Things Are Looking Up

In the summer of 2000, I had my first cardiac catheterization done in PGH. We were hoping to get my heart fixed. It was supposed to be so easy. They insert the catheter in through an artery in my groin, and they can already close the hole (I believe it's called coiling). No cuts, no scars, just two vampire-like bites. I was very hopeful. But they weren't able to close it then. We found out that it was already inoperable because the pressure in my lungs was already high. I need to have a lung transplant first, and then they can close the hole in my heart after. The first problem was lung transplant is not available in the country, and I was still so young to have it. All I know then is that I can go on living until I am 30 without the operation. That was it. I have been dreading this age since I was 13. It always felt like I was counting down the years. I was terrified of how the future would be like. What would my 20s be like? Will I still be able to walk? Will I have to be in a wheelchair already? Will my fingers look like my toes? Will my legs be swollen? Will I even outlive my parents? But the years passed. While I still can't take a long walk without losing my breath, I was feeling a lot better. I went back to regular school, went to prom, finished college with flying colors, rode the Anchor's Away in EK (which I don't plan to do again! I seriously thought it was no biggie, but I swear, one more drop and I would have had a heart attack!), moved out of my parents' house at 21, went places, rode an airplane (which they said I couldn't do), fell in love a number of times, got married. The list goes on. I would like to say I lived my life the best I could. The years came with challenges, but health-wise, the most noteworthy change was that I coughed up blood in 2009 and needed to have oxygen an hour every night. But that was it.


In 2009, when I coughed up blood for the first time, they suggested having a cardiac catheterization done again, but I resisted it. All I know then was that it was just to check on my heart, and I was thinking if it's not going to repair the hole, then why do I need to undergo it again? In April 2015, I coughed up blood again, which had me hospitalized for a few days. My cardiologist then told me to have another cardiac catheterization done, so they can check on my heart's condition. The last one has been so long ago already (15 years ago then), and I was scared to have it done again. It took me a long while to recover from the last one (so long that I had to be homeschooled for two years), so I've been avoiding it ever since.


But my doctors convinced me that technology already changed. A lot of things already changed since 2000. Even my body's condition may have changed already, so we need to check because there is a possibility that my heart can still be fixed. I said ok, I'll do it, but only after we've gone to Batanes, a trip we planned for June of 2015. I didn't know if I will recover in time, and I wanted to go to Batanes. So we waited. But Yayay proposed in Batanes, and so I said, let's wait until after the wedding. I wanted to get married in Caleruega, and I am not even sure if I'll make it to Caleruega if I have the cardiac catheterization done. Also, I would rather put all the money into the wedding. And so, I got married in December 2016 and promised to have the procedure after our honeymoon. It was finally scheduled on April 21. In the summertime again. Seventeen years after the first one.


To be honest, I didn't know what results I would like to get. I am afraid to have an operation. Just the mere thought that I will be cut up terrifies me. Plus, the money that is needed for the operation is big. But I don't want to be sick forever either. The future is dim if we will not have my heart fixed. Congestive heart failure - that is what we are waiting for. Basically, we just wait for my heart to give up. Plus, I can't have kids. While Yayay and I are ok with the idea of adopting, having our own child is still different. I was so confused; I don't even know what to pray for. So when I chanced upon St. Expeditus' novena in Newlyweds@Work, I didn't ask for either of my options. All I prayed for was that I be able to spend so many years with my husband. That I be allowed to grow old with him. I prayed that everything is up to Him. I was pretty peaceful after that. I was nervous about the cardiac catheterization, but I am at peace with whatever result we're going to get.

The night I was admitted in the hospital.

 And so April 21 came. They took me out of my room a little before 8 am. I know that I was sedated, but I was wide awake while they were prepping me. It was the most uncomfortable situation I've been in since I can't even remember! They strapped me on the table in the cath lab, so I couldn't move. Suddenly, different parts of my body started to itch, and I wanted to go scratch them, but I was strapped; my wrists were strapped to the table. It was so irritating that I started to cry. I prayed and asked God to please just let me sleep. I think I slept for a bit while we waited for my doctor, but I woke up right after he arrived, so I was again awake as he injected anesthesia in my groin. It was painful, and I cried again. You know, when you're sick, there are some things you'll have to go through on your own. I am pretty sure my mother will take that shot for me if she could, but she couldn't. I passed out right after, so I was asleep for the most part of the procedure as they inserted catheters in my groin into my heart. Unfortunately for me, I woke up right before they were finished, and I felt the catheter in my heart. It wasn't painful, but my heart felt heavy. Like it was being squeezed. I wasn't able to sleep again after, so I was awake while they pressed on the insertion site (painful again) to stop the bleeding. And while they were cleaning me up, my doctor walked over to me, and said:

"Kamusta ka, Bianca? Ok pa, pwede pang operahan. Pero we can't wait for 2 years kasi baka magbago ang pressure ulit. I will do calculations over the weekend."

It was like I walked out of a room after being locked in for so long. The future is here. Suddenly, the possibilities are endless. I am still operable. The past 17 years as I have known are over and the future is suddenly looking up. I will take long walks again, join my husband as he climbs mountains, jump off cliffs, ride a rollercoaster, become a mother (for real)! Be normal again! Be around for a very long time.


When we got married, I wrote my husband a letter. He read parts of it in our wedding video, but this moved him to tears:

"Ang tagal mo nang mag-isa bago ako dumating. I promise you that you will never be alone again. I am sure that there are certain adventures that you will have to make on your own, but I promise that I will always be waiting for you to get home - excited to hear all of your stories."

With the future looking bright, I can go on any adventure my husband will make. And nothing is making me as happy as that thought right now.

