A blessing in disguise. As I bid 2010 goodbye, I am using those four words to describe it. By now, people already know how horribly epic the middle of my 2010 had been. It was one of pain, the kind that left you clutching at your heart. For a while, it felt like it will go on forever. But it proved itself just a ride that eventually ended. It was a ride, however, that led me to believe that everything that went horribly worng in this year are really blessings.
The heartbreak led me to finding people who stuck with me through just about every shit that happened in this year. I found my bestfriend this year, that one person who stayed no matter how hard I pushed him away sometimes. I found my soulmates this year. Those girls you only need to have an eye contact with and understand each other perfectly well. There are those people who heard me out and shared the pain because they've been through it, too. There are those who are more than willing to go on food trips just so we can all forget how heartbreaking getting heartbroken really is. And that one person from his camp (Hi Yen!) who has been loyal to me all throughout. We laughed over them, and I had never been more entertained in my life. The laughs helped me through some very tough times.
Getting heartbroken led me to another dream: that of teaching. I have always wanted to become a teacher. My earliest memories of teaching happened when I was very young, gathering the neighborhood kids over at our house, and with my very own set of chalks (colored at that! :) ) and my own blackboard, we went through things I don't even remember anymore during summer afternoons. September this year, I was given that opportunity to have two classrooms full of students, my very own kids who put up with my late-ness, and we all went crazy over thesis statements, run-on sentences and comma splices, and their 5-paragraph papers.
2010 also saw me meeting people I probably never met if I had not changed my relationship status. They were people who served their purpose well. They provided the distraction I needed so much and made me learn even more lessons than the one my heartbreak has taught me. We laughed together, and then my Bes and I laughed at them after. Haha. But no matter how small a role they played in my year, they all completed the puzzle that my 2010 has been.
Aside from them, there were those people who played some very important roles in my life when they were just minor characters before. First, there was my boss, who shared her story with me to help me get over the hurt. There is the big boss who had been patient even when I wasn't doing the work that I should be doing. There were my Gaymen, the people who worked for my Surprise Birthday party. The same people I worked with for this year's productivity award. They have been more than subordinates. After this year, when I turn them over to their new TL, I know that I have gained friends who'll probably look after my back and I for theirs.
And then there was him. When my days had been shitty, I used to listen to Coldplay's Fix You, and I always think to myself "Someday, someone's gonna come, and he'll fix me" which he did. No details. Just that. Everything's just too premature now. I can only be hopeful.
2010 is definitely a blessing in disguise. It was winning disguised as a loss, it was friendships that stemmed out of a heartbreak, it was a dream in the form of one that got shattered, it was redemption found in pain. In the end, it was still epic, but one that is very blessed. It may be in disguise, but I have already uncovered its real meaning. When I look back now, it will be with a smile that came with growing up, formed by a blessing in disguise.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Story to Tell
Engaged. It was early in January of 2010 when I changed my Facebook status from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged". I was overwhelmed with emotions I never thought actually existed. It was a different kind of happy; it was over-the-top happiness. I was 23, and I was engaged. It's my ultimate dream to get married, and I never thought that it will actually happen when I am still so young. The months that followed were bliss, as I planned an October 2011 wedding. Every time I close my eyes, I saw it in my head, and it was the most beautiful scene my very creative brain visualized. But God had other plans. On May 25, our supposedly 42nd month together, more than four months after I got engaged, I got disengaged. Getting dumped was the most painful, but also the most enriching experience, I went through.
“We’re over,” was the text message I got from him when I greeted him a Happy Monthsary. I stared at my cell phone in utter disbelief. Sure, he had been spacing out for over a month already, but we were engaged. This is something I don’t want to believe. “Please,” I begged, “we’re engaged. We’re getting married next year!” I lamented on my reply and then hit the Send button. “Let me be happy,” he texted back.
I crushed right then and there. If my heart is just outside my body, people will probably see it on the floor, shattered in about a million pieces. I don’t remember how I made it through that day, but for a lot of days after that, I felt unimaginable pain. It left me clutching at my heart every time I remember what I am now -- a girl with a broken dream and an even more broken heart. There were times in the office when I try to work with tears running down my face like a never-ending waterfall. When someone called my name, I quickly wiped the tears away and pretended that things are fine. For a while, however, I felt hollowness within. It’s like someone messed up and took out my insides, and I only have my spine holding me up. A lot of times, I felt myself wanting to crumble on the floor in a heap, a heap that no one will want to pick-up.
That is where I had been wrong and where the enriching part of my experience came into play. Someone did pick me up, and He used a lot of people who helped me make sense out of my life again. It was during this time that God gave me the people I needed, and for four months, these people worked with me to put the broken pieces of my life back together again.
These are people who never left me and made sure I did not engage in self-destructive behavior like driving up to my ex-fiance’s office and smashing his car windows into pieces that will never be fixed again. I had great friends who helped me heal in the right ways. Most of the time, though, they needed to step on the brakes and tell me, “That’s not right. You’ll land in the police station,” when I tell them of my outrageous ideas. They reminded me to be a good person during those times when my pain is making me otherwise. However, there are also those who heard me out and let me say what I want to say just to get things off my chest. They let me cry as much as I wanted and needed to, and when I stopped, they always told me that they're still there, just in case I wanted to cry some more.
But, they also made it their responsibility to see me smile. They never abandoned me all throughout my ordeal. June came around, and I found myself being taken by these people to places, so I can overwrite the memories I have of my ex and I together, but they also took me to places I have never been to. They challenged my very conservative taste buds by making me eat things I refused to eat before, Vietnamese and Korean cuisine on top of everything else, as well as stuff I really don’t know existed like Spaghetti Pizza. However, on top of all the entertainment, they heard me out some more and let me pour everything my frangible little heart has been bottling up inside. They let me cry, hugged me, and made me laugh immediately after. We even celebrated my first month of being single which we dubbed as the first monthsary of no longer having monthsaries. They reminded me that this is all for the best, and that things will work out in the end; I just have to see these through.
By July, I was already going out to see places all by myself. They still took care of me and loved me, but they let me venture into the world on my own, something my ex never did as he sheltered me from anything and everything that might hurt me leaving me with no sense of self when he left me. They didn’t do that. Instead, they guided me out into the world and let me go with a promise of a safe refuge when I come back. And they were always there when I came back, ready to hear of my adventures and mishaps.
Moving forward, August was one of my most difficult months, as I found myself relapsing and all broken up once again when I fell for someone who turned out to be who I never thought he was. It was fresh pain on top of a not-yet-healed broken heart. However, a friend was there, and he brought me to his house and planned impromptu Wii parties with our other buddies when I needed a quick pick-me-up. We found ourselves staying until the crack of dawn in his house sometimes laughing over a Korean movie and them getting drunk.
It was early in September when things turned around and God let another one of my dreams fall into my lap: that chance to teach. Again, I had friend who was there for me. He brought me to my demo teaching, and when I got the job, we celebrated over Chicken Nuggets – the only food I eat from a very famous fast food restaurant. This experience had been a crazy ride with lots of twists and turns, but it turned out to be a great one because all these time God showed me that there are people in my life who will actually see the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, and each of them will stick with me through all of these.
Today, more than four months after getting disengaged, I know that I am on the way to a full recovery. God made me realize how strong I am. It’s true. One will never really know how strong he/she is until it’s the only choice left. I find myself to be more spontaneous; I don’t plan a lot anymore. Rather, I subject myself to God’s plans. My plans don’t compare to His because His always fall into the right places. I have learned to be more grateful for family and friends who are really the only people who’ll be there when everything is bleak, to see the beauty in ugly things like heartbreak, and to take better care of myself because no one else can do it the way I can. 2010 isn’t over yet. However, I am hopeful because everyday God gives me a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, and each time I look forward, the glimmer gets brighter and brighter. It is then that I feel, in the deepest pits of my heart, that I will get my over-the-top happiness once again.
“We’re over,” was the text message I got from him when I greeted him a Happy Monthsary. I stared at my cell phone in utter disbelief. Sure, he had been spacing out for over a month already, but we were engaged. This is something I don’t want to believe. “Please,” I begged, “we’re engaged. We’re getting married next year!” I lamented on my reply and then hit the Send button. “Let me be happy,” he texted back.
I crushed right then and there. If my heart is just outside my body, people will probably see it on the floor, shattered in about a million pieces. I don’t remember how I made it through that day, but for a lot of days after that, I felt unimaginable pain. It left me clutching at my heart every time I remember what I am now -- a girl with a broken dream and an even more broken heart. There were times in the office when I try to work with tears running down my face like a never-ending waterfall. When someone called my name, I quickly wiped the tears away and pretended that things are fine. For a while, however, I felt hollowness within. It’s like someone messed up and took out my insides, and I only have my spine holding me up. A lot of times, I felt myself wanting to crumble on the floor in a heap, a heap that no one will want to pick-up.
