Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Dear Hub,

Let me start this by saying that there are times when I still can’t believe we’re over.

I guess that the relationship left a lot to be desired. I want to believe that we were happy, we’re probably the coolest couple around, and that we stuck through the thick and the thin. We even managed to get engaged.

The engagement. That is probably the thing that got to me out of all the other things that got to me. I would’ve understood better why you left if this 10-letter word didn’t happen. I guess, I trusted you too much. Trusted that you know what you’re doing. Trusted that you have already set your mind into living the rest of your life with me. Yeah, I probably really trusted you too much.

But how can I not? I have never loved anyone the way I loved you. It was too much I lost myself, and you did, too. And I guess that made us become two people who just won’t fit together anymore.

I didn’t write this letter to let the world know how you’ve hurt me. They already know, and so do you. Rather, let me write this letter to thank you.

I want to thank you for being a great friend. In our 3 and a half years together, I never felt the urge to look for any other friend but you. You heard me out when I have problems even if they involve my girlfriends. You go with me when I buy shoes and other girly things. You heard me rant about work. And remember how we started to be friends? That time you helped me with my IBM proposal and for coming with me when I needed to quit interning at that place?

I want to thank you for taking me out to see the world. I have never traveled the way I traveled when we were together. You brought me to places even if those were just the cities in Manila. You were patient enough to explain to me how one can get from EDSA to Baywalk. I feel like I have been everywhere in Batangas, too. And then of course there was MOA, Fort Santiago, La Salle, Market-Market, High Street, Rockwell, Nuvali, Caleruega, Mount Carmel, St. Claire, Greenhills, Fontana among others. These may be ordinary places that people go to, but you know how I am not one of those ordinary people. But still, no matter how hard it must’ve been for you to take me places, you took me in all these and more and endured all the stops because of me.

Thank you for bringing such wonderful people in my life. Thank you for Tita who treated me like her own. Thank you for your siblings. I was happy to have the opportunity to call them “Ate” and “Kuya” ‘cause I never had those being the eldest of four siblings. For your titos and titas who have all been so kind and warm to me. Thank you for the fun cousins you have, and the kids. Oh how I love the kids. And then there was your FS3 team who have been good friends to me, too.

Thank you for solving my problems for me. I appreciate how you had an answer for everything, and when you don’t, you still found them for me. Thank you for sharing what you know with me. You were never selfish with what you know.

Thank you for the endless kwento, for making me laugh so hard, for making a fool of yourself just to see me smile. Thank you for hugging me tight each time I cry. Thank you for holding my hand and guiding me when I feel like the world is already too heavy to carry on my own. But then again, it was never too heavy because you were always there. Thank you for staying in the hospital when I got confined and for comforting me each time I coughed up all those blood.

Most of all, I wanted to thank you for making me strong when you left. It was such a scare that day when we broke up when I found myself in a world where I was suddenly alone. Yes, it was a month of spacing out, but I never got to prepare myself probably because I trusted in us too much that we will pull through. However, the breakup still brought good things in my life: the love of friends, freedom, finding and meeting new people, trusting that I can do things on my own, and being happy with just being me. You made me face my fear of being alone, my biggest fear of all, when you left. I have you to thank for that and all these.

I envisioned this letter to be something else entirely different from the start. However, I don’t want to focus on the pain anymore. I wanted to focus on what you have done for me so that I will remember why the pain was worth it. It was a fruitful 3 and a half years. It wasn’t all happy, but it was beautiful.

I am freeing you now. I let you go because you said you weren’t happy anymore. Now that you are already free, I wish in my heart of hearts that you are finally happy. This way, my pain would not have been in vain. I hope that you live a life devoid of all the hurt we’ve caused each other. I hope you get to hold your dreams and be someone great. I wish you happiness, lots of it.

I hope that someday, when we see each other again, we can finally and sincerely laugh this entire chapter off and be the people we really were in the first place. :)

Always,

Bianca

P.S. I didn’t know if you saw this in FB last December, but I guess you didn’t ‘cause you never said anything, so here it is:

Babe - You’ve seen me break down a lot of times but you were still there. Thank you for taking my hand countless times, and hugging when I am so down. Thank you for loving me despite everything. I know I am not the easiest person to be with when I am about to lose a friend, stuck in a financial rut, and not in perfect health, but you were always there, never giving up on me even if I am pushing you away. From hearing out all my friendship rants, helping with my bills, packing my bags for my confinement, driving me to my check-ups, holding my hand and telling me that I will be alright, calming all my fears, looking for easy remedies and fixing my cough (at midnight) that the doctors weren’t able to fix, keeping up with me when I’m being such a bitch, and just letting me know you will always be there, thank you Babe. I am so happy and thankful I got you. I can never thank you enough. I love you always, Babe.