#Biyayaforevs: Countdown to 100

I can't believe we're now just down to 100 days (technically, 102 as I write this) before we get married. It wasn't long ago when I counted down to 200 days. We've had a number of wins or ticked to-dos from our list from the past 100 days. So far, this girl's still a bridechilla. So what happened in the last 100 days?

We finished all the artwork for the invitation.
Our invitation is probably the most painful part of wedding planning for us. My brother started the paintings sometime in April if I remember it right. There were a lot of details we wanted to put in that it took him a while to finish and then my cousin digitized these drawings. I loooove all the artwork my brother and cousin created. A couple of weeks ago, we already sat down with our invitation designer (my good friend/bridesman, Ricky), and he told me we can have it printed by the 28th. Hopefully, that happens because I already want my lola to bring the invites for Tita Mia and Tita Cielo when she flies to the US on the 30th.

I had my first fitting.
I met with my wedding gown designer early July and had my first fitting. My gown turned out a bit different from what we initially discussed (for example, there will be no tulle overlay for my reception gown anymore) and the color was different from what I imagined. From our last discussion, it seemed like the appliques will be a bit different from the pegs I sent. I voiced out my concern over this because I couldn't visualize what my designer intends to do, but he agreed to show me the appliques before he stitches them on in case I didn't like them and need to have them changed. There needs to be some adjustments on the bodice, but so far, so good. I'll be fitting again this September. I can't wait!

We had our food tasting.
We booked our caterer before we even tasted any of their dishes, which wasn't so weird to me at first until my friends from a wedding support group told me that they all had their food tasting first before they booked their caterers. We finally had our food tasting last August 14. We dragged our parents with us, so they can chat a bit and get to know each other a bit more. I think that it went well, and we liked the dishes we tasted although they didn't serve everything on the menu, so we ended up with dishes that we really didn't get to taste. Lol. I am just really banking on Balay Indang's reputation at this point. We also grabbed the chance to show Yayay's parents what the venue looked like, and like everyone else we brought there before, we were met with "Ito na yon?" when they saw the entrance and a "Ah maganda pala at malaki" when they finally went inside. Haha. I really feel that we need to do something about that entrance. I will brainstorm with my entourage soon.

The parentals and the fiance's parentals.

Shelah and I went to Divi and finally bought the fabric for their gowns.
Let me be honest: I am not that excited about the fabric we bought. We couldn't find the right shade of red I want them to wear, so we settled on the darkest one we saw, which it turned out, isn't as dark as I thought. :( We bought some fabric last February, and it turned out darker than the one we bought last July. I am just hoping that this fabric will not turn orange in the photos. My photographer's shots tend to be lighter than actual colors. However, I refuse to let 20 yards of fabric go to waste even if Yayay said I should just buy again if I am not happy with the one I purchased.

We were able to get our wedding rings.
We had our wedding rings made in Mayfair at Binondo. We went there in June just to look around, but we placed our order in the same day. The wedding ring I ended up with was entirely different from the peg I saw online. I really like one with uneven edges in rosegold, which I saw from one of the jewelry makers I am following on IG. However, the woman at Mayfair said they can try to make it but it may not look exactly like the photo I have with me. They can fix it until I am satisfied, though, but I need to pay every time they'll do additional work on it. I didn't want all the uncertainties (and definitely not the additional payments), so I decided to just pick a design from what they currently have and place an order in my size. But because I can't seem to make up my mind, Yayay picked out my ring for me. It is beautiful and looks good with my engagement ring. Then after a month, we went back for it. I still can't stop myself from wearing it every now and then.

The BAWIES had a bachelorette party!
The BAWIES is made up of girls from the wedding support group that we're all a part of. Member of Weddings@Work are called Wawies, but the girls in our group turned out to be workaholics (most them are at work when we have our chat sessions) so we nicknamed ourselves Bawies, which means "Brides-at-work". So anyway, we had our bachelorette party at Victoria Court in Pasig last July. I am usually not down with spending time with people I haven't actually met, but these girls are pretty close to my heart and we've shared some really crazy things over the past few months, they aren't strangers anymore. The party turned out to be really fun (but, you know, what happens in Victoria Court stays in Victoria Court), so let's just leave that at "fun." ;)

The B@WIES - Aki!

The B@WIES + Aki!

I am continuing this post a month after and so far, we don't have the invitations yet (hopefully, this week), and my fitting was moved to October. Yayay and I also had the most exhausting 3 days last week, but we were able to file for our marriage license, go to Marikina to order Yayay's custom shoes, and have Yayay confirmed (finally!! We went through so much headache to have the details in his baptismal certificate corrected).

It's just 67 days til we say our I dos. I can't wait for the craziness to end, and to be able to see Yayay's face every single day. :)

Coming full circle

It was the year 2010 when I got my heart broken. I remember it was May 25, so around this time six years ago, I wrote a great deal about it in this blog and wrote even more emo, kadiri, heartbreak statuses in Facebook. My favorite social media site has evolved so much that it kept on reminding me about these posts every year. I didn't go around making a deal of deleting them. These weren't good memories, but these remind me that things will work out in the end. I like being reminded of that.

The past five years were ok. After all, it didn't take me a year to find someone who will make my heart go a-flutter again. I have lived my life as happily as I can. I am more in love now than I had ever been in my entire life. But you never really fully recover from heartbreak and the trauma it brought you. There are a lot of things in this world that brings back the pain. Not the intense pain I felt in 2010, but a tiny tug in my being reminding me that something awful happened a long time ago. To be honest, I don't even remember what it was like being with my ex. Sometimes, I'd stumble on his name in mutual friends' pages, and I feel like I don't know the guy anymore. That is weird because I have never forgotten the pain he's brought into my life.

