A blessing in disguise. As I bid 2010 goodbye, I am using those four words to describe it. By now, people already know how horribly epic the middle of my 2010 had been. It was one of pain, the kind that left you clutching at your heart. For a while, it felt like it will go on forever. But it proved itself just a ride that eventually ended. It was a ride, however, that led me to believe that everything that went horribly worng in this year are really blessings.
The heartbreak led me to finding people who stuck with me through just about every shit that happened in this year. I found my bestfriend this year, that one person who stayed no matter how hard I pushed him away sometimes. I found my soulmates this year. Those girls you only need to have an eye contact with and understand each other perfectly well. There are those people who heard me out and shared the pain because they've been through it, too. There are those who are more than willing to go on food trips just so we can all forget how heartbreaking getting heartbroken really is. And that one person from his camp (Hi Yen!) who has been loyal to me all throughout. We laughed over them, and I had never been more entertained in my life. The laughs helped me through some very tough times.
Getting heartbroken led me to another dream: that of teaching. I have always wanted to become a teacher. My earliest memories of teaching happened when I was very young, gathering the neighborhood kids over at our house, and with my very own set of chalks (colored at that! :) ) and my own blackboard, we went through things I don't even remember anymore during summer afternoons. September this year, I was given that opportunity to have two classrooms full of students, my very own kids who put up with my late-ness, and we all went crazy over thesis statements, run-on sentences and comma splices, and their 5-paragraph papers.
2010 also saw me meeting people I probably never met if I had not changed my relationship status. They were people who served their purpose well. They provided the distraction I needed so much and made me learn even more lessons than the one my heartbreak has taught me. We laughed together, and then my Bes and I laughed at them after. Haha. But no matter how small a role they played in my year, they all completed the puzzle that my 2010 has been.
Aside from them, there were those people who played some very important roles in my life when they were just minor characters before. First, there was my boss, who shared her story with me to help me get over the hurt. There is the big boss who had been patient even when I wasn't doing the work that I should be doing. There were my Gaymen, the people who worked for my Surprise Birthday party. The same people I worked with for this year's productivity award. They have been more than subordinates. After this year, when I turn them over to their new TL, I know that I have gained friends who'll probably look after my back and I for theirs.
And then there was him. When my days had been shitty, I used to listen to Coldplay's Fix You, and I always think to myself "Someday, someone's gonna come, and he'll fix me" which he did. No details. Just that. Everything's just too premature now. I can only be hopeful.
2010 is definitely a blessing in disguise. It was winning disguised as a loss, it was friendships that stemmed out of a heartbreak, it was a dream in the form of one that got shattered, it was redemption found in pain. In the end, it was still epic, but one that is very blessed. It may be in disguise, but I have already uncovered its real meaning. When I look back now, it will be with a smile that came with growing up, formed by a blessing in disguise.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Story to Tell
Engaged. It was early in January of 2010 when I changed my Facebook status from "In a Relationship" to "Engaged". I was overwhelmed with emotions I never thought actually existed. It was a different kind of happy; it was over-the-top happiness. I was 23, and I was engaged. It's my ultimate dream to get married, and I never thought that it will actually happen when I am still so young. The months that followed were bliss, as I planned an October 2011 wedding. Every time I close my eyes, I saw it in my head, and it was the most beautiful scene my very creative brain visualized. But God had other plans. On May 25, our supposedly 42nd month together, more than four months after I got engaged, I got disengaged. Getting dumped was the most painful, but also the most enriching experience, I went through.
“We’re over,” was the text message I got from him when I greeted him a Happy Monthsary. I stared at my cell phone in utter disbelief. Sure, he had been spacing out for over a month already, but we were engaged. This is something I don’t want to believe. “Please,” I begged, “we’re engaged. We’re getting married next year!” I lamented on my reply and then hit the Send button. “Let me be happy,” he texted back.
I crushed right then and there. If my heart is just outside my body, people will probably see it on the floor, shattered in about a million pieces. I don’t remember how I made it through that day, but for a lot of days after that, I felt unimaginable pain. It left me clutching at my heart every time I remember what I am now -- a girl with a broken dream and an even more broken heart. There were times in the office when I try to work with tears running down my face like a never-ending waterfall. When someone called my name, I quickly wiped the tears away and pretended that things are fine. For a while, however, I felt hollowness within. It’s like someone messed up and took out my insides, and I only have my spine holding me up. A lot of times, I felt myself wanting to crumble on the floor in a heap, a heap that no one will want to pick-up.
