So What Do I Want To Do With My Life?

"Ikaw? Anong gusto mong gawin?"

"Umm... Mag-travel.."

I was taken aback by his question. Not a lot of people actually bother asking me what I want to do. Travelling is just something at the top of my head. I wondered about his question, though, the moment I was alone with my thoughts. What do I want to do?

I should've said "a lot" because there are a lot I want to do.

I want to take up make-up classes. While I don't dream of being a Barbie Chan (but that has a ring to it. Maybe I do dream of being like her after all. Hehe.), I do want to take up a make-up class that will be the start of me being "Bianca/Professional Make-up Artist." I want to start slow, though. Just me first and then maybe do a friend's make-up for, say, an occasion like a wedding! :) I actually already looked online and Jasmine Mendiola's make-up classes kind of sounds fun.

I want to take up sewing classes. I took up a sewing elective in high school, and I have always, always wanted to take up serious sewing classes in the past few years when I fell in love with fashion. I breathe clothes. I can't even explain the feeling I get just by looking at clothes online. I think it will help me save a lot if I make my own clothes and then make some others to sell. I really want to sew. I feel like I will give my job up if I finish a sewing class and just establish my own business.

My own business. Eversince I discovered that I can ukay (thrift shopping) pretty well, I have always wanted to put up my own online ukay business. I just really need to get a hold of myself because I tend to wear all my ukay purchases instead of putting them up to be sold. But yes, having my own business is something I want to do, too.

But then there are those things I have always wanted to do least once in my life: learn to play the guitar, make a decent scrapbook, write for a magazine, get a decent camera and take beautiful pictures (I think I am kind of trying to deceive myself that I don't want to be a photographer, but when I see beautiful shots, I tell myself I can get that shot, too). And there has always been that dream to send Mama and Papa to Venice on an all-expense paid trip care of me! :)

And then there are my lifetime to-dos: get married, raise a family, and then teach when I have the luxury of not needing money anymore. Teaching doesn't pay well, so I plan to go back to teaching when I don't have money troubles anymore, and once I already worked on my Master's. I still want a family of my own. I don't know how, but after The Myth of the Human Body Exhibit, I know I won't be having babies unless I am ready to risk myself. I learned that when a woman gets pregnant, her heart enlarges, and I can't have that because my heart isn't of normal size anymore. But that's fine. I'm going to have a baby still. How? We'll figure something out, me and whoever I will end up with.

So there, I want to thank you for making me figure out my life plans. :) It is because of instances like these that I think you have promise in you. :)

I looked over our pictures tonight...

... and I realized that I have forgotten how it was like to love you. I guess the heart really learns how to forget after all.

Myth of the Human Body Exhibit

Bahaha! We look stupid here. :))

Vain as I am, I make it a point not to have pictures of me taken looking stooofeed. I guess, firsts will always happen, yes? :)

Dear You

I don't know how many times this kinda applied to my life since last year, but this can never be even more true now. Let's hope.

On Forgiving

Last week, my bestfriend and I had an "ex" talk over burgers. I told him that I hope, someday, I will be able to forgive my ex. As in really forgive. He smiled and said that was nice.

I am not angry at Hub for the things people thought (and think) I am angry about. Fine. Being left hurts. Being the one who wasn't chosen hurts. But as time went by, I got to the point where I understood, and that is what I told my bestfriend.

Hub just chose who he thought will make him happy. I understand. I made that choice, too, in 2006. Besides, who wouldn't choose what makes him/her happy? No one. No matter how painful it is for the other one. It is our happiness at stake after all. And who wouldn't choose to be happy? Again, no one.

It was all the talkshit I need to forgive. It was that. Nothing more, nothing less. It is what's making me hurt even a little bit now. Tonight, I saw a post from that bitchy friend of his way back from July 2010, and it confirmed what I've always known: it was not only this bitchy friend who knew. Everyone knew. Of course, she talked. It has always been in her to talk. And that's what hurts until now. People can just choose to shut up. Like I shut up when Brian and I broke up. I didn't need to tell anyone what he lacked. I didn't need to tell anyone his faults. I didn't need to tell anyone what he wasn't able to do for me. I wished Hub just shut up that way, too, because, of all people, he knew where the attitude came from. It was from him.

He had been unfair.

But I still want to forgive. Someday. I am hopeful that someday I'd put this completely behind me. Someday, this will not pin me down anymore. Someday, I wish to see him and tell him I've forgiven him for making me up to be someone we both know I am not. I wish someday I will be stronger than the pain. Someday, I will forgive.