That is where I had been wrong and where the enriching part of my experience came into play. Someone did pick me up, and He used a lot of people who helped me make sense out of my life again. It was during this time that God gave me the people I needed, and for four months, these people worked with me to put the broken pieces of my life back together again.
These are people who never left me and made sure I did not engage in self-destructive behavior like driving up to my ex-fiance’s office and smashing his car windows into pieces that will never be fixed again. I had great friends who helped me heal in the right ways. Most of the time, though, they needed to step on the brakes and tell me, “That’s not right. You’ll land in the police station,” when I tell them of my outrageous ideas. They reminded me to be a good person during those times when my pain is making me otherwise. However, there are also those who heard me out and let me say what I want to say just to get things off my chest. They let me cry as much as I wanted and needed to, and when I stopped, they always told me that they're still there, just in case I wanted to cry some more.
But, they also made it their responsibility to see me smile. They never abandoned me all throughout my ordeal. June came around, and I found myself being taken by these people to places, so I can overwrite the memories I have of my ex and I together, but they also took me to places I have never been to. They challenged my very conservative taste buds by making me eat things I refused to eat before, Vietnamese and Korean cuisine on top of everything else, as well as stuff I really don’t know existed like Spaghetti Pizza. However, on top of all the entertainment, they heard me out some more and let me pour everything my frangible little heart has been bottling up inside. They let me cry, hugged me, and made me laugh immediately after. We even celebrated my first month of being single which we dubbed as the first monthsary of no longer having monthsaries. They reminded me that this is all for the best, and that things will work out in the end; I just have to see these through.
By July, I was already going out to see places all by myself. They still took care of me and loved me, but they let me venture into the world on my own, something my ex never did as he sheltered me from anything and everything that might hurt me leaving me with no sense of self when he left me. They didn’t do that. Instead, they guided me out into the world and let me go with a promise of a safe refuge when I come back. And they were always there when I came back, ready to hear of my adventures and mishaps.
Moving forward, August was one of my most difficult months, as I found myself relapsing and all broken up once again when I fell for someone who turned out to be who I never thought he was. It was fresh pain on top of a not-yet-healed broken heart. However, a friend was there, and he brought me to his house and planned impromptu Wii parties with our other buddies when I needed a quick pick-me-up. We found ourselves staying until the crack of dawn in his house sometimes laughing over a Korean movie and them getting drunk.
It was early in September when things turned around and God let another one of my dreams fall into my lap: that chance to teach. Again, I had friend who was there for me. He brought me to my demo teaching, and when I got the job, we celebrated over Chicken Nuggets – the only food I eat from a very famous fast food restaurant. This experience had been a crazy ride with lots of twists and turns, but it turned out to be a great one because all these time God showed me that there are people in my life who will actually see the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, and each of them will stick with me through all of these.
Today, more than four months after getting disengaged, I know that I am on the way to a full recovery. God made me realize how strong I am. It’s true. One will never really know how strong he/she is until it’s the only choice left. I find myself to be more spontaneous; I don’t plan a lot anymore. Rather, I subject myself to God’s plans. My plans don’t compare to His because His always fall into the right places. I have learned to be more grateful for family and friends who are really the only people who’ll be there when everything is bleak, to see the beauty in ugly things like heartbreak, and to take better care of myself because no one else can do it the way I can. 2010 isn’t over yet. However, I am hopeful because everyday God gives me a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, and each time I look forward, the glimmer gets brighter and brighter. It is then that I feel, in the deepest pits of my heart, that I will get my over-the-top happiness once again.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
An Encore of Pain
"If you think you're happy, you'll be happy."
I'll have to admit that I snapped when I heard these words. My heart is crying; I can feel it losing control. I can feel it gasping for breathe. There are times when I feel it barely holding on to dear life.
I understand and hear what they are saying: he isn't worth it, good riddance, it's good you got yourself out of that relationship, and so on. Honestly, I think so, too, but it doesn't change the fact that it broke me. I feel so destroyed. I feel very broken.
I wish I can push myself to be happy. I've done it already, right? Yes, and here I am again. Right now, I feel like I fooled myself into believing I am already alright. It seems like I've only distracted myself and not really healed the wound. For a while, I was fine. Giddy even. And then this week, I found out that the arse and Lea Lebrilla are already together, I lost it. He is a lying bastard, that arse.
This isn't really supposed to be a surprise. I never doubted my belief that this pathetic excuse for a woman is the reason behind all the pain the arse made me go through. I have never loathed anyone in my life the way I loathe her.
So here I am now, one full of baggage. I wish I can just sleep tonight and be alright again tomorrow. I wish I can think I am happy. However, I already did. I did for 4 months. I tried my hardest. But I am just so tired to keep on trying so hard to be happy. My short states of giddiness these past few months were just that -- short. And I don't like feeling very bipolar anymore. I wish to be really happy that's probably why I am not even trying to be because right now, I am all broken up.
I'll have to admit that I snapped when I heard these words. My heart is crying; I can feel it losing control. I can feel it gasping for breathe. There are times when I feel it barely holding on to dear life.
I understand and hear what they are saying: he isn't worth it, good riddance, it's good you got yourself out of that relationship, and so on. Honestly, I think so, too, but it doesn't change the fact that it broke me. I feel so destroyed. I feel very broken.
I wish I can push myself to be happy. I've done it already, right? Yes, and here I am again. Right now, I feel like I fooled myself into believing I am already alright. It seems like I've only distracted myself and not really healed the wound. For a while, I was fine. Giddy even. And then this week, I found out that the arse and Lea Lebrilla are already together, I lost it. He is a lying bastard, that arse.
This isn't really supposed to be a surprise. I never doubted my belief that this pathetic excuse for a woman is the reason behind all the pain the arse made me go through. I have never loathed anyone in my life the way I loathe her.
So here I am now, one full of baggage. I wish I can just sleep tonight and be alright again tomorrow. I wish I can think I am happy. However, I already did. I did for 4 months. I tried my hardest. But I am just so tired to keep on trying so hard to be happy. My short states of giddiness these past few months were just that -- short. And I don't like feeling very bipolar anymore. I wish to be really happy that's probably why I am not even trying to be because right now, I am all broken up.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tonight...
I coughed up blood again. It has been a while since this last happened. I guess the last one was last March. However, I don't feel as scared as before. Actually, I am not scared anymore as I talked myself and Mama into believing that the blood felt like it is coming from my throat (as opposed to my lungs which is what my cardio is saying).
A lot has really changed since I lived a life alone. Sometimes, I am amazed myself at how very little can still throw me off course. It feels like I can live through anything already. I don't get annoyed anymore when plans get canceled. I don't throw a fit anymore when I lose things. I am not afraid of a short life anymore either (but I am hoping for a really long one).
I guess 2010 really is a blessing in disguise.
A lot has really changed since I lived a life alone. Sometimes, I am amazed myself at how very little can still throw me off course. It feels like I can live through anything already. I don't get annoyed anymore when plans get canceled. I don't throw a fit anymore when I lose things. I am not afraid of a short life anymore either (but I am hoping for a really long one).
I guess 2010 really is a blessing in disguise.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Status Messages
Bianca
Why do we always fall for the wrong people?
Donna
Sometimes people turn out "wrong" for you when they're not done figuring themselves out.
Rocky
Because they give us a benchmark of whom we can't be together with.
Mimi
Falling for the wrong people helps us know how to create a "right" relationship with an imperfect person.
Myri
Not that they're wrong. maybe they just aren't right for you.
The SMT people have the most sensible things to say. I am privileged to be a part of such a smart group.
Why do we always fall for the wrong people?
Donna
Sometimes people turn out "wrong" for you when they're not done figuring themselves out.
Rocky
Because they give us a benchmark of whom we can't be together with.
Mimi
Falling for the wrong people helps us know how to create a "right" relationship with an imperfect person.
Myri
Not that they're wrong. maybe they just aren't right for you.
The SMT people have the most sensible things to say. I am privileged to be a part of such a smart group.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Dear Hub,
Let me start this by saying that there are times when I still can’t believe we’re over.
I guess that the relationship left a lot to be desired. I want to believe that we were happy, we’re probably the coolest couple around, and that we stuck through the thick and the thin. We even managed to get engaged.
The engagement. That is probably the thing that got to me out of all the other things that got to me. I would’ve understood better why you left if this 10-letter word didn’t happen. I guess, I trusted you too much. Trusted that you know what you’re doing. Trusted that you have already set your mind into living the rest of your life with me. Yeah, I probably really trusted you too much.
But how can I not? I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. It was too much I lost myself, and you did, too. And I guess that made us become two people who just won’t fit together anymore.