Yes, the past five years were ok. Until June 20 this year rolled around. It was time once again for Facebook to remind me of my emo statuses from the past, but this year, sitting on top of the On This Day reminders, on top of all my shitty heartbreak posts, is this one:

 

And it felt like I have finally come full circle. It was a complete reversal of where I was six years ago. I felt like God told me, "Diba sabi ko Ako ang bahala sa'yo?" And, indeed, God has been so faithful to me.

He made sure that I never lost faith in my happy ending even when I was reeling in pain. Somehow, I knew that eventually it will work out. It didn't make the pain any less painful, but it helped me look forward. 2010 feels like a lifetime ago already. 

And now, here I am, a few months away from our forever. Sometimes, I look at Gerald as he sleeps, and my heart can't stop doing silly little dances. I am so lucky; I really am. God really made it up to me. Siguro sinasabi Niya, "Ayan ha. Bayad na Ako sa utang Ko sa'yo. With interest pa."

#biyayaforevs

The story of our engagement went way back last year.  For me, at least.

I have been waiting for the moment for what seemed like a really, really, really long time, and I had a lot of hopia moments since last year. Mid-2014, my boyfriend and another friend have been teasing one of their friends that his boyfriend will propose to her during a vacation outside the country. During that time, we had a trip planned for October. We're going to Bali - our first vacation outside of the Philippines. I don't know why, but I suddenly had this feeling that Bali might be "it" for us. I got myself all pumped up and saw signs that, looking back now, are just things that really don't mean anything. In May last year, I lost a ring in a hotel in Baguio. I had this crazy idea that maybe he was keeping it and using it to buy me an engagement ring. I was really hoping for big things in Bali. But nothing happened. I wasn't heartbroken about it, though; Bali was beautiful even without the engagement. Maybe, it just really wasn't the right time.

 At Pura Ulun Danu Bratan, Bedegul (October 2014)

So I then looked forward to El Nido where we will be celebrating our 4th anniversary. It seemed to make sense to me - it was our anniversary and El Nido is one of the most beautiful spots in our country. I just felt like Yayay is not the type who'll just propose in an ordinary place, but I also know he won't go through anything that will require extensive planning - nothing like the flash mob types. I had my hopes up again. Every now and then, I'd ask him about getting engaged and in one conversation I asked out loud when it was going to happen. He looked at me with a mischievous smile and said "soon." I was over the moon. I was really, really, really hoping that it'll be El Nido for us. But El Nido came and went, and I am again back in Manila with no bling in tow.

 Small Lagoon, El Nido (March 2015)

At that point, I was exasperated. I had conversations with my sister in Skype as evidence. I told her that I am getting tired of waiting, that I don't know if Yayay will ever get around to it. Before going to Batanes, I remember telling my sister that I am not sure what I'll do if I go back home still not engaged. It should be IT; we do not have anything planned after Batanes because we talked about our future early 2015 and we're pretty much set on putting in a down payment for a house. Usually, we'd have multiple trips planned ahead of time (e.g. we booked Batanes even before we got to go to Bali and El Nido even before we got to visit Batanes), but there's nothing after Batanes. Weirdly enough, I snapped out of the craziness as June rolled in. I was still hoping, but I was pretty calm about it.

And then it was time for Batanes. Let me tell you this: pictures don't do Batanes any justice. It was so breathtakingly beautiful. Every spot, every nook and cranny is picturesque. Batanes can be overwhelming on the senses in a REALLY good way. Sa sobrang ganda, mapapagod ka mag-picture! In short, I forgot about getting engaged as soon as I set foot on the island - until we were at the Tinyan-Chamantad view point in Sabtang. That was June 19 - our 51st monthsary.

Tinyan-Chamantad Viewpoint, Sabtang (June 2015)

It was a tiring walk (at least for me. Every kind of walk is tiring for me anyway) to the tip of the view point. Somewhere along the way, while I stopped to catch my breath, I looked around the rolling hills around me. It was so calming, and then suddenly, I remembered the engagement and I panicked! My heart raced and a voice in my head kept on shouting, "Oh no sana wag dito! Ang daming tao nakakahiya!" Sobrang na-stress ako! Hahaha! And then Yayay led me to the rock - one of the spots in the view point where people go to take photos. Sobra kong kinabahan! I was thinking hindi ko kakayanin pag bigla na lang lumuhod dito si Yayay!! Well, to my relief (and disappointment - I can't seem to make up my mind about this engagement: gusto ko ba talaga o hinde??) he didn't propose that day.

Not today, Bianca. Still not today. (Tinyan-Chamantad Viewpoint, June 19, 2015) 

So June 20 rolled in - our third day in Batanes. We got into a silly fight that morning, and I was so annoyed at Yayay. Napaka-suplada ko na naman kay Yayay. Haha! He tried to talk me out of my bad mood the entire morning, but I just kept getting annoyed. I think I snapped out of it when we were already in Alapad Hill. The tour is almost done at that point. Maybe just 2 or 3 more spots left and we will be calling it a day.

Konti na lang, girl! (Alapad Hill, Batan. June 20, 2015)

We started the South Batan tour late, so we decided to divert from the usual route. We were supposed to have lunch at Marlboro Country like all other tour groups, but since we just had breakfast, we decided to visit other spots first and just have late lunch. When we got to Racuh a Payaman (Marlboro Country), we practically have the entire place to ourselves. There is just one group left taking photos while we had lunch. When it was time for us to go up the hill, it was empty already - just us and our tour guide. He took photos of us. We then took some selfies, sat on the ground, and took some more selfies. Then Yayay sent our tour guide away "Sige Kuya, una na kayo. Sunod na lang kami." I was just sitting there, taking all the beauty in - the rolling hills, the ocean, more rolling hills, and Mt. Iraya in the distance and then suddenly, "Babe, tayo ka." Sabi ko, "Bakit?" "Sige na. Tayo ka."

