This is Me Pretending to Talk to Someone

I.DO.NOT.HAVE.VERY.HIGH.STANDARDS.

Ok, now, it's boggling me. I have been (very) single for almost 8 months now. I have been (very) heartbroken for about 4 out of those 8 months. But well yeah, I moved on, eventually, and it's been pretty good. Actually, that isn't really what I want to talk about. HAHA.

Around December, my sister went on a (mini) heartbreak. Ok, fine. Maybe it wasn't that "mini." She moped around and was so much of a snob she snaps at me when I tease her. I knew then she wasn't taking the breakup very lightly. I think she's been with the guy since August 2010. Anyway, I did my sisterly duties and took her out with my bestfriend in tow just to amuse her a bit because I really don't like seeing people's heart break right after I experienced it. However, right after New Year, she was already hopping about being really giggly over a new guy, and I was like "What the hell?!"

How did she move on just like that?! And why is it that she already found a boy in such a short span of time?! What am I doing wrong?!

And so we go back to what I have written first: I do not have very high standards.

I was thinking, "Do I really have high standards?" No, really. Ask me, and I'll tell you that I only look for two things: (1) He should be smart and (2) He should be funny. Bad thing about this is that this combination seldom comes around.

I wish falling in love is easy enough for me. I have crushes all the freakin' time. I can just sit beside someone who smells really nice, and I'll rave about him for weeks. But I guess, I just don't jump into relationships fast enough. In my 24 years, I've only had two boyfriends, both long-term ones. Nothing shorter than 2 and a half years.

That is probably it. When I decide to be with someone, I do not think, "Ok, I'm just here because I am all giggly now." I don't. When I choose someone, I have thought it over and really hard, too. I am going to be here for the long haul. I will put up with him even if he annoys me sometimes. I am going to stick around even through the bad times. I will love him more than anyone else in this world. And I promise to give him time, and we're going to go watch fireworks together. When I am someone's girlfriend, I am that person's girlfriend. He will never even doubt it. And I am always there.

However, I just wish I fall in love easy enough. Sometimes, I feel like I am already so close to deciding to be with someone and then all of a sudden he does something and I'm like "Okaaay. I don't like that." I turn my back and then that's it. It is then that I know, I wasn't in love yet. Because when I am in love, I am in love. Every little thing he does is magic. Every little thing just turns me on. Okaaay. Let's not sing. But you guys get the point, right? There was even a time when I watch my ex park the freakin' car because I think he looks so coooool and cute when he does that. And I'll be there sitting beside him with a very (what I assume to be) stupid smile on my face. I just get so amazed when I am in love, and it doesn't even take much to amaze me. Just look at that: he just parked the car.

I wish I can say they just don't woo me enough, but they do. I would have to say that I am very lucky when it comes to suitors. They are so persistent, really. They do all kinds of stuff: write me letters, poems, songs, bring me water when I run out of water for my bath, buy me flowers, shoes, clothes, take me out to lunches and dinners, take care of me when I am sick, just do all sorts of crazy stuff to make sure I am happy and not starving (hehe). And I really wish I can just fall in love with these people just like that or just choose any one of them because I know they'll really take good care of me. But somehow, I find something (sometimes, something really small) and then it's over. I have decided, and it's a no.

I don't really know where this blog post is going anymore. I just wish that I finally meet someone or that I finally spend just enough time with someone who will amaze me again. And then we'll fall in love, and it will be glorious.

2010: A Blessing in Disguise

A blessing in disguise. As I bid 2010 goodbye, I am using those four words to describe it. By now, people already know how horribly epic the middle of my 2010 had been. It was one of pain, the kind that left you clutching at your heart. For a while, it felt like it will go on forever. But it proved itself just a ride that eventually ended. It was a ride, however, that led me to believe that everything that went horribly worng in this year are really blessings.

The heartbreak led me to finding people who stuck with me through just about every shit that happened in this year. I found my bestfriend this year, that one person who stayed no matter how hard I pushed him away sometimes. I found my soulmates this year. Those girls you only need to have an eye contact with and understand each other perfectly well. There are those people who heard me out and shared the pain because they've been through it, too. There are those who are more than willing to go on food trips just so we can all forget how heartbreaking getting heartbroken really is. And that one person from his camp (Hi Yen!) who has been loyal to me all throughout. We laughed over them, and I had never been more entertained in my life. The laughs helped me through some very tough times.

Getting heartbroken led me to another dream: that of teaching. I have always wanted to become a teacher. My earliest memories of teaching happened when I was very young, gathering the neighborhood kids over at our house, and with my very own set of chalks (colored at that! :) ) and my own blackboard, we went through things I don't even remember anymore during summer afternoons. September this year, I was given that opportunity to have two classrooms full of students, my very own kids who put up with my late-ness, and we all went crazy over thesis statements, run-on sentences and comma splices, and their 5-paragraph papers.

2010 also saw me meeting people I probably never met if I had not changed my relationship status. They were people who served their purpose well. They provided the distraction I needed so much and made me learn even more lessons than the one my heartbreak has taught me. We laughed together, and then my Bes and I laughed at them after. Haha. But no matter how small a role they played in my year, they all completed the puzzle that my 2010 has been.

Aside from them, there were those people who played some very important roles in my life when they were just minor characters before. First, there was my boss, who shared her story with me to help me get over the hurt. There is the big boss who had been patient even when I wasn't doing the work that I should be doing. There were my Gaymen, the people who worked for my Surprise Birthday party. The same people I worked with for this year's productivity award. They have been more than subordinates. After this year, when I turn them over to their new TL, I know that I have gained friends who'll probably look after my back and I for theirs.

And then there was him. When my days had been shitty, I used to listen to Coldplay's Fix You, and I always think to myself "Someday, someone's gonna come, and he'll fix me" which he did. No details. Just that. Everything's just too premature now. I can only be hopeful.

2010 is definitely a blessing in disguise. It was winning disguised as a loss, it was friendships that stemmed out of a heartbreak, it was a dream in the form of one that got shattered, it was redemption found in pain. In the end, it was still epic, but one that is very blessed. It may be in disguise, but I have already uncovered its real meaning. When I look back now, it will be with a smile that came with growing up, formed by a blessing in disguise.

Some Things Make My Heart Glad...

... like random flowers from on our way to Tagaytay. :)