I didn’t write this letter to let the world know how you’ve hurt me. They already know, and so do you. Rather, let me write this letter to thank you.
I want to thank you for being a great friend. In our 3 and a half years together, I never felt the urge to look for any other friend but you. You heard me out when I have problems even if they involve my girlfriends. You go with me when I buy shoes and other girly things. You heard me rant about work. And remember how we started to be friends? That time you helped me with my IBM proposal and for coming with me when I needed to quit interning at that place?
I want to thank you for taking me out to see the world. I have never traveled the way I traveled when we were together. You brought me to places even if those were just the cities in Manila. You were patient enough to explain to me how one can get from EDSA to Baywalk. I feel like I have been everywhere in Batangas, too. And then of course there was MOA, Fort Santiago, La Salle, Market-Market, High Street, Rockwell, Nuvali, Caleruega, Mount Carmel, St. Claire, Greenhills, Fontana among others. These may be ordinary places that people go to, but you know how I am not one of those ordinary people. But still, no matter how hard it must’ve been for you to take me places, you took me in all these and more and endured all the stops because of me.
Thank you for bringing such wonderful people in my life. Thank you for Tita who treated me like her own. Thank you for your siblings. I was happy to have the opportunity to call them “Ate” and “Kuya” ‘cause I never had those being the eldest of four siblings. For your titos and titas who have all been so kind and warm to me. Thank you for the fun cousins you have, and the kids. Oh how I love the kids. And then there was your FS3 team who have been good friends to me, too.
Thank you for solving my problems for me. I appreciate how you had an answer for everything, and when you don’t, you still found them for me. Thank you for sharing what you know with me. You were never selfish with what you know.
Thank you for the endless kwento, for making me laugh so hard, for making a fool of yourself just to see me smile. Thank you for hugging me tight each time I cry. Thank you for holding my hand and guiding me when I feel like the world is already too heavy to carry on my own. But then again, it was never too heavy because you were always there. Thank you for staying in the hospital when I got confined and for comforting me each time I coughed up all those blood.
Most of all, I wanted to thank you for making me strong when you left. It was such a scare that day when we broke up when I found myself in a world where I was suddenly alone. Yes, it was a month of spacing out, but I never got to prepare myself probably because I trusted in us too much that we will pull through. However, the breakup still brought good things in my life: the love of friends, freedom, finding and meeting new people, trusting that I can do things on my own, and being happy with just being me. You made me face my fear of being alone, my biggest fear of all, when you left. I have you to thank for that and all these.
I envisioned this letter to be something else entirely different from the start. However, I don’t want to focus on the pain anymore. I wanted to focus on what you have done for me so that I will remember why the pain was worth it. It was a fruitful 3 and a half years. It wasn’t all happy, but it was beautiful.
I am freeing you now. I let you go because you said you weren’t happy anymore. Now that you are already free, I wish in my heart of hearts that you are finally happy. This way, my pain would not have been in vain. I hope that you live a life devoid of all the hurt we’ve caused each other. I hope you get to hold your dreams and be someone great. I wish you happiness, lots of it.
I hope that someday, when we see each other again, we can finally and sincerely laugh this entire chapter off and be the people we really were in the first place. :)
Always,
Bianca
P.S. I didn’t know if you saw this in FB last December, but I guess you didn’t ‘cause you never said anything, so here it is:
Babe - You’ve seen me break down a lot of times but you were still there. Thank you for taking my hand countless times, and hugging when I am so down. Thank you for loving me despite everything. I know I am not the easiest person to be with when I am about to lose a friend, stuck in a financial rut, and not in perfect health, but you were always there, never giving up on me even if I am pushing you away. From hearing out all my friendship rants, helping with my bills, packing my bags for my confinement, driving me to my check-ups, holding my hand and telling me that I will be alright, calming all my fears, looking for easy remedies and fixing my cough (at midnight) that the doctors weren’t able to fix, keeping up with me when I’m being such a bitch, and just letting me know you will always be there, thank you Babe. I am so happy and thankful I got you. I can never thank you enough. I love you always, Babe.
“This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. - Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Story of my List: A good kind of weird
Sometime this month when I was crushed into nothingness, my supervisor, Mich, shared with me the secret of The List. So what is The List?
The List is to be done this way: On a sheet of paper, I should list down everything that I want from my future partner. When I do this, I should not have an idealized version of a partner in mind or my ex-partner for that matter. The List has to be specific (e.g. I want him to be able to bear all my complaints about my work). After that, study The List, take it to heart or whatever. Just make sure you keep The List in mind.
Now, be The List.
So what is the lesson of The List?
The lesson of the list is that before I find "that person" for me, I have to be "that person" for someone else. :)
Personally, I found the list to be a wonderful idea, though it took me about at least two weeks to get down on writing my list. I didn't put all sorts of crazy things on it, though. They were very basic but very specific nonetheless. As I worked on being my List, slowly, The List revealed itself to me (or at least a small part of it).
It didn't dawn on me fast. It has been probably a week after I wrote it that this guy I have been eyeing revealed my List to me. Actually, that only happened this week even if the things he's shown happened the week before. If I'm not mistaken, it was last Tuesday that I realized this, and my heart skipped a beat. It was weird, that realization. But it was a good kind of weird. It was the kind of weird that makes one smile. :)
At this point, I am not really sure what will happen to us (or if anything will even happen) except that I am happy talking to him and getting to know him in the process. I like how he is affecting me. When I think of him, I have this want to be a good person because he genuinely seems to be one. Further, I am not a very patient person, but I do not want to rush this "something." For the first time in my life, I am taking things as they are. Never rushing. Just here. I don't know how long I need to wait for him or how long will it take me to be really ready, but it seems like I am all for waiting right now. Like I told my friend, I don't want a relationship yet. I just came from a breakup after all. I am not sure what I want at this point. I don't want this guy to be just someone who will take my ex's place because he is worth more than that. For now, I feel that we are friends, and for such a simple word, it really means a lot to me.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Bianca = Happiness
These past few days, I have been asking myself if it took me too soon to forget him.
When we broke up, I honestly thought that I needed to move 8000 miles away to forget and live a happy life again. I thought that I will only be able to live this life once I am far away from here already. However, the last few weeks have been too happy. It kind of scares me that this is something that is not normal. It's just been less than 2 months after all. But everytime I live my life without anyone breathing down my neck or without someone worrying how I will get where I want to get to, I feel like a person that is whole again. I wonder if that is alright.
I don't know if I am just doing the right moves or if I am just fooling myself. But I am seriously happy. I don't feel like something is lacking from my life right now. Well, fine I want someone to laugh with and share secrets with and coo over (haha), but I am happy. I find myself voicing out my like to have a boyfriend to my friends, but it doesn't mean I am not having fun anymore. I am having fun.
It's fun commuting alone even if I just get lost. Haha. It was fun being a bit scared of not knowing where exactly the next bus stop is or if my destination is already near or if I have already missed it. It's fun going out late at night and having impromptu dinners or movies with good friends and even going home late, too. It was fun to work on my own time. It was fun to give back to friends and have some talk with them when they are going through troubled times. I don't feel like a worthless friend or a dinner-once-a-year friend anymore. It was fun laughing with a lot of people instead of just one. It was fun staying up late in a friend's house and talking about adult things. I was fun having traditions with people who try not to break them as much as I do. It's fun that I don't need to be dragged to anyone's house when I just want to stay in my own. More than this, it was fun inviting myself to my friend's house knowing that they like me being there because I am not there all the time.
But more than this, I am at peace knowing that people are looking out for me. It is assuring to know that someone will be waiting for me when I get down the bus or that someone is just one phone call away when I get stuck or lost somewhere. It felt good to be loved knowing that my Mama and Papa wishes me a safe trip, but they just leave me alone as I find my way out of my comfort zone. But more than that, I know that they are waiting for me when I get home even if I don't even go home to their house anymore. I am thankful that people trust me enough to let me go out into the world but that they will be there when I need them.
It doesn't mean though that I am not thankful for the comfort the ex gave for more than two years since I moved here in Las Pinas. Of course, I am thankful. However, he didn't teach me anything. He didn't teach me how to take care of myself. He didn't trust me enough to go where I needed to go. He sheltered me too much I felt almost paralyzed when he left me. It was too scary to get to the jeepney again. It was scary to walk anywhere. For the first few weeks, I can't even get out of the office building alone. I am just too scared. He gave me fish for 3 and a half years and I lived. But he didn't teach me how to fish. And that is very selfish especially when he knows he doesn't have it in him to stay forever.
I guess that's what makes life easy now: I am happy with myself and what I can do. Now, happiness is not with someone anymore (yeah, yeah, I know I've been gushing over someone this week, but still, happiness is not only him. :P) Happiness now is me. And it's fulfilling to know that I can make myself happy.