Racuh a Payaman aka Marlboro Country (June 20, 2015)

And then it happened.

"Babe, love mo ba ko?" Arte! Anong love-love?

"Ha? Ano ka ba? Syempre!" Isa pang maarte!
 
"Babe, nakapag-decide na ko." Oh my God, ito na ba yon?!

Yayay gets down on one knee.

"Will you marry me?"

I vaguely remember asking Yayay, "Seryoso ba 'to?! Seryoso ka ba??" a few times. I can't remember it vividly. But according to him, that's exactly what happened. Sabi niya mukha daw akong nagpapanggap na di ko alam ang nangyayari. Haha! Pero seriously, no matter how many times you've prayed and hoped and prayed some more, an engagement has a tendency to throw you off course. Kahit gaano ka na ka-hopia, you'd deny the moment when it's finally there.

I remember though that I said yes, kissed him, and he slipped the diamond on my finger.

And just like that, my months of hopia moments are over. Biyayaforevs is finally happening.

Enchanting Coron

In two days, it's going to be three months since I neglected this blog. A lot has happened that's actually share-worthy, but I don't know, I wasn't feeling the kick to write lately. I've been having some highs and lows this year that I am getting quite confused myself. I don't want that confusion to transfer to any of the hapless souls who happened to stumble in here. Today, I am not quite so up to sharing the lows, so let's focus on the highs for this post.

I've done a lot of traveling, going around this year since I quit my full-time job at CCI. Last March, I found myself on my second plane ride bound for Coron. The Coron Town proper is a 45-minute ride away from the Busuanga Airport. Unlike Puerto Princesa, there's not much city feel in Coron. It's a quaint little coastal town. I asked the driver who took us to Maquinit Hot Springs if they have Jollibee there (haha), and he said that they don't have any fastfood "kasi malulugi po ang ibang kainan." Aside from this, Coron experiences some power outage during the day. There was actually one night in the hotel when the power went out. We checked in at Palanca Guest House, which is very near the boat docking area. It's not much to boast (very basic), but the room we got was big and clean. I'm not for luxury when traveling, and I'm ok as long as the floor and bathroom are clean. We got to Coron late afternoon after our flight got delayed for about an hour or so. We only had a few minutes to get prepped by our contact person, and then we changed for an early evening dip at Maquinit Hot Springs. I am not joking when I tell you it's almost scalding hot. It was so hot I need to dip myself little by little into the water so that my body can adjust to the temperature. It's very relaxing, though, once you get used to the very hot water. One thing I hope they work on are shower rooms. They don't have any, just changing rooms.

After around 30 minutes, we left the place and headed back to town where we had our first meal at Bistro Coron. I read some websites before going to Coron, and it doesn't seem like Coron has a specialty dish (unlike Puerto Princesa which has tamilok), so we had pizza and pasta on our first night. I recommend you go to Bistro Coron if you find yourself in the quaint town in the future.

Bistro Coron

Early the next day, a tricycle picked us up from the lodge for our Coron Island tour. This includes a tour of Siete Picados, a famous snorkeling spot, the very beautiful and serene Kayangan Lake, lunch in Sampaloc Island, the Twin Lagoons, and snorkeling again at a shipwreck site. A trip to CYC Island was supposed to be a part of the tour, but we decided not to go there anymore since our guide informed us that it's not that clean since the island is free, which means no one's really paid to take care of it or clean it up. Because we decided to skip this one, we just anchored somewhere in the middle of the sea near CYC island to snorkel some more (I got panicky seeing the sea urchins, though, so I did not last very long snorkeling).

Me snorkeling at Siete Picados.

Except for a lot of corals, there isn't much to see at Siete Picados. I think Puerto Princesa's Pambato Reef is more interesting. or maybe we just anchored at a wrong part of the sea?

The Kayangan Lake drop off point. The actual lake is actually beyond that hill at the back.

Meet Steph and Kriztian, out tour buddies. We only met them during the tour

This is me on one of my many breaks during the climb. The steps were made of uneven and slippery slabs of rocks, which made the whole climb even more tiring and very challenging (dangerous).

The very famous Coron limestone. If you come back from Coron without a picture of this, then you probably didn't really go to Coron. Haha.

First view of Kayangan Lake. It was worth the climb.

Very, very, very serene. And very, very, very blue green, too

The Twin Lagoons are separated by a rock, and one has to go under a very narrow opening to get to the other side. The water is warm in some parts and cold in others.

 
So that wraps up our first day in Coron.

Note: I edited this more than 2 years later, so pardon if I won't be telling the tale of what happened during the other days of our Coron tour. Haha.

The Past, Present, and Future Presented (but not necessarily in that order)

I've been gone for quite some time, and during the past few months, a lot of things happened and changed. For now, I'll focus on the changes because I haven't gotten around to editing the pictures that will go in the blog post about the things that happened yet.

It's no secret that I already left my job of more than four years sometime in February. Back during that time, I thought I had a pretty clear idea of where I want to go to next. I was pretty dead set in pursuing a career in one of the biggest companies in the country that my uncle was employed in. I was thinking of a career in communications or sales.

