On Forgiving

Last week, my bestfriend and I had an "ex" talk over burgers. I told him that I hope, someday, I will be able to forgive my ex. As in really forgive. He smiled and said that was nice.

I am not angry at Hub for the things people thought (and think) I am angry about. Fine. Being left hurts. Being the one who wasn't chosen hurts. But as time went by, I got to the point where I understood, and that is what I told my bestfriend.

Hub just chose who he thought will make him happy. I understand. I made that choice, too, in 2006. Besides, who wouldn't choose what makes him/her happy? No one. No matter how painful it is for the other one. It is our happiness at stake after all. And who wouldn't choose to be happy? Again, no one.

It was all the talkshit I need to forgive. It was that. Nothing more, nothing less. It is what's making me hurt even a little bit now. Tonight, I saw a post from that bitchy friend of his way back from July 2010, and it confirmed what I've always known: it was not only this bitchy friend who knew. Everyone knew. Of course, she talked. It has always been in her to talk. And that's what hurts until now. People can just choose to shut up. Like I shut up when Brian and I broke up. I didn't need to tell anyone what he lacked. I didn't need to tell anyone his faults. I didn't need to tell anyone what he wasn't able to do for me. I wished Hub just shut up that way, too, because, of all people, he knew where the attitude came from. It was from him.

He had been unfair.

But I still want to forgive. Someday. I am hopeful that someday I'd put this completely behind me. Someday, this will not pin me down anymore. Someday, I wish to see him and tell him I've forgiven him for making me up to be someone we both know I am not. I wish someday I will be stronger than the pain. Someday, I will forgive.