When we broke up, I honestly thought that I needed to move 8000 miles away to forget and live a happy life again. I thought that I will only be able to live this life once I am far away from here already. However, the last few weeks have been too happy. It kind of scares me that this is something that is not normal. It's just been less than 2 months after all. But everytime I live my life without anyone breathing down my neck or without someone worrying how I will get where I want to get to, I feel like a person that is whole again. I wonder if that is alright.
I don't know if I am just doing the right moves or if I am just fooling myself. But I am seriously happy. I don't feel like something is lacking from my life right now. Well, fine I want someone to laugh with and share secrets with and coo over (haha), but I am happy. I find myself voicing out my like to have a boyfriend to my friends, but it doesn't mean I am not having fun anymore. I am having fun.
It's fun commuting alone even if I just get lost. Haha. It was fun being a bit scared of not knowing where exactly the next bus stop is or if my destination is already near or if I have already missed it. It's fun going out late at night and having impromptu dinners or movies with good friends and even going home late, too. It was fun to work on my own time. It was fun to give back to friends and have some talk with them when they are going through troubled times. I don't feel like a worthless friend or a dinner-once-a-year friend anymore. It was fun laughing with a lot of people instead of just one. It was fun staying up late in a friend's house and talking about adult things. I was fun having traditions with people who try not to break them as much as I do. It's fun that I don't need to be dragged to anyone's house when I just want to stay in my own. More than this, it was fun inviting myself to my friend's house knowing that they like me being there because I am not there all the time.
But more than this, I am at peace knowing that people are looking out for me. It is assuring to know that someone will be waiting for me when I get down the bus or that someone is just one phone call away when I get stuck or lost somewhere. It felt good to be loved knowing that my Mama and Papa wishes me a safe trip, but they just leave me alone as I find my way out of my comfort zone. But more than that, I know that they are waiting for me when I get home even if I don't even go home to their house anymore. I am thankful that people trust me enough to let me go out into the world but that they will be there when I need them.
It doesn't mean though that I am not thankful for the comfort the ex gave for more than two years since I moved here in Las Pinas. Of course, I am thankful. However, he didn't teach me anything. He didn't teach me how to take care of myself. He didn't trust me enough to go where I needed to go. He sheltered me too much I felt almost paralyzed when he left me. It was too scary to get to the jeepney again. It was scary to walk anywhere. For the first few weeks, I can't even get out of the office building alone. I am just too scared. He gave me fish for 3 and a half years and I lived. But he didn't teach me how to fish. And that is very selfish especially when he knows he doesn't have it in him to stay forever.
I guess that's what makes life easy now: I am happy with myself and what I can do. Now, happiness is not with someone anymore (yeah, yeah, I know I've been gushing over someone this week, but still, happiness is not only him. :P) Happiness now is me. And it's fulfilling to know that I can make myself happy.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Waking Up
In the past week, I have gone down in the dumps. I thought I already hit rock bottom last May. But last week gave a new definition to "rock bottom". Rock bottom felt like shit. It was when I was reduced to nothingness last week that I forced myself what I refused to do before: remember the bad times.
Minsan ang makakagising lang naman talaga saten - mga sarili natin :)
- April Nombrefia
I think I have already written about it in this blog. How I just can't remember anything but the good times. Last week, though, after learning the shit talking and going through the name calling and the accusations, I forced myself to remember what I have went through for the past 3 and a half years. Fortunately for me, I have recorded those times. Those times when I have needed to defend myself. Those times when I was forced to be a jealous person. Those times that left marks which resulted to a person I didn't like anymore: possessive, jealous, unappreciative, and just doesn't know how to trust.
Right after reading my blog, I had an epiphany: I put up with shit. Shit, I later admitted to myself, I didn't want to put up with for the rest of my life.
And so I surfaced after that. I finally woke up from my nightmare.
This week, I am happy to get my life back. I talk to my friends and everytime they listened to my opinion and not shrug it off, I feel better. Everytime I plan gala with them not having to think of anyone else (and definitely not having to wait for anyone to make that decision for me because he drives anyway), I feel better. Everytime I eat too much rice and no one is breathing down my neck, I feel better. Everytime I tell them something and I didn't need to defend myself and was understood, I feel better. Everytime I am allowed to sleep alone in my apartment and not having someone shout at me and question my decision, I feel better. Everytime I stay lazily in bed in the morning not worrying about someone else's schedule, I feel better.
I remember praying to God to give me something, a sign or whatever it is I need, in order for me leave things behind, leave them as they are, not expect anything more. Last week, He gave me something so painful. However, He answered my prayer. He gave me that pain so that I can start moving forward. So I will force myself to do things I am not strong enough to do. God made me strong once again.
I am happy to have done it. I am happy to be the one to step out of my craziness. I am happy to make that decision for myself. I am happy to wake up.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
And Picture Posting Begins
I had been feeling really bad lately. I think I knew too much that I just learned I can't handle these things anymore. I was alright before this week started. But all the rebounding news just threw me off course. I guess 3 years and 6 months just ain't enough for someone to stay put for a while.
Well, the thing is I do not ever plan to rebound. First, because my great set of friends won't allow me to do that. We've all agreed that it's "good riddance" for the last one, but still, 3 years and 6 months happened. He can be "good riddance" but he still happened. Also, just because he is "good riddance" doesn't mean that he should be replaced just like that. That is not something my friends will let me do; my friends are the greatest. I can't imagine them ever telling my ex that it's good he's been replaced. Second, Bianca is emotionally bankrupt. She can't give anything yet at this point.
So yeah, these are pictures I've acquired over the past month.
Tali Beach. June '10
Candid is always great.
My pimping picture. Hehe.
I've always had a kid in me.
Of course, there are the breakup buddy pictures.
Something sultry for a change.
While still in the office.
That's a familiar conveyor belt, right?
A picture with my ladies.
Walking away with my breakup buddies.
There are three girls. How can there not be a Charlie's Angels inspired picture?
This one fascinated us. Hehe.
Bored Bianca at Icebergs.
Bianca sa Breakwater. (Or Bianca ang bagong model ng Victoria Court?)
I always get the horns.
A pic that is just so cool not to post.
Well, the thing is I do not ever plan to rebound. First, because my great set of friends won't allow me to do that. We've all agreed that it's "good riddance" for the last one, but still, 3 years and 6 months happened. He can be "good riddance" but he still happened. Also, just because he is "good riddance" doesn't mean that he should be replaced just like that. That is not something my friends will let me do; my friends are the greatest. I can't imagine them ever telling my ex that it's good he's been replaced. Second, Bianca is emotionally bankrupt. She can't give anything yet at this point.
So yeah, these are pictures I've acquired over the past month.
Tali Beach. June '10
Candid is always great.
My pimping picture. Hehe.
I've always had a kid in me.
Of course, there are the breakup buddy pictures.
Something sultry for a change.First Monthsary Without One.
June 25-26, '10.
Sakae Sushi, MOA.
Icebergs, Harbour Centre
June 25-26, '10.
Sakae Sushi, MOA.
Icebergs, Harbour Centre
While still in the office.
That's a familiar conveyor belt, right?
A picture with my ladies.
Walking away with my breakup buddies.
There are three girls. How can there not be a Charlie's Angels inspired picture?
This one fascinated us. Hehe.
Bored Bianca at Icebergs.
Bianca sa Breakwater. (Or Bianca ang bagong model ng Victoria Court?)
I always get the horns.
A pic that is just so cool not to post.So far, that has been it. I was yet to record the second month of my breakup. I am not sure what I'll be able to say about this second month. It seems worst than the last one. However, it's always the darkest before the sun rises, right?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
As I Learn to be the Best Version of Me
So far, I am trying to look at my new status as a learning process. I can't say that I've already embraced it yet, but it isn't quite as bad as the weeks before. Now, I am seeing this as a chance to improve myself, so that when the one I am supposed to be with comes around, he will get a better version of me if not the best. Someone more confident. Someone who knows how to appreciate things and show that appreciation correctly. Someone who knows the right buttons to push. Someone who knows what she wants. And most especially, someone who can make her man happy.
Everyday, I learn and understand the things that led my relationship to break. However, I still maintain my stand: I can't do anything about something I don't understand. Now, I have come to understand. Little by little, light is shining down on some things. There are times when I wish I knew what I know now before. Maybe, things will be a little bit more different. Maybe, I wouldn't have to go through all the pain. However, I believe in a bigger purpose. I believe in a Divine Plan only for me. Realizing that there is a Divine Plan and that Someone is controlling these events make me a whole lot more hopeful, a whole lot more faithful. I know that after all the pain subsides, God will give me someone who will benefit from all the things I learned during this phase. That alone gets me through to the next day.