However, I did not go apply for a job immediately after leaving my old company. I figured, if I get a job soon, it's going to get in the way of my planned Coron trip in March, which was really my main concern that time. Instead, I took a part time job because I really didn't want to be bothered with schedule. I only started looking for a job sometime after the Holy Week and was all excited about what the world will have for me -- only to have my little happy bubble get burst.

I thought that my four-year experience at CCI will actually get me somewhere. After all, and this would sound a lot like bragging, I've done a number of things there I am proud of and handling a team seems like an experience that is going to be relevant in other companies. Unfortunately, it isn't. The kind of service we offer at Clientcomm is so unique, it's impossible to use it anywhere else. Aside from this, my experience handling teams there will only lead to another job in a BPO-setting, something I am not really sure I like.

To cut the long story short, I spent less than two months going to interviews, and nothing fruitful came out of them. My experience just seemed irrelevant everywhere. Add that to the fact that I didn't use my Computer Science degree at all during the past four years that I've been working, deeming that degree practically unusable.

It's at this point wherein I sunk in a semi-depressed state that no one really knew except the boyfriend. I was filled with frustrations from head to foot. For a short time, I didn't know what to do with my life, and there were times when I was alone and I'll just cry. But just like what I learned back in 2010, I started to rise up above it all when I've already sunk so low.

Sometime in June, I started re-assessing my priorities and my motivations in getting a job, and I realized that maybe I was going after a career for the wrong reasons. Over the past year, I've been acquainted with what I will call the career people (how un-inventive, Bianca. haha). I wouldn't name who these people are, but the stories I've been hearing about their jobs and the perks were pretty impressive that I kind of wanted the same thing for myself.  It made me see the the big differences with their careers and my job at CCI. At CCI, people will come at a point where they will have to admit that it's the farthest they can go already. I saw this point because of the career people. There was no way I'm going to get what those people are getting if I stayed at CCI. I feel that this is one of the main reasons why I left my previous job.

When I sunk low, however, I started asking myself if the benefits of a career are really what's pushing me to look for one in the first place. Will that reason be enough? I spent some time analyzing and re-analyzing what I really want. Do I just want a health card? A car loan? Security? What do I really want the future to be like? This re-assessment didn't really allow me to look forward to today, but it did something even better: it brought me back to the past.

I realized that I knew what I want all along. As a matter of fact,  my dreams were very clear as early as I was 16, probably when I was even younger. I've always known what I want to be. I may have been unsure the past couple of years, but my heart has always known. My semi-depressed state made me realize what my dream is, and what it has always been: I want to be a mother.

I want a child or children, no matter how many God gives me. I want someone to read stories to, teach alphabets to, make clay sculptures with. I want someone to feed and smell and discipline. I want someone I will bring to Nursery school, and if he/she goes home crying, I'll want to be the person to wipe those tears away and tell him/her that Mama will always be here. And then he/she will smile and things will be alright again. Then we'll draw and color and even cook brownies. I'll teach him/her who Jesus is and make sure he/she will  never go to bed without saying a prayer of thanks. I'll make sure he/she knows what's right from wrong and make sure he/she will know how to say "I'm sorry," "thank you," and "I love you." And when he/she has grown and get hurt and make mistakes, I'm going to be there for him/her to hold on, too.

But not only that. I also want a husband who'll give me the sweetest kiss when he gets home from work and tell me that he's just eaten the best meal he's ever eaten every single time. When he'll have a particularly hard day at work, I'll give him a back rub and make sure he goes to bed with a smile on his face. I want someone who'll tell me he's got my back and I'll also tell him I've got his. On very lazy Sundays, we'll just watch TV together. I want a husband who's going to raise God-fearing children with me. Who's going to be with me through the thick and thin and everything that will go in between even when everything's going South already.

And before I know it, things just fell into place.

Right now, I've stopped job searching. Why am I going after a career I know I will let go of when the time comes my dream will come true? So does this mean I'll just bum around my house until I get married and have a family? Or were you guys thinking I'm about to announce that I'm with a baby and getting married before the year ends? Ummm, neither.

I have decided to take on a full-time, home-based work, and while I'm at it, I'll start the business I've conceptualized last year. Maybe, I'll take a sewing class -- something I've always wanted but never found the time to do. And since I can bring my job anywhere, I can go on trips whenever I want to. Or I can take up Education majoring in Child Education to prepare for the time when I'm with a child or children. Suddenly, the opportunities are endless.

So to commemorate these changes, I did this:

Oh, I did mention changes? The other change is I got drunk already, and as I was told, I was a very funny drunk. I'm turning 26 in October, and I only got drunk this year. The culprit? Tequila. My boyfriend and I had half a bottle of tequila the night the Comedy King died. You'd think, after I've gotten smashed (and developed rashes after), that I will just completely forget about tequila. Unfortunately, I haven't. I think about tequila every now and then, but I've been good. Haven't gotten drunk again. At least not yet.

And that is the anticlimactic end to this blog post. Sorry for the letdown, you guys. :)

12 Months of Brighter than the Sun Days!

The saying "Time flies when you're having fun" has been ridiculously overused. Unfortunately for me, I can't find a cliche better than this to aptly describe the year that Yayay and I have been together. Just like that, a year already passed since we got together on March 19, 2011.

I must admit that when I coerced Yayay to date me on Valentine's Day of 2011, I wanted nothing but a date with (1) a stable and totally NOT whiny guy, (2) someone whose not younger than me, and (3) someone who I hope will not look at me like I'm going to be good for his diet. Yayay, who I met through my mom, fit the bill, and I know he would think twice about doing something stupid lest he wanted to answer to my mother. I wasn't really expecting sparks; I just wanted someone decent to go out with. However, the first date of dinner and fireworks was so awe-spectacular that I found myself dating him every weekend for the next six weeks after that. Everything that followed was, like they say, history.