That is where I had been wrong and where the enriching part of my experience came into play. Someone did pick me up, and He used a lot of people who helped me make sense out of my life again. It was during this time that God gave me the people I needed, and for four months, these people worked with me to put the broken pieces of my life back together again.
These are people who never left me and made sure I did not engage in self-destructive behavior like driving up to my ex-fiance’s office and smashing his car windows into pieces that will never be fixed again. I had great friends who helped me heal in the right ways. Most of the time, though, they needed to step on the brakes and tell me, “That’s not right. You’ll land in the police station,” when I tell them of my outrageous ideas. They reminded me to be a good person during those times when my pain is making me otherwise. However, there are also those who heard me out and let me say what I want to say just to get things off my chest. They let me cry as much as I wanted and needed to, and when I stopped, they always told me that they're still there, just in case I wanted to cry some more.
But, they also made it their responsibility to see me smile. They never abandoned me all throughout my ordeal. June came around, and I found myself being taken by these people to places, so I can overwrite the memories I have of my ex and I together, but they also took me to places I have never been to. They challenged my very conservative taste buds by making me eat things I refused to eat before, Vietnamese and Korean cuisine on top of everything else, as well as stuff I really don’t know existed like Spaghetti Pizza. However, on top of all the entertainment, they heard me out some more and let me pour everything my frangible little heart has been bottling up inside. They let me cry, hugged me, and made me laugh immediately after. We even celebrated my first month of being single which we dubbed as the first monthsary of no longer having monthsaries. They reminded me that this is all for the best, and that things will work out in the end; I just have to see these through.
By July, I was already going out to see places all by myself. They still took care of me and loved me, but they let me venture into the world on my own, something my ex never did as he sheltered me from anything and everything that might hurt me leaving me with no sense of self when he left me. They didn’t do that. Instead, they guided me out into the world and let me go with a promise of a safe refuge when I come back. And they were always there when I came back, ready to hear of my adventures and mishaps.
Moving forward, August was one of my most difficult months, as I found myself relapsing and all broken up once again when I fell for someone who turned out to be who I never thought he was. It was fresh pain on top of a not-yet-healed broken heart. However, a friend was there, and he brought me to his house and planned impromptu Wii parties with our other buddies when I needed a quick pick-me-up. We found ourselves staying until the crack of dawn in his house sometimes laughing over a Korean movie and them getting drunk.
It was early in September when things turned around and God let another one of my dreams fall into my lap: that chance to teach. Again, I had friend who was there for me. He brought me to my demo teaching, and when I got the job, we celebrated over Chicken Nuggets – the only food I eat from a very famous fast food restaurant. This experience had been a crazy ride with lots of twists and turns, but it turned out to be a great one because all these time God showed me that there are people in my life who will actually see the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, and each of them will stick with me through all of these.
Today, more than four months after getting disengaged, I know that I am on the way to a full recovery. God made me realize how strong I am. It’s true. One will never really know how strong he/she is until it’s the only choice left. I find myself to be more spontaneous; I don’t plan a lot anymore. Rather, I subject myself to God’s plans. My plans don’t compare to His because His always fall into the right places. I have learned to be more grateful for family and friends who are really the only people who’ll be there when everything is bleak, to see the beauty in ugly things like heartbreak, and to take better care of myself because no one else can do it the way I can. 2010 isn’t over yet. However, I am hopeful because everyday God gives me a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, and each time I look forward, the glimmer gets brighter and brighter. It is then that I feel, in the deepest pits of my heart, that I will get my over-the-top happiness once again.
“We’re over,” was the text message I got from him when I greeted him a Happy Monthsary. I stared at my cell phone in utter disbelief. Sure, he had been spacing out for over a month already, but we were engaged. This is something I don’t want to believe. “Please,” I begged, “we’re engaged. We’re getting married next year!” I lamented on my reply and then hit the Send button. “Let me be happy,” he texted back.