“This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go. - Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)

The Story of my List: A good kind of weird

Sometime this month when I was crushed into nothingness, my supervisor, Mich, shared with me the secret of The List. So what is The List?

The List is to be done this way: On a sheet of paper, I should list down everything that I want from my future partner. When I do this, I should not have an idealized version of a partner in mind or my ex-partner for that matter. The List has to be specific (e.g. I want him to be able to bear all my complaints about my work). After that, study The List, take it to heart or whatever. Just make sure you keep The List in mind.

Now, be The List.

So what is the lesson of The List?

The lesson of the list is that before I find "that person" for me, I have to be "that person" for someone else. :)

Personally, I found the list to be a wonderful idea, though it took me about at least two weeks to get down on writing my list. I didn't put all sorts of crazy things on it, though. They were very basic but very specific nonetheless. As I worked on being my List, slowly, The List revealed itself to me (or at least a small part of it).

It didn't dawn on me fast. It has been probably a week after I wrote it that this guy I have been eyeing revealed my List to me. Actually, that only happened this week even if the things he's shown happened the week before. If I'm not mistaken, it was last Tuesday that I realized this, and my heart skipped a beat. It was weird, that realization. But it was a good kind of weird. It was the kind of weird that makes one smile. :)

At this point, I am not really sure what will happen to us (or if anything will even happen) except that I am happy talking to him and getting to know him in the process. I like how he is affecting me. When I think of him, I have this want to be a good person because he genuinely seems to be one. Further, I am not a very patient person, but I do not want to rush this "something." For the first time in my life, I am taking things as they are. Never rushing. Just here. I don't know how long I need to wait for him or how long will it take me to be really ready, but it seems like I am all for waiting right now. Like I told my friend, I don't want a relationship yet. I just came from a breakup after all. I am not sure what I want at this point. I don't want this guy to be just someone who will take my ex's place because he is worth more than that. For now, I feel that we are friends, and for such a simple word, it really means a lot to me.

Bianca = Happiness

These past few days, I have been asking myself if it took me too soon to forget him.

When we broke up, I honestly thought that I needed to move 8000 miles away to forget and live a happy life again. I thought that I will only be able to live this life once I am far away from here already. However, the last few weeks have been too happy. It kind of scares me that this is something that is not normal. It's just been less than 2 months after all. But everytime I live my life without anyone breathing down my neck or without someone worrying how I will get where I want to get to, I feel like a person that is whole again. I wonder if that is alright.

I don't know if I am just doing the right moves or if I am just fooling myself. But I am seriously happy. I don't feel like something is lacking from my life right now. Well, fine I want someone to laugh with and share secrets with and coo over (haha), but I am happy. I find myself voicing out my like to have a boyfriend to my friends, but it doesn't mean I am not having fun anymore. I am having fun.

It's fun commuting alone even if I just get lost. Haha. It was fun being a bit scared of not knowing where exactly the next bus stop is or if my destination is already near or if I have already missed it. It's fun going out late at night and having impromptu dinners or movies with good friends and even going home late, too. It was fun to work on my own time. It was fun to give back to friends and have some talk with them when they are going through troubled times. I don't feel like a worthless friend or a dinner-once-a-year friend anymore. It was fun laughing with a lot of people instead of just one. It was fun staying up late in a friend's house and talking about adult things. I was fun having traditions with people who try not to break them as much as I do. It's fun that I don't need to be dragged to anyone's house when I just want to stay in my own. More than this, it was fun inviting myself to my friend's house knowing that they like me being there because I am not there all the time.

But more than this, I am at peace knowing that people are looking out for me. It is assuring to know that someone will be waiting for me when I get down the bus or that someone is just one phone call away when I get stuck or lost somewhere. It felt good to be loved knowing that my Mama and Papa wishes me a safe trip, but they just leave me alone as I find my way out of my comfort zone. But more than that, I know that they are waiting for me when I get home even if I don't even go home to their house anymore. I am thankful that people trust me enough to let me go out into the world but that they will be there when I need them.

It doesn't mean though that I am not thankful for the comfort the ex gave for more than two years since I moved here in Las Pinas. Of course, I am thankful. However, he didn't teach me anything. He didn't teach me how to take care of myself. He didn't trust me enough to go where I needed to go. He sheltered me too much I felt almost paralyzed when he left me. It was too scary to get to the jeepney again. It was scary to walk anywhere. For the first few weeks, I can't even get out of the office building alone. I am just too scared. He gave me fish for 3 and a half years and I lived. But he didn't teach me how to fish. And that is very selfish especially when he knows he doesn't have it in him to stay forever.

I guess that's what makes life easy now: I am happy with myself and what I can do. Now, happiness is not with someone anymore (yeah, yeah, I know I've been gushing over someone this week, but still, happiness is not only him. :P) Happiness now is me. And it's fulfilling to know that I can make myself happy.