And here we are, a year later, still together. Still pretty much in love.

Coron Anniversary.

It's been a year, and Yayay has never made me cry. Not once. I thought that the fighting and the crying and the pain is part of a relationship, and after the last one, I am more than prepared and probably expecting that. However, as I looked back at the things that happened over the past year when we were filming the video that was my anniversary gift to Yayay, it dawned on me that I have never cried because of him. We do fight, but we never got around to crying. There was no pain that lulled me to sleep. Ever. He had been that good to me.

I used to have too many regrets in my life. Things I wished I did but never got around to doing mostly because I was sick. I regret not going to university. I regret not boarding a plane sooner, something I've always been afraid of doing. During our trip to Coron last March, I climbed all 724 steps to Mt. Tapyas and more than 150 steps to Kayangan Lake. I have never, in my whole life since I became sick, did I think I was ever going to do that. Nobody believed I could, so I also never thought I could. But Yayay believed. When I told him, "Bahala na si Lord. Kaya yan!" regarding our plan to climb Mt. Tapyas, he told me, "Yan ang gusto ko sayo. Wala kang inaatrasan" all my belief on myself returned. I can't be afraid of getting tired anymore. Now's the time to not regret anything. Now is the time to live and to do something I am going to be proud of. While it took me two hours to get to Mt. Tapyas' summit, I did get there.

The most rewarding "buwis-buhay" stunt I'll ever do!

Yayay taught me that life is not about convenience. That it is about seizing opportunities and going to where there's something more to learn from. Back to three years ago, I told myself that I won't leave Clientcom unless a job abroad is knocking on my door already. It's just 20 minutes from home anyway. There is no harrowing commute involved. It was the very definition of convenience. So I stuck it out even if the person who drilled on me that it was very convenient was already out of my life. That is until I met Yayay. When I was already at odds with my previous job, he asked me, "May natututunan ka pa ba dyan? Masaya ka pa ba?" When all I had as an answer is "No", he supported my decision to get out. He didn't care about the convenience of the job. My sickness will not be the deciding factor as to whether I should stay or not.

When people write "I love you not only for who you are but for who I am when I am with you" before, I didn't get it. Now, I understand. I have never thought I will be this version of myself, but now I am. I look at myself, look back at the previous year with Yayay, and I am happy not just because he is a great guy, but because I feel like I am a great girl because of him.

A better version of myself? Approve!

Yayay always tells me that I made his life happier when I came, but as for me, he gave me a life worth living. And if the first year is a preview of what the rest of the relationship will be, then I can say I definitely have one I really want to keep.

Anniversary video.

Bittersweet Ending

After 4 years, 4 months, and 2 days in the company, I finally quit.

I never blatantly wrote about quitting my job in this blog (or anywhere else for that matter) because I didn't have the guts to break the news to the people, I realized, are the only people I really care about in the workplace -- my tutors -- and I don't want them to find out through this blog. I didn't have the heart to tell them. I don't want to see their faces when I tell them the news. So I really postponed the goddamned thing until I cannot postpone it anymore because I only have a little over a week left on the 30 days I need to render before I can leave.

I remember the exact night when I finally made the decision to resign. It was the same night my tutors went off to Vikings to stuff themselves silly, which is one of the many things my team and I share. I was supposed to go with them, but I found myself broke, again, which is more like the rule than the exception in the last few months of 2011. If I wasn't mistaken, it was the first day of the 3-day Endurance Test that we were to take a part of. It was the ultimate shove that sent me catapulting to resignation Wonderland. I was in Yellow Cab then having late dinner with Le Boyfriend when I told him if I only have this something, I'll resign now. Nothing will stop me. He asked me if that is really what I really need and really the only thing that's stopping me. I said yes. He said he'll get me that. I said, "Ok. I'll hand over my resignation letter after the party." And that I really did.

I tried (very hard, I must say) to see all the good things about my job in the last few months there: the flexible schedule, all the lazing around I can do, and handle the most wonderful tutors in the company (I'm not going to be kidding anyone -- NOT everyone was fun to handle), but there are things that got to me, been getting to me actually for the longest time already. Sitting next to someone I abhor is just really the start of the long list.

I didn't know where my stay is taking me anymore. People might be thinking, "she's a supervisor, reigning on top of most everyone else..." but I just didn't see where I was going anymore. I look at my right and I see someone getting prepped as QA Lordship. I look at my left and I see someone who's being prepped as the next best thing that will ever happen to Operations, and then there was me -- the middle child the parents never really paid attention to. I go to work every single day knowing these people don't really trust me with anything, I wonder where I'll be in the next few months. As a matter of fact, I led the team which won the Endurance Test that December, and the company owner made a joke about us cheating the goddamned thing. God. My tutors and I went unwashed and sleep-deprived for two fucking days and this person joked about us cheating. If I was ever going to change my mind about resigning, that hope flew out of the night sky the very instant I heard that joke. I am not going to stay for someone who thinks very little of the work I did.

A few weeks before my last day, the company tried to talk me out of my resignation saying exciting changes are on their way, they'll work on the things I wrote to my Manager, etc. But I've heard these all before. I was waiting for something, an offer actually, but I think it's still in the works and I really don't want to stay for something that's still in the works. When my tutors walked home to the Batcave with me the same day I announced my resignation, they asked if the company made me an offer. I said no, they didn't, and they didn't take it that well. They said, "If they want someone to stay, they'll offer something" which, again, made me think that, well, maybe the company really don't want me lingering around.