The past month and so weeks found me going out with friends more often. It opened me again to the world I missed for 3 and a half years. I have never been out as many times as I had the past month as I have in the past three years. I have reunited with my college friends and went out with office friends, too. I also got to know a lot of people who I never really paid enough attention, too, and found out just how great friends they make. I spend time with these people, get to know them, and learned a lot about them in the process.
I have also spent time with my mom, appreciating everything that she has given and done for me. I realized that no person in this world can be more important than my mom. She has been everything I need in the 23 years I lived on Earth so far. Mama saw me through the sickness, the first day of each school year (yes, even college!), the home schooling days, and most especially, my heartbreak. I will never forget how, after more than a month of being single, I finally broke down in front of her and she cried with me as I let the pain out. She hugged me the whole time and while we held on to each other, I felt that someone has finally shared my pain. I know a lot of people comforted me during the past month, but I know that no one shared my pain with me. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate everything that people did for me. But no one cried with me -- only Mama did. And for once, I felt like someone didn't just understand. Someone took some of the immense hurt I was feeling and it definitely made me feel better. My mom shared my pain. And that makes me feel loved more than anything else.
Right now, I think single is great even if I think it isn't really for me. I am just really one of those people who is made with a partner in mind. However, I am taking this time to be the best person I can be. It involves getting to know who I was before 2006 and adding a few other things to that person, too, so I can be the best that I can be. Still, I am not perfect. However, I know that there is always a better version of myself. Right now, as I relearn to care for others, as I relearn to appreciate others, as I relearn how to be a good friend to others, as I relearn how to give new friendships a shot, as I relearn to be happy with life's little surprises, I also learn how to be more mature, how to ditch the unworldly tantrums, how to learn that I can't always get what I want, how to learn that life is not really about just one person. I don't know when I will be that best version of me, but as I wake up to a new day, I know that the person I looked at in the mirror is better than the one who was there the day before.
Everyday, I learn and understand the things that led my relationship to break. However, I still maintain my stand: I can't do anything about something I don't understand. Now, I have come to understand. Little by little, light is shining down on some things. There are times when I wish I knew what I know now before. Maybe, things will be a little bit more different. Maybe, I wouldn't have to go through all the pain. However, I believe in a bigger purpose. I believe in a Divine Plan only for me. Realizing that there is a Divine Plan and that Someone is controlling these events make me a whole lot more hopeful, a whole lot more faithful. I know that after all the pain subsides, God will give me someone who will benefit from all the things I learned during this phase. That alone gets me through to the next day.
The past month and so weeks found me going out with friends more often. It opened me again to the world I missed for 3 and a half years. I have never been out as many times as I had the past month as I have in the past three years. I have reunited with my college friends and went out with office friends, too. I also got to know a lot of people who I never really paid enough attention, too, and found out just how great friends they make. I spend time with these people, get to know them, and learned a lot about them in the process.
I have also spent time with my mom, appreciating everything that she has given and done for me. I realized that no person in this world can be more important than my mom. She has been everything I need in the 23 years I lived on Earth so far. Mama saw me through the sickness, the first day of each school year (yes, even college!), the home schooling days, and most especially, my heartbreak. I will never forget how, after more than a month of being single, I finally broke down in front of her and she cried with me as I let the pain out. She hugged me the whole time and while we held on to each other, I felt that someone has finally shared my pain. I know a lot of people comforted me during the past month, but I know that no one shared my pain with me. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate everything that people did for me. But no one cried with me -- only Mama did. And for once, I felt like someone didn't just understand. Someone took some of the immense hurt I was feeling and it definitely made me feel better. My mom shared my pain. And that makes me feel loved more than anything else.
Right now, I think single is great even if I think it isn't really for me. I am just really one of those people who is made with a partner in mind. However, I am taking this time to be the best person I can be. It involves getting to know who I was before 2006 and adding a few other things to that person, too, so I can be the best that I can be. Still, I am not perfect. However, I know that there is always a better version of myself. Right now, as I relearn to care for others, as I relearn to appreciate others, as I relearn how to be a good friend to others, as I relearn how to give new friendships a shot, as I relearn to be happy with life's little surprises, I also learn how to be more mature, how to ditch the unworldly tantrums, how to learn that I can't always get what I want, how to learn that life is not really about just one person. I don't know when I will be that best version of me, but as I wake up to a new day, I know that the person I looked at in the mirror is better than the one who was there the day before.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Breakup Buddies
I haven't been the best type of friend in the three years that I have been with Mr. H. I almost never went out with my friends except for those once-a-year get togethers with my college buddies. All interaction and funny conversations with officemates happened in the confines of the office. In other words, I had an almost non-existent social life, but I didn't really care that much. I had a great lovelife (as far as I was concerned). That is the only reason I have for not finding and making time for my friends.
So imagine my surprise when everyone I ditched for three years all got into the "Breakup Cruise" when Mr. H. and I broke up. I was so overwhelmed with the support. All I had to do was utter 3 words (We broke up), and they were all there even if I didn't explicitly asked for them. I was more than happy and grateful that they showed the support I needed and helped me figure things out even I was just sulking and moping and practically throwing a tantrum when we accidentally found ourselves in High Street Friday night (I am sorry Flip and Chad. I wasn't ready to be in High Street yet. It was the last place we visited as a happy couple. But thank you for allowing me to walk outside High Street rather than through it. I love you both).
April is probably the first one who absorbed all the shock last Tuesday. The first one I told that Mr. H. and I are officially over. I felt her presence even if she was in QC. She asked all the right questions (Hinde ba third party?) and said all the right words (Don't stress yourself. Baka mapatay nga namin si Mr. H pag nagkataon). Those are actually quite funny. She made me laugh, this girl.
Next is Flip. Flip knows all the problems Mr. H. and I are having prior to the breakup for he has assigned himself to be my official guardian. Even before we broke up, Flip already explained every shit that Mr. H. had me go through. He is that guy friend I needed who should be the co-author of "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." He answered every question I had in the way I would understand (though it's so hard to understand men. I don't know where they got their brains manufactured), called Mr. H. a jerk, and let me cry when I needed to (with chips in hand, no less!).
Then there is Chad, the friend who manipulated me into Kenny Rogers, so he'll be able to get the shit that's happening out of me. I told him everything the night before Mr. H. and I broke up and that last chat conversation we had. We were both hopeful that with the last words Mr. H. said, he'll be coming back to his senses and that he just needs more space like he claimed he needed. However, we were both so wrong, so when we saw each other the next day when my heart is already all broken up, he let me cry, too, saying, "Lakasan mo lang. Wag mo dibdibin." A few days after, we had a good laugh over our credit card joke, went out last Friday, and allowed me to say "Punyeta" a few times while we were walking the length of High Street.
And of course, who will forget Katey, the one who helped me understand that "Dude, he was never coming back. He had it planned the first time he asked for space." She is the friend who shared chocolate chip mint ice cream with me and lent me a very good idea to let Mr. H. know he messed with the wrong Superfox. Until now, the evil idea has not left my brain, so Mr. H. shouldn't really keep his defense down.
Lastly, there was Riki and Albert who I think got as confused as I am since they have spent college with both Mr. H. and I. We never understood him, but we had good laughs over Riki's collection of very corny but equally funny knock-knock jokes (from Ramon Bautista himself!). It was so corny I actually thought of knocking the poor guy down, but what the hey! He's just trying to make me happy, I think. All in all, it was a nice dinner even if Riki really just made fun of my new status and told me that Mr. H. and I just wasted time and emotions for three years.
I know that more people are there for me and I just need to call on them. A lot of people showed love in FB even if I didn't know they cared. Someday, when I am mended up, I may write them all a note or will be there for them when the same thing happens to them. Right now, I just still really need them a lot, so I hope that they will continue to be there until I won't need breakup buddies anymore and need just my buddies back.
So imagine my surprise when everyone I ditched for three years all got into the "Breakup Cruise" when Mr. H. and I broke up. I was so overwhelmed with the support. All I had to do was utter 3 words (We broke up), and they were all there even if I didn't explicitly asked for them. I was more than happy and grateful that they showed the support I needed and helped me figure things out even I was just sulking and moping and practically throwing a tantrum when we accidentally found ourselves in High Street Friday night (I am sorry Flip and Chad. I wasn't ready to be in High Street yet. It was the last place we visited as a happy couple. But thank you for allowing me to walk outside High Street rather than through it. I love you both).
April is probably the first one who absorbed all the shock last Tuesday. The first one I told that Mr. H. and I are officially over. I felt her presence even if she was in QC. She asked all the right questions (Hinde ba third party?) and said all the right words (Don't stress yourself. Baka mapatay nga namin si Mr. H pag nagkataon). Those are actually quite funny. She made me laugh, this girl.