I crushed right then and there. If my heart is just outside my body, people will probably see it on the floor, shattered in about a million pieces. I don’t remember how I made it through that day, but for a lot of days after that, I felt unimaginable pain. It left me clutching at my heart every time I remember what I am now -- a girl with a broken dream and an even more broken heart. There were times in the office when I try to work with tears running down my face like a never-ending waterfall. When someone called my name, I quickly wiped the tears away and pretended that things are fine. For a while, however, I felt hollowness within. It’s like someone messed up and took out my insides, and I only have my spine holding me up. A lot of times, I felt myself wanting to crumble on the floor in a heap, a heap that no one will want to pick-up.
That is where I had been wrong and where the enriching part of my experience came into play. Someone did pick me up, and He used a lot of people who helped me make sense out of my life again. It was during this time that God gave me the people I needed, and for four months, these people worked with me to put the broken pieces of my life back together again.
These are people who never left me and made sure I did not engage in self-destructive behavior like driving up to my ex-fiance’s office and smashing his car windows into pieces that will never be fixed again. I had great friends who helped me heal in the right ways. Most of the time, though, they needed to step on the brakes and tell me, “That’s not right. You’ll land in the police station,” when I tell them of my outrageous ideas. They reminded me to be a good person during those times when my pain is making me otherwise. However, there are also those who heard me out and let me say what I want to say just to get things off my chest. They let me cry as much as I wanted and needed to, and when I stopped, they always told me that they're still there, just in case I wanted to cry some more.
But, they also made it their responsibility to see me smile. They never abandoned me all throughout my ordeal. June came around, and I found myself being taken by these people to places, so I can overwrite the memories I have of my ex and I together, but they also took me to places I have never been to. They challenged my very conservative taste buds by making me eat things I refused to eat before, Vietnamese and Korean cuisine on top of everything else, as well as stuff I really don’t know existed like Spaghetti Pizza. However, on top of all the entertainment, they heard me out some more and let me pour everything my frangible little heart has been bottling up inside. They let me cry, hugged me, and made me laugh immediately after. We even celebrated my first month of being single which we dubbed as the first monthsary of no longer having monthsaries. They reminded me that this is all for the best, and that things will work out in the end; I just have to see these through.
By July, I was already going out to see places all by myself. They still took care of me and loved me, but they let me venture into the world on my own, something my ex never did as he sheltered me from anything and everything that might hurt me leaving me with no sense of self when he left me. They didn’t do that. Instead, they guided me out into the world and let me go with a promise of a safe refuge when I come back. And they were always there when I came back, ready to hear of my adventures and mishaps.
Moving forward, August was one of my most difficult months, as I found myself relapsing and all broken up once again when I fell for someone who turned out to be who I never thought he was. It was fresh pain on top of a not-yet-healed broken heart. However, a friend was there, and he brought me to his house and planned impromptu Wii parties with our other buddies when I needed a quick pick-me-up. We found ourselves staying until the crack of dawn in his house sometimes laughing over a Korean movie and them getting drunk.
It was early in September when things turned around and God let another one of my dreams fall into my lap: that chance to teach. Again, I had friend who was there for me. He brought me to my demo teaching, and when I got the job, we celebrated over Chicken Nuggets – the only food I eat from a very famous fast food restaurant. This experience had been a crazy ride with lots of twists and turns, but it turned out to be a great one because all these time God showed me that there are people in my life who will actually see the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, and each of them will stick with me through all of these.
Today, more than four months after getting disengaged, I know that I am on the way to a full recovery. God made me realize how strong I am. It’s true. One will never really know how strong he/she is until it’s the only choice left. I find myself to be more spontaneous; I don’t plan a lot anymore. Rather, I subject myself to God’s plans. My plans don’t compare to His because His always fall into the right places. I have learned to be more grateful for family and friends who are really the only people who’ll be there when everything is bleak, to see the beauty in ugly things like heartbreak, and to take better care of myself because no one else can do it the way I can. 2010 isn’t over yet. However, I am hopeful because everyday God gives me a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, and each time I look forward, the glimmer gets brighter and brighter. It is then that I feel, in the deepest pits of my heart, that I will get my over-the-top happiness once again.
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