An Encore of Pain

"If you think you're happy, you'll be happy."

I'll have to admit that I snapped when I heard these words. My heart is crying; I can feel it losing control. I can feel it gasping for breathe. There are times when I feel it barely holding on to dear life.

I understand and hear what they are saying: he isn't worth it, good riddance, it's good you got yourself out of that relationship, and so on. Honestly, I think so, too, but it doesn't change the fact that it broke me. I feel so destroyed. I feel very broken.

I wish I can push myself to be happy. I've done it already, right? Yes, and here I am again. Right now, I feel like I fooled myself into believing I am already alright. It seems like I've only distracted myself and not really healed the wound. For a while, I was fine. Giddy even. And then this week, I found out that the arse and Lea Lebrilla are already together, I lost it. He is a lying bastard, that arse.

This isn't really supposed to be a surprise. I never doubted my belief that this pathetic excuse for a woman is the reason behind all the pain the arse made me go through. I have never loathed anyone in my life the way I loathe her.

So here I am now, one full of baggage. I wish I can just sleep tonight and be alright again tomorrow. I wish I can think I am happy. However, I already did. I did for 4 months. I tried my hardest. But I am just so tired to keep on trying so hard to be happy. My short states of giddiness these past few months were just that -- short. And I don't like feeling very bipolar anymore. I wish to be really happy that's probably why I am not even trying to be because right now, I am all broken up.