Next is Flip. Flip knows all the problems Mr. H. and I are having prior to the breakup for he has assigned himself to be my official guardian. Even before we broke up, Flip already explained every shit that Mr. H. had me go through. He is that guy friend I needed who should be the co-author of "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." He answered every question I had in the way I would understand (though it's so hard to understand men. I don't know where they got their brains manufactured), called Mr. H. a jerk, and let me cry when I needed to (with chips in hand, no less!).
Then there is Chad, the friend who manipulated me into Kenny Rogers, so he'll be able to get the shit that's happening out of me. I told him everything the night before Mr. H. and I broke up and that last chat conversation we had. We were both hopeful that with the last words Mr. H. said, he'll be coming back to his senses and that he just needs more space like he claimed he needed. However, we were both so wrong, so when we saw each other the next day when my heart is already all broken up, he let me cry, too, saying, "Lakasan mo lang. Wag mo dibdibin." A few days after, we had a good laugh over our credit card joke, went out last Friday, and allowed me to say "Punyeta" a few times while we were walking the length of High Street.
And of course, who will forget Katey, the one who helped me understand that "Dude, he was never coming back. He had it planned the first time he asked for space." She is the friend who shared chocolate chip mint ice cream with me and lent me a very good idea to let Mr. H. know he messed with the wrong Superfox. Until now, the evil idea has not left my brain, so Mr. H. shouldn't really keep his defense down.
Lastly, there was Riki and Albert who I think got as confused as I am since they have spent college with both Mr. H. and I. We never understood him, but we had good laughs over Riki's collection of very corny but equally funny knock-knock jokes (from Ramon Bautista himself!). It was so corny I actually thought of knocking the poor guy down, but what the hey! He's just trying to make me happy, I think. All in all, it was a nice dinner even if Riki really just made fun of my new status and told me that Mr. H. and I just wasted time and emotions for three years.
I know that more people are there for me and I just need to call on them. A lot of people showed love in FB even if I didn't know they cared. Someday, when I am mended up, I may write them all a note or will be there for them when the same thing happens to them. Right now, I just still really need them a lot, so I hope that they will continue to be there until I won't need breakup buddies anymore and need just my buddies back.
A Prayer
Lord, from now on, let this not be about me trying to understand. Instead, let this be about me and how I will be fine. I want to be fine. I want to stop the hurt and continue living. No matter how many self-help books I read, I know that I will need Your help, so I am asking for it now. Please make me fine. Help me through this. Be my strength when there's none left anymore. Help me clean my heart of the hurt and anger. Let me live the life that I should be living right now. Amen.
Friday, May 28, 2010
A Different Life
I would have to admit that even when I look fine most of the time, there are times when I still spend time thinking how everything went completely wrong in our relationship. Many people say it was perfect, that we are great for each other. And for the most part, I think that we really are.
But the big question is what went wrong?
I tried to rehash things and understand it from all sides, and I came to one conclusion: Hub wasn't strong enough to handle me. All throughout our relationship, I have been pretty honest with practically everything. Early on, when it wasn't even us yet, I admitted that I get bored easily, and he replied with "Magbabago-bago ako everyday para iba araw-araw." I was really like that, and I was honest about it. I did not tell anyone that I am going to be as sweet as a cupcake or as patient as a preschool teacher. So for three years, he tried to keep up with me just to make and keep me happy. And then he got tired.
As much as I want to blame myself for everything, I can't. I can't because I didn't know that he was just keeping up. Nobody told me. He never complained. What hurts the most is that fact: that he did not complain. I may be a bitch, but I would stop being one just so I can keep that one person I love. It hurts because he only told me so after three years when there is absolutely nothing that I could do anymore but hurt. And man, it sucks like hell.
Another thing that I hate him so much for is that he made me wait for more than four weeks making me believe that he'll be coming back when that's not even a part of his plan. He never planned to come back. What he is, however, is a man with no balls to tell me that "hey, this shit we call a relationship is not working anymore and I want out." He didn't. Instead, he waited for me to do it, and when I finally did, he ended the conversation with "I am still hoping for us.. Not today.. not this week.. but soon sana" making me think that there is still us to wait for. And wait I did -- for another week. Then come our monthsary, I greeted him, and I was slapped with "it's over. You ended us last week." Oh, WTF! How in the world did that fuckin happen? I was damn waiting for nothing.
This is such a sad ending to such a great love story, but everytime I wish to sulk and mope and cry my heart out and look down from buildings and wonder "will the fall kill me?", I think of myself and how there is still a lot to look forward to. My life didn't end. We did. And while I would've given my life for Hub no matter how short of a life that will be, I can't mope and sulk and cry my heart out and commit suicide for someone who dumped me after making me think he's working on his issues.
It sucks to be in this situation, but little by little life's colors are coming back again. Little by little I've been breaking out of my comfort zone and finding new meaning in life. Little by little I've stopped blaming myself for being me. I am letting go of the anger and come into terms that it's O.V.E.R. It's time to live a different life now, one that I have forgotten for more than three years.
But the big question is what went wrong?
I tried to rehash things and understand it from all sides, and I came to one conclusion: Hub wasn't strong enough to handle me. All throughout our relationship, I have been pretty honest with practically everything. Early on, when it wasn't even us yet, I admitted that I get bored easily, and he replied with "Magbabago-bago ako everyday para iba araw-araw." I was really like that, and I was honest about it. I did not tell anyone that I am going to be as sweet as a cupcake or as patient as a preschool teacher. So for three years, he tried to keep up with me just to make and keep me happy. And then he got tired.
As much as I want to blame myself for everything, I can't. I can't because I didn't know that he was just keeping up. Nobody told me. He never complained. What hurts the most is that fact: that he did not complain. I may be a bitch, but I would stop being one just so I can keep that one person I love. It hurts because he only told me so after three years when there is absolutely nothing that I could do anymore but hurt. And man, it sucks like hell.
Another thing that I hate him so much for is that he made me wait for more than four weeks making me believe that he'll be coming back when that's not even a part of his plan. He never planned to come back. What he is, however, is a man with no balls to tell me that "hey, this shit we call a relationship is not working anymore and I want out." He didn't. Instead, he waited for me to do it, and when I finally did, he ended the conversation with "I am still hoping for us.. Not today.. not this week.. but soon sana" making me think that there is still us to wait for. And wait I did -- for another week. Then come our monthsary, I greeted him, and I was slapped with "it's over. You ended us last week." Oh, WTF! How in the world did that fuckin happen? I was damn waiting for nothing.
This is such a sad ending to such a great love story, but everytime I wish to sulk and mope and cry my heart out and look down from buildings and wonder "will the fall kill me?", I think of myself and how there is still a lot to look forward to. My life didn't end. We did. And while I would've given my life for Hub no matter how short of a life that will be, I can't mope and sulk and cry my heart out and commit suicide for someone who dumped me after making me think he's working on his issues.
It sucks to be in this situation, but little by little life's colors are coming back again. Little by little I've been breaking out of my comfort zone and finding new meaning in life. Little by little I've stopped blaming myself for being me. I am letting go of the anger and come into terms that it's O.V.E.R. It's time to live a different life now, one that I have forgotten for more than three years.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
No matter how much I say that I hate you and I just want to punch you right in the middle of your face, I know, deep down, that I will still take you back no matter what.
A new side of the story was explored last night when I was out having dinner with Albert and Riki. That story is of how Hub must be feeling so pressured about his work that he wasn't able to take everything in -- our fights and his work-related stress. This means that he let me go because he needs to choose one to keep.
As much as that sounds cruel, I just feel a little sad about it instead of being hateful. I don't hate him if that is the case. While I don't like being take for granted, I kind of understand why Hub wants to prove a lot when it comes to work. He has made a point before: that is what he will do for the rest of his life, and his future means a lot to me.
Point is I just really want him back once all the stress at work has passed. As much as I want to move on completely and how I tell people these, I know I would never want to be with anyone else.
A new side of the story was explored last night when I was out having dinner with Albert and Riki. That story is of how Hub must be feeling so pressured about his work that he wasn't able to take everything in -- our fights and his work-related stress. This means that he let me go because he needs to choose one to keep.
As much as that sounds cruel, I just feel a little sad about it instead of being hateful. I don't hate him if that is the case. While I don't like being take for granted, I kind of understand why Hub wants to prove a lot when it comes to work. He has made a point before: that is what he will do for the rest of his life, and his future means a lot to me.
Point is I just really want him back once all the stress at work has passed. As much as I want to move on completely and how I tell people these, I know I would never want to be with anyone else.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
He crushed 3 years and forever right at the palm of my hand, and I don't know how in the world I am going to forgive him.