So here I am, two weeks into my freedom, and really, the only people I miss are my tutors.

Last February 12, my teams and I went out on our last hurrah to use the money we got from the 3-Day Endurance Test. We rented a resort in the Outing capital of the Philippines (haha) and had a great time. They sang their lungs out, I swam until I can't anymore, and we all stuffed ourselves silly with food. Before the day ended, though, they did a small program in my honor.

They started it by coercing me to cry which I didn't, so when they realized that I will never give a speech and cry, they did the next best thing -- thank me for everything I did for the teams. I almost cried at that point as they thanked me for what seemed to be every little thing I did for them: thank them for the great output, allow them to take their leaves, laugh and make noise with them, cook for them when they were starving already, etc. Things I never really thought people notice. It was only then did I feel that whatever job I did for Clientcomm was a job well done. My tutors love me, and I love them, and together we worked the best way we knew how. We laughed together, got fat together, went unwashed together, made noise together, annoyed every KJ in that office together and had the best of times together.

My ride at Clientcomm was bittersweet, but because I was with these people, I wouldn't have it any other way.

The 2011 Year-Ender Special: Something that came too late

It's now 14 days into 2012, and I am just ashamed to have only ended 2011 for my blog today. But you all know what they say: It's better late than never! Haha.

I am dubbing 2011 as The Year I Lived. Not that I was dead for 24 years before 2011, but I feel like I have been cooped up all my life before last year. It must be all the things I feel like I wasn't able to experience: four years in high school, life in university, just plain going around places like a normal human being, etc. Besides, I feel like 2011 gave me back everything I lost in 2010 plus a lot more.

Promotions. 2011 started with, not one but two, promotions: as Senior Team Lead and as Lead Tutor. Basically, I get to coordinate the sub-team leads in the office and do quality-related stuff at work. It was nice to work with Julie again, who trained me to be a tutor, except that this time, I was being trained to train people. It was also nice to be considered for a position I lost to a dear friend at work (haha). Overall, I just felt like I was doing a good job again, something I think I honestly sucked at most of 2010. Promotions, however, didn't stop there. I got another one in March. This time as Program Supervisor.

First Plane Ride. I went to Palawan last June when I had my first plane ride! I wasn't really supposed to hop on a plane just like that without checking with my doctor first since I have a congenital heart disease, and I wasn't really supposed to ride one (hihi). But I bought the plane ticket on a whim, so checking with the doctor first didn't really happen. Later on, I figured that the doctor may not allow me to ride the plane (and I already paid), so I just allowed myself to stress about it the last few weeks leading to the trip. I just thought that if I die in the plane ride, it was my fault, so there. I rode it, and like all the rides I embark on, I fell asleep almost all throughout the ride. Haha. But I woke up when we were miles up in the air with beautiful Palawan below. My first plane ride: just plain wonderful.

Teams to handle: Since I was promoted to Supervisor, I got to handle two teams this year: Gaiman and Machiavelli. I was the original sTL of Gaiman which I had Philip adopt when I was promoted to Senior Team Lead. Machiavelli, on the other hand, was Chris' brainchild. Handling two teams to handle when there are a lot of issues and no sTLs can get a bit crazy at times, but when they start working their asses off and meeting and going over the quota, all the crazy days become worth it.

Team Bato: Team Bato bloomed from a common love for making fun of people. Ok, that was a joke. Haha. Actually, Team Bato is an exclusive, invite-only "dysfunctional family unit" (Cruz, R., 2011). It's mostly made up of Team Gaiman and some people from other teams. Quite honestly, I was a bit surprised at how these people all got along too well. We aren't just officemates anymore. We're a family in every single way even if we can get a bit dysfunctional at times. Sometimes, only people sustain you in a company, and this is exactly what Team Bato is doing to me or probably to all of us. In an office, there are people you hate, people you kinda like, people you like and people you love. Without batting an eyelash, I can say, from the bottom of my heart, I love Team Bato.

End of Year Productivity Award. Second time in a row for Team Gaiman. I won't write a lot about it anymore, lest I sound too smug, but Oh Yeah! =D

New home. After living in Las Pinas for more than 3 years, I moved to my new home just before 2011 ended, and I don't see myself moving out really soon or for good or at least until I have my first child. I look out of my window each night to watch the passing cars, to feel the chilly breeze in my face, and I know that I'd rather not be anywhere else. It's not the most convenient place to live in given where I currently work, but whenever I step into compound no matter how harrowing the commute is, I feel that I am home.

Last but not the least...

Le Boyfriend. I look at Yayay, and I realize just how lucky I am. He saved me from myself. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but he gives me something to be thankful for everyday. He prods me to go out and live life, to grab opportunities, to try things at least once, to not be afraid, to take risks, to live the life I should have lived years ago. With Yayay, I am not sick. With Yayay, I am strong. With Yayay, I can do what I want to do. With Yayay, I am me. I've learned a lot in almost 10 months because Yayay doesn't protect me from what can hurt. He lets me be, and I like myself better today.

2011 has been wonderful. Bad things happened -- yes, they did, but 2011 still rocked, and I wish that 2012 will be just as great. =)

Happy Holidays!

So my teams and I had a Christmas photoshoot last week. And here is our Happy Holidays greeting card. Haha.

May your Christmas be filled with joy

And your New Year overflowing with blessings

Teams Gaiman & Machiavelli

The Wonder that is Palawan

I know. This blog is late. I've been putting this blog off for the longest time already, but I said I will be blogging about the highlights/craziness I did when I was 24 (which I never got around to doing), and this trip is high in the ranks (if it isn't up there yet). I went to Puerto Princesa, Palawan last June, and this trip is the first of many things.

