Waking Up

Minsan ang makakagising lang naman talaga saten - mga sarili natin :)
- April Nombrefia

In the past week, I have gone down in the dumps. I thought I already hit rock bottom last May. But last week gave a new definition to "rock bottom". Rock bottom felt like shit. It was when I was reduced to nothingness last week that I forced myself what I refused to do before: remember the bad times.

I think I have already written about it in this blog. How I just can't remember anything but the good times. Last week, though, after learning the shit talking and going through the name calling and the accusations, I forced myself to remember what I have went through for the past 3 and a half years. Fortunately for me, I have recorded those times. Those times when I have needed to defend myself. Those times when I was forced to be a jealous person. Those times that left marks which resulted to a person I didn't like anymore: possessive, jealous, unappreciative, and just doesn't know how to trust.

Right after reading my blog, I had an epiphany: I put up with shit. Shit, I later admitted to myself, I didn't want to put up with for the rest of my life.

And so I surfaced after that. I finally woke up from my nightmare.

This week, I am happy to get my life back. I talk to my friends and everytime they listened to my opinion and not shrug it off, I feel better. Everytime I plan gala with them not having to think of anyone else (and definitely not having to wait for anyone to make that decision for me because he drives anyway), I feel better. Everytime I eat too much rice and no one is breathing down my neck, I feel better. Everytime I tell them something and I didn't need to defend myself and was understood, I feel better. Everytime I am allowed to sleep alone in my apartment and not having someone shout at me and question my decision, I feel better. Everytime I stay lazily in bed in the morning not worrying about someone else's schedule, I feel better.

I remember praying to God to give me something, a sign or whatever it is I need, in order for me leave things behind, leave them as they are, not expect anything more. Last week, He gave me something so painful. However, He answered my prayer. He gave me that pain so that I can start moving forward. So I will force myself to do things I am not strong enough to do. God made me strong once again.

I am happy to have done it. I am happy to be the one to step out of my craziness. I am happy to make that decision for myself. I am happy to wake up.

And Picture Posting Begins

I had been feeling really bad lately. I think I knew too much that I just learned I can't handle these things anymore. I was alright before this week started. But all the rebounding news just threw me off course. I guess 3 years and 6 months just ain't enough for someone to stay put for a while.

Well, the thing is I do not ever plan to rebound. First, because my great set of friends won't allow me to do that. We've all agreed that it's "good riddance" for the last one, but still, 3 years and 6 months happened. He can be "good riddance" but he still happened. Also, just because he is "good riddance" doesn't mean that he should be replaced just like that. That is not something my friends will let me do; my friends are the greatest. I can't imagine them ever telling my ex that it's good he's been replaced. Second, Bianca is emotionally bankrupt. She can't give anything yet at this point.

So yeah, these are pictures I've acquired over the past month.

Tali Beach. June '10

Candid is always great.

My pimping picture. Hehe.

I've always had a kid in me.

Of course, there are the breakup buddy pictures.

Something sultry for a change.

First Monthsary Without One.
June 25-26, '10.
Sakae Sushi, MOA.
Icebergs, Harbour Centre

While still in the office.

That's a familiar conveyor belt, right?

A picture with my ladies.

Walking away with my breakup buddies.

There are three girls. How can there not be a Charlie's Angels inspired picture?

This one fascinated us. Hehe.

Bored Bianca at Icebergs.

Bianca sa Breakwater. (Or Bianca ang bagong model ng Victoria Court?)

I always get the horns.

A pic that is just so cool not to post.

So far, that has been it. I was yet to record the second month of my breakup. I am not sure what I'll be able to say about this second month. It seems worst than the last one. However, it's always the darkest before the sun rises, right?

As I Learn to be the Best Version of Me

So far, I am trying to look at my new status as a learning process. I can't say that I've already embraced it yet, but it isn't quite as bad as the weeks before. Now, I am seeing this as a chance to improve myself, so that when the one I am supposed to be with comes around, he will get a better version of me if not the best. Someone more confident. Someone who knows how to appreciate things and show that appreciation correctly. Someone who knows the right buttons to push. Someone who knows what she wants. And most especially, someone who can make her man happy.

Everyday, I learn and understand the things that led my relationship to break. However, I still maintain my stand: I can't do anything about something I don't understand. Now, I have come to understand. Little by little, light is shining down on some things. There are times when I wish I knew what I know now before. Maybe, things will be a little bit more different. Maybe, I wouldn't have to go through all the pain. However, I believe in a bigger purpose. I believe in a Divine Plan only for me. Realizing that there is a Divine Plan and that Someone is controlling these events make me a whole lot more hopeful, a whole lot more faithful. I know that after all the pain subsides, God will give me someone who will benefit from all the things I learned during this phase. That alone gets me through to the next day.

The past month and so weeks found me going out with friends more often. It opened me again to the world I missed for 3 and a half years. I have never been out as many times as I had the past month as I have in the past three years. I have reunited with my college friends and went out with office friends, too. I also got to know a lot of people who I never really paid enough attention, too, and found out just how great friends they make. I spend time with these people, get to know them, and learned a lot about them in the process.

I have also spent time with my mom, appreciating everything that she has given and done for me. I realized that no person in this world can be more important than my mom. She has been everything I need in the 23 years I lived on Earth so far. Mama saw me through the sickness, the first day of each school year (yes, even college!), the home schooling days, and most especially, my heartbreak. I will never forget how, after more than a month of being single, I finally broke down in front of her and she cried with me as I let the pain out. She hugged me the whole time and while we held on to each other, I felt that someone has finally shared my pain. I know a lot of people comforted me during the past month, but I know that no one shared my pain with me. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate everything that people did for me. But no one cried with me -- only Mama did. And for once, I felt like someone didn't just understand. Someone took some of the immense hurt I was feeling and it definitely made me feel better. My mom shared my pain. And that makes me feel loved more than anything else.

Right now, I think single is great even if I think it isn't really for me. I am just really one of those people who is made with a partner in mind. However, I am taking this time to be the best person I can be. It involves getting to know who I was before 2006 and adding a few other things to that person, too, so I can be the best that I can be. Still, I am not perfect. However, I know that there is always a better version of myself. Right now, as I relearn to care for others, as I relearn to appreciate others, as I relearn how to be a good friend to others, as I relearn how to give new friendships a shot, as I relearn to be happy with life's little surprises, I also learn how to be more mature, how to ditch the unworldly tantrums, how to learn that I can't always get what I want, how to learn that life is not really about just one person. I don't know when I will be that best version of me, but as I wake up to a new day, I know that the person I looked at in the mirror is better than the one who was there the day before.