For two days now, I keep on waking up too early, way before the alarm goes off. I don't know why. Is it because I don't find anything good about sleeping anymore? Also, for two days now, there have been times when I am left alone in my thoughts and I remember him, and everything in me turns into some kind of mush. I feel like I don't have the strength to do absolutely anything.
But, ironically, I learned I have this strength that I didn't have. The day after the breakup I can already rehash things for people who asked without me crying my heart out. I can even tell them my side of the story with a little bit of humor and shrugging it off like it didn't break my heart in a million pieces. The only time I cried yesterday was when I saw all the messages of love from friends and others that I haven't talked to for a long time or didn't even know they cared encouraging me that I will move on. And I owe it all to them to move on. People I've talked to yesterday have told me I am coping well with the situation taking into account that this is not your normal breakup. This is an engagement that broke.
I wish I can sum up in this blog how angry I am at Hub for leaving me like this. He did it little by little. Only now did I realize that he really wasn't planning to come back all these time he asked for space. That was never his plan. His plan is to alter my life and make me feel like he isn't there, so that when he finally drops the bomb on me, he'd think that it won't be that painful anymore. Well, his plan already failed the moment he planned it. First, because I never prepared myself for a breakup. Second, only someone stupid will think that he can break an engagement with as little hurt as possible. He crushed 3 years and forever right at the palm of my hand, and I don't know how in the world I am going to forgive him.
I wish I can blame myself for everything I did. Well, partially, I can, but I can't blame myself for him letting himself get angry at me for three years and not letting me know. That is, again, a stupid thing to do and it reminds me so much of what his ex did to one of my friends. Why in the world are you telling me this now when you had three years to complain? You don't drop everything you've kept for so long on a person only to let them know when it's already too late. Right then and there, I felt betrayed for three years and 5 months. I don't know how he loved me and left me in this state. I didn't know how he was able to do that because seriously when he was having a grand time doing some unforgivable things, I went on ahead with the relationship because that is what love is about. I have given him all the time and opportunity to be better by letting him know of things that I didn't like which he never used to make himself better. And when he didn't take that opportunity, I never left him, never surrendered because that is what love is about. These things he did makes me want to completely forget that the past 3 or so years happened.
However, as much as I want to forget as easily as I can, it scares me. Probably because I don't want to be alright now, and then somewhere down the road, I'll break down because I fooled myself to believe that I am really alright. I want to move slowly but steady. I take the pain little by little.
On the other hand, I also realized that I can move on easily because I have accepted that it is over. The relationship is not going to happen again. No matter how many people wished that we will be alright sometime in the future, I don't think that it's going to happen ever. And most especially, Hub proved to me that he can't be there for me when I need him. And for this reason, I choose not to be with someone who is not able to handle me.
But, ironically, I learned I have this strength that I didn't have. The day after the breakup I can already rehash things for people who asked without me crying my heart out. I can even tell them my side of the story with a little bit of humor and shrugging it off like it didn't break my heart in a million pieces. The only time I cried yesterday was when I saw all the messages of love from friends and others that I haven't talked to for a long time or didn't even know they cared encouraging me that I will move on. And I owe it all to them to move on. People I've talked to yesterday have told me I am coping well with the situation taking into account that this is not your normal breakup. This is an engagement that broke.
I wish I can sum up in this blog how angry I am at Hub for leaving me like this. He did it little by little. Only now did I realize that he really wasn't planning to come back all these time he asked for space. That was never his plan. His plan is to alter my life and make me feel like he isn't there, so that when he finally drops the bomb on me, he'd think that it won't be that painful anymore. Well, his plan already failed the moment he planned it. First, because I never prepared myself for a breakup. Second, only someone stupid will think that he can break an engagement with as little hurt as possible. He crushed 3 years and forever right at the palm of my hand, and I don't know how in the world I am going to forgive him.
I wish I can blame myself for everything I did. Well, partially, I can, but I can't blame myself for him letting himself get angry at me for three years and not letting me know. That is, again, a stupid thing to do and it reminds me so much of what his ex did to one of my friends. Why in the world are you telling me this now when you had three years to complain? You don't drop everything you've kept for so long on a person only to let them know when it's already too late. Right then and there, I felt betrayed for three years and 5 months. I don't know how he loved me and left me in this state. I didn't know how he was able to do that because seriously when he was having a grand time doing some unforgivable things, I went on ahead with the relationship because that is what love is about. I have given him all the time and opportunity to be better by letting him know of things that I didn't like which he never used to make himself better. And when he didn't take that opportunity, I never left him, never surrendered because that is what love is about. These things he did makes me want to completely forget that the past 3 or so years happened.
However, as much as I want to forget as easily as I can, it scares me. Probably because I don't want to be alright now, and then somewhere down the road, I'll break down because I fooled myself to believe that I am really alright. I want to move slowly but steady. I take the pain little by little.
On the other hand, I also realized that I can move on easily because I have accepted that it is over. The relationship is not going to happen again. No matter how many people wished that we will be alright sometime in the future, I don't think that it's going to happen ever. And most especially, Hub proved to me that he can't be there for me when I need him. And for this reason, I choose not to be with someone who is not able to handle me.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Fin
I can't sum up everything that happened today. No matter how long the feud has been going on already, I can't believe it ended. It's over. It's like having your dream there at the palm of your hand, and someone crushed it right then and there. No matter how you try to put it back, the pieces just keep on falling into pieces.
When I was 19, I wanted to get married at 21. When I was 20, the first boyfriend and I broke up, and since then, I just really wanted to be married. I never put an age to it, but before 25 would be nice. And last January, I thought that my dream was unraveling right before my eyes. And for 4 whole months after, I was in ecstatic bliss. I can't count how many wedding sites I looked through, how many countless gown designs I've considered. I can't count how many hours I spent in the office not doing my work, and just playing over and over in my head how October 2011 will be like.
And then it's over. I wish I knew exactly how. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that things haven't been fine for three years, practically the whole duration of the relationship. I didn't know; I wasn't that aware. I mean, how could I have figured that out now? I have a house and someone to share that dream with.
But there are things to be thankful for. I was happy that it didn't happen when everything's already in place and I am in my wedding gown waiting in church. I am thankful it happened now, when there's less work to do. I am thankful to have wonderful people loving me and making sure I am fine. I owe it to them to be fine. I am thankful that slowly I am coming into terms with myself. I am thankful that despite everything I am me; I didn't lose myself, didn't lie. I may have been an ass, but I never pretended that things are fine.
I am giving myself time to grieve. No matter how much I pray that I want to go through all 5 stages of grieving in one day, I want to be realistic about this. Someday, I will be fine. Someday, I'll look back at this chapter and be happy that despite the way my story played out, I still got my happy ending.
When I was 19, I wanted to get married at 21. When I was 20, the first boyfriend and I broke up, and since then, I just really wanted to be married. I never put an age to it, but before 25 would be nice. And last January, I thought that my dream was unraveling right before my eyes. And for 4 whole months after, I was in ecstatic bliss. I can't count how many wedding sites I looked through, how many countless gown designs I've considered. I can't count how many hours I spent in the office not doing my work, and just playing over and over in my head how October 2011 will be like.
And then it's over. I wish I knew exactly how. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware that things haven't been fine for three years, practically the whole duration of the relationship. I didn't know; I wasn't that aware. I mean, how could I have figured that out now? I have a house and someone to share that dream with.
But there are things to be thankful for. I was happy that it didn't happen when everything's already in place and I am in my wedding gown waiting in church. I am thankful it happened now, when there's less work to do. I am thankful to have wonderful people loving me and making sure I am fine. I owe it to them to be fine. I am thankful that slowly I am coming into terms with myself. I am thankful that despite everything I am me; I didn't lose myself, didn't lie. I may have been an ass, but I never pretended that things are fine.
I am giving myself time to grieve. No matter how much I pray that I want to go through all 5 stages of grieving in one day, I want to be realistic about this. Someday, I will be fine. Someday, I'll look back at this chapter and be happy that despite the way my story played out, I still got my happy ending.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Tired. Too Tired.
I want to say I'm fine, and that I am coping well. However, I can't pretend anymore. I am so tired of everything that's been happening to me. Hub and I are not fine, and I can only wish (and hope) that we'll be back to what we've been in the future. It's damn hard that I cannot even tell a soul or probably that I can't bring myself to tell anyone everything I want to share. I don't know where to start telling anyway. Everything's a blur. The last good thing I remember is him hugging me and telling me it's just me he loves. I gave him a weekend to spend with the people he wants to spend time with, and he never came back anymore. I wish he'll just be back. I miss him terribly. This week, I thought I was angry enough that I can shout in his face that I don't want him ever again. But who am I kidding. I love him, and I've failed to make him feel that. I wish that we can just go back in time, when we're just getting to know each other, and know all these and not cause him any hurt. God I miss him so much I looked over his profile picture in FB and kissed him. I thought I cannot break more than I did last May 18, but I've never been more wrong. Everyday I don't see him or hear from him or see him online, I break in a million more pieces.
