learning the shit talking and going through the name calling and the accusations, I forced myself to remember what I have went through for the past 3 and a half years. Fortunately for me, I have recorded those times. Those times when I have needed to defend myself. Those times when I was forced to be a jealous person. Those times that left marks which resulted to a person I didn't like anymore: possessive, jealous, unappreciative, and just doesn't know how to trust.

Right after reading my blog, I had an epiphany: I put up with shit. Shit, I later admitted to myself, I didn't want to put up with for the rest of my life.

And so I surfaced after that. I finally woke up from my nightmare.

This week, I am happy to get my life back. I talk to my friends and everytime they listened to my opinion and not shrug it off, I feel better. Everytime I plan gala with them not having to think of anyone else (and definitely not having to wait for anyone to make that decision for me because he drives anyway), I feel better. Everytime I eat too much rice and no one is breathing down my neck, I feel better. Everytime I tell them something and I didn't need to defend myself and was understood, I feel better. Everytime I am allowed to sleep alone in my apartment and not having someone shout at me and question my decision, I feel better. Everytime I stay lazily in bed in the morning not worrying about someone else's schedule, I feel better.

I remember praying to God to give me something, a sign or whatever it is I need, in order for me leave things behind, leave them as they are, not expect anything more. Last week, He gave me something so painful. However, He answered my prayer. He gave me that pain so that I can start moving forward. So I will force myself to do things I am not strong enough to do. God made me strong once again.

I am happy to have done it. I am happy to be the one to step out of my craziness. I am happy to make that decision for myself. I am happy to wake up.

And Picture Posting Begins

I had been feeling really bad lately. I think I knew too much that I just learned I can't handle these things anymore. I was alright before this week started. But all the rebounding news just threw me off course. I guess 3 years and 6 months just ain't enough for someone to stay put for a while.

Well, the thing is I do not ever plan to rebound. First, because my great set of friends won't allow me to do that. We've all agreed that it's "good riddance" for the last one, but still, 3 years and 6 months happened. He can be "good riddance" but he still happened. Also, just because he is "good riddance" doesn't mean that he should be replaced just like that. That is not something my friends will let me do; my friends are the greatest. I can't imagine them ever telling my ex that it's good he's been replaced. Second, Bianca is emotionally bankrupt. She can't give anything yet at this point.

So yeah, these are pictures I've acquired over the past month.

Tali Beach. June '10

Candid is always great.

My pimping picture. Hehe.

I've always had a kid in me.

Of course, there are the breakup buddy pictures.

Something sultry for a change.

First Monthsary Without One.
June 25-26, '10.
Sakae Sushi, MOA.
Icebergs, Harbour Centre

While still in the office.

That's a familiar conveyor belt, right?

A picture with my ladies.

Walking away with my breakup buddies.

There are three girls. How can there not be a Charlie's Angels inspired picture?

This one fascinated us. Hehe.

Bored Bianca at Icebergs.

Bianca sa Breakwater. (Or Bianca ang bagong model ng Victoria Court?)

I always get the horns.

A pic that is just so cool not to post.

So far, that has been it. I was yet to record the second month of my breakup. I am not sure what I'll be able to say about this second month. It seems worst than the last one. However, it's always the darkest before the sun rises, right?

As I Learn to be the Best Version of Me

So far, I am trying to look at my new status as a learning process. I can't say that I've already embraced it yet, but it isn't quite as bad as the weeks before. Now, I am seeing this as a chance to improve myself, so that when the one I am supposed to be with comes around, he will get a better version of me if not the best. Someone more confident. Someone who knows how to appreciate things and show that appreciation correctly. Someone who knows the right buttons to push. Someone who knows what she wants. And most especially, someone who can make her man happy.

Everyday, I learn and understand the things that led my relationship to break. However, I still maintain my stand: I can't do anything about something I don't understand. Now, I have come to understand. Little by little, light is shining down on some things. There are times when I wish I knew what I know now before. Maybe, things will be a little bit more different. Maybe, I wouldn't have to go through all the pain. However, I believe in a bigger purpose. I believe in a Divine Plan only for me. Realizing that there is a Divine Plan and that Someone is controlling these events make me a whole lot more hopeful, a whole lot more faithful. I know that after all the pain subsides, God will give me someone who will benefit from all the things I learned during this phase. That alone gets me through to the next day.

The past month and so weeks found me going out with friends more often. It opened me again to the world I missed for 3 and a half years. I have never been out as many times as I had the past month as I have in the past three years. I have reunited with my college friends and went out with office friends, too. I also got to know a lot of people who I never really paid enough attention, too, and found out just how great friends they make. I spend time with these people, get to know them, and learned a lot about them in the process.

I have also spent time with my mom, appreciating everything that she has given and done for me. I realized that no person in this world can be more important than my mom. She has been everything I need in the 23 years I lived on Earth so far. Mama saw me through the sickness, the first day of each school year (yes, even college!), the home schooling days, and most especially, my heartbreak. I will never forget how, after more than a month of being single, I finally broke down in front of her and she cried with me as I let the pain out. She hugged me the whole time and while we held on to each other, I felt that someone has finally shared my pain. I know a lot of people comforted me during the past month, but I know that no one shared my pain with me. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate everything that people did for me. But no one cried with me -- only Mama did. And for once, I felt like someone didn't just understand. Someone took some of the immense hurt I was feeling and it definitely made me feel better. My mom shared my pain. And that makes me feel loved more than anything else.

Right now, I think single is great even if I think it isn't really for me. I am just really one of those people who is made with a partner in mind. However, I am taking this time to be the best person I can be. It involves getting to know who I was before 2006 and adding a few other things to that person, too, so I can be the best that I can be. Still, I am not perfect. However, I know that there is always a better version of myself. Right now, as I relearn to care for others, as I relearn to appreciate others, as I relearn how to be a good friend to others, as I relearn how to give new friendships a shot, as I relearn to be happy with life's little surprises, I also learn how to be more mature, how to ditch the unworldly tantrums, how to learn that I can't always get what I want, how to learn that life is not really about just one person. I don't know when I will be that best version of me, but as I wake up to a new day, I know that the person I looked at in the mirror is better than the one who was there the day before.