Next, the team has not completed the quota for two weeks now. While I understand that people are tired, I can't quite make myself understand that. I can't quite put the disappointment into words anymore.
Lord, please make me strong. I need You now. I feel so alone, and I am hurting so much. Please hug me as I sleep tonight, and please hear what my heart has been telling You. Only You can hear it. I know You know what's going on. Please help me. Let me feel the love that's been lacking in my life.
Next, the team has not completed the quota for two weeks now. While I understand that people are tired, I can't quite make myself understand that. I can't quite put the disappointment into words anymore.
Lord, please make me strong. I need You now. I feel so alone, and I am hurting so much. Please hug me as I sleep tonight, and please hear what my heart has been telling You. Only You can hear it. I know You know what's going on. Please help me. Let me feel the love that's been lacking in my life.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Been Doing Good. Surprisingly.
It has been a good week, so far. :)
I found out this week that staying late in the office, when there's just very few people left, is actually kind of fun. It allows for Pyramid to be played loudly for a gazillion times (hanggang mapaos si Charice na hindi naman nangyayari), allows for singing out loud without the bosses giving weird looks, allows for faster essays (amazing), allows for dinner-outs with friends. It practically allows for everything to happen.
Amazing. This week was that. It was amazing in ways I never thought it would be. Might be even more amazing if you're a part of this life.
I found out this week that staying late in the office, when there's just very few people left, is actually kind of fun. It allows for Pyramid to be played loudly for a gazillion times (hanggang mapaos si Charice na hindi naman nangyayari), allows for singing out loud without the bosses giving weird looks, allows for faster essays (amazing), allows for dinner-outs with friends. It practically allows for everything to happen.
Amazing. This week was that. It was amazing in ways I never thought it would be. Might be even more amazing if you're a part of this life.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Afterthoughts of a weekend
It's amazing how much I was able to forget while out with great people in a great place.
It has been a great weekend with people I love being with. I love all the talking and the laughing and the swimming and even the drinking (first time to try vodka). For a little less than 24 hours, I forgot I wasn't wanted. Forgot that there was a quota yet to be completed. Forgot that tomorrow will be the start of a new work week. Forgot I was hurting. Forgot just about everything even if it was a place we spent time together.
What the friends said were all comforting. But the moment I stepped in Manila, there it was again -- that feeling I can't quite put into words. I was able to stop crying for 24 hours, but there it was again. Maybe, it was the vodka that allowed me to sleep soundly. Maybe that should become a part of the nightly routine. But it must really be the good friends with the vodka. Hehe. No, it was really the good friends.
I wish I can just stay there forever, even if it will bring back memories eventually. I wish I can stay lounging in the pool, facing the sun and seeing only the light. I kind of don't care about the weird tan lines anymore (courtesy of the monokini). It was great just being there. I felt one with the water, one with the trees, one with the sky, one with the sun. I felt whole. I felt like I wasn't looking for anything.
That is what I realized when I came home: I will really leave this place if things don't work out. I will need to. It will hurt more to leave friends, but somehow that will keep me sane and healthy. Happy, maybe not. But I guess, right now, sane is what I am really after.
What the friends said were all comforting. But the moment I stepped in Manila, there it was again -- that feeling I can't quite put into words. I was able to stop crying for 24 hours, but there it was again. Maybe, it was the vodka that allowed me to sleep soundly. Maybe that should become a part of the nightly routine. But it must really be the good friends with the vodka. Hehe. No, it was really the good friends.
I wish I can just stay there forever, even if it will bring back memories eventually. I wish I can stay lounging in the pool, facing the sun and seeing only the light. I kind of don't care about the weird tan lines anymore (courtesy of the monokini). It was great just being there. I felt one with the water, one with the trees, one with the sky, one with the sun. I felt whole. I felt like I wasn't looking for anything.
That is what I realized when I came home: I will really leave this place if things don't work out. I will need to. It will hurt more to leave friends, but somehow that will keep me sane and healthy. Happy, maybe not. But I guess, right now, sane is what I am really after.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Of Pains, Hurts, and More
Dear You,
I really want to ask you if you're already ok, or if we are already ok. It pains me, this thing that we are going through right now. I am sad; I find myself crying just about every night. I wish that we will just go back. You know, back. I am hurting so much it's like I am breaking into a million pieces everytime I think of you.
I want to ask, how do you feel knowing you're hurting me? Does my pain make you feel better? I am not saying you're bad. I am just thinking did I hurt you that much? I pushed you away for what 3 times? Do I need to go through this for this long? Nobody has hurt me this much my entire life. I am so confused. I don't know if you still wish to have a life with me.
Just a few days ago, I looked at our house. Do you remember that we have one, or that we will have one in the future? Right now, the future looks too bleak. What used to be so sure, so clear, so true now just feels like a blot in the days to come. Before, I close my eyes and I see you -- you wth me. I see us. I close my eyes now, and there is nothing. The future is that blank.
We used to be so sure. We used to be so happy. I look back, and now, I don't remember when the last time we actually laughed together was. When was that? Do you remember? Do you still wish to remember? I wish I can still feel you, but I don't anymore. It's numb. Everything is.
I am holding on because I am wishing there will still be a future. As a matter of fact, I have contacted some photographers and reception venues over the weekend. I am wishing for our wedding still.
I love you. I hope you know how much. I am sorry that you don't seem to love me anymore. I pity myself for having you, but not really. For seeing you, but not really. For having you sit right next to me, and not feel you. I wish I could say in one blog page how much I want you back. Or maybe I can.
But will you?
Come back?
I really want to ask you if you're already ok, or if we are already ok. It pains me, this thing that we are going through right now. I am sad; I find myself crying just about every night. I wish that we will just go back. You know, back. I am hurting so much it's like I am breaking into a million pieces everytime I think of you.
I want to ask, how do you feel knowing you're hurting me? Does my pain make you feel better? I am not saying you're bad. I am just thinking did I hurt you that much? I pushed you away for what 3 times? Do I need to go through this for this long? Nobody has hurt me this much my entire life. I am so confused. I don't know if you still wish to have a life with me.
Just a few days ago, I looked at our house. Do you remember that we have one, or that we will have one in the future? Right now, the future looks too bleak. What used to be so sure, so clear, so true now just feels like a blot in the days to come. Before, I close my eyes and I see you -- you wth me. I see us. I close my eyes now, and there is nothing. The future is that blank.
We used to be so sure. We used to be so happy. I look back, and now, I don't remember when the last time we actually laughed together was. When was that? Do you remember? Do you still wish to remember? I wish I can still feel you, but I don't anymore. It's numb. Everything is.
I am holding on because I am wishing there will still be a future. As a matter of fact, I have contacted some photographers and reception venues over the weekend. I am wishing for our wedding still.
I love you. I hope you know how much. I am sorry that you don't seem to love me anymore. I pity myself for having you, but not really. For seeing you, but not really. For having you sit right next to me, and not feel you. I wish I could say in one blog page how much I want you back. Or maybe I can.
But will you?
Come back?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Home in 2011
Let me say that sometime in 2007 I got a bit obsessed about owning a house. On second thoughts, I think I've always been obsessed with owning my own house. My family has never owned a house. My parents married very young because of me. Hehe. So like most young families, they already had a responsibility, so owning a house was never a priority. And so my life was spent in rented apartments or relatives' houses.
So imagine my excitement now that Hub and I have already reserved our first home! Yes, first, because we don't plan on stopping here. This is just the house that we'll live in while we don't have a big family yet.
I am so happy to start this way - just the two of us, with our own house. Life can never be better than this. :)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
So Damn, I'm Back Again
I must admit that Tumblr wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be. Hihi. Sorry, but it looked really promising. Unfortunately, I think it's not really something for serious (and serial) bloggers like I am. All the reblogging and liking has a very social networking vibe to it. I already have Facebook and Friendster for my social networking activities, so I don't need a social networking site posing like a blog.
Well, anyways, that must be enough for a welcome note. I just want to explain why I'm back. Haha. I hope I'll push through with this blog for this year. Since I don't plan to kill myself working too much for a company who doesn't take care of me, I think I'll have more time for blogging again.
If you want to know what life has been like for me in college, you may visit my now-defunct college blog.
Well, anyways, that must be enough for a welcome note. I just want to explain why I'm back. Haha. I hope I'll push through with this blog for this year. Since I don't plan to kill myself working too much for a company who doesn't take care of me, I think I'll have more time for blogging again.
If you want to know what life has been like for me in college, you may visit my now-defunct college blog.
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