It was my first trip with Yayay, and my first trip very far from my parents with only the boyfriend. I didn't know how to tell my parents until a few weeks before the trip (and we booked it 3 months in advance). I was so happy my parents didn't make such a big fuss out of it, but I was sad because it meant I was too old already I can go wherever I want to without hearing a lot from Mama and Papa.

It was also my first time to ride an airplane. Technically, because I am sick, the doctor told me that riding an airplane may not be a very good idea. The pressure in the airplane may be something my lungs won't be able to take, and so for 24 years, I didn't go anywhere. I was really antsy and scared during the last few weeks leading to the trip. I was constantly online researching on whether I would be able to take the pressure. But the flight went without any hassle at all; I fell asleep 10 minutes into the air and woke up when we're in Palawan already.

First airplane ride!

First view of Palawan

I was all giddy when we landed! The airport terminal is small which suits me just well since I can't do a lot of walking anyway. We had an itinerary the entire trip so we didn't really worry about where to go.

We spent our first afternoon in Palawan touring the city. A lot of people there went on group tours in vans, but one of Yayay's friends highly recommended Kuya Rolly, a local who owns a tricycle, so we spent the afternoon in his tricycle getting to know the city. Palawan has very nice tricycles -- really different from the cramped ones we have in Manila that also get us soaked when it rains. We were quite happy to book Kuya Rolly. He's very hospitable, just like every Palaweno, and he filled us in with all there is to expect in Palawan. He's also very handy with the camera! :) Here's the first day in pictures:

Typical Palawan tricycle.

That's Kuya Rolly for you! He kept on talking during the ride to the Crocodile Farm amidst the tricycle noise, and I'm like "Ah talaga po. Ahh." And when Yayay asks me, "Ano daw?" I answer with "Ewan ko. Di ko maintindihan. Ang ingay eh!" Hahaha.

With a baby crocodile.

With the biggest crocodile at the farm. It doesn't look too scary in the picture, but it's Godzilla-big in person.

At Mitra's ranch.

At Baker's Hill. This is where all the baked goodies are.

Gooey pizza at Baker's Hill.

Weaving at Pinagbuatan Creations.

The first day at Palawan is like a warm-up of sorts. Day 2 is when the actual fun starts with a trip to the Underground River! Imagine going to one of the finalists of the 7 New Wonders of Nature! The trip is made up of usually rough roads.. Though rough, the ride had been nice. It was a view of mountains and valleys to fall in love with. Finally, we got to Sabang after 2 hours where we have to take another 45 minute boat ride that will take us to the Subterranean River National Park. After registering, we trekked for a few more minutes before we, again, boarded a boat which will take us inside the Underground River.

Finally, Sabang after two hours!

Panoramic view of Sabang Beach.

Boat ride at Sabang.

A rock formation.

Mandatory couple pic. :D

A monkey and a monitor lizard roaming around the Subterrenean National Park. The monkeys are notorious for bag-grabbing!

All geared up for the Underground River tour!

The cave's mouth.

This is what the inside (nearest the cave's mouth) looks like. It's pitch dark inside (zero visibility) and there are a lot of bats (and bat shit!). :)

We conquered the Underground River, yo!

We had our first lunch buffet after the Underground River Tour before we went back to our hotel. We didn't have a photo of the food, but they serve great food in Palawan! Usually, food included in tours/packages are unsatisfying, but that was NEVER the case in Palawan. I'd go back for the food alone! There weren't a lot of choices but what they had were a lot and were cooked really well, too.

We went back to the hotel late in the afternoon, showered, and went around the city. I went ukay shopping near the town's market (what's a trip without a little [thrift] shopping!) and then headed off to Kinabuch's for dinner. Kinambuch is famous for the tamilok, a local worm delicacy, which Yayay was looking forward to try. I would've been coerced to eat it, but just my luck that it wasn't tamilok season! :P

Day 3 of our Palawan adventure is our trip to Honda Bay! We decided to leave my digicam at the hotel since we have the DSLR, and my cam went unused the day before. To our dismay, we found out that the digicam would've been the better camera to bring here since plastic pouches can be rented at the jump-off point so that we can take pictures underwater while we go snorkeling. That was a real disappointment, so we just promised to go back just to go to Honda Bay again and take pictures underwater. :)

First stop is at the Pambato Coral Reef where we fed the fish, and I had my first snorkeling experience! It was scary at first to have myself floating in water and not seeing the ocean floor at all, but I was able to let of our guide after a while, and Yayay and I roamed the ocean ourselves. I am still at a loss for words as to how beautiful the depths of the water is.

We then went to Snake Island for lunch and for more snorkeling! There are no snakes here, but the sandbar is shaped like a snake from an aerial view, thus, the name. Snorkeling here was easy and really fun. The snokeling spots are just 10-15 meters away from the shore!

At Snake Island.

Next stop was Pandan Island which was a bit commercialized. We snorkeled some more before we showered and went back to the hotel.

What are these two up to? ;)

The fourth day is when we went back to Manila. Our flight was at 1pm, so we roamed the city one more time for pasalubong. We went to Plaza Cuartel which kind of has an Intramuros vibe, dropped by the church, ukay-ed a bit more, and off we went for the pasalubongs.

But more than the sights, Palawan has the best people. It was Filipino hospitality at its best. We had the best van drivers and the funniest tour guides! We felt really at ease in the city, so we just hail a cab outside the hotel at night, and go around the city by ourselves. The only think lacking here is a proper mall (though a Robinson's mall was being constructed at the time of our visit), but it wasn't too much of bother, really. I guess I just really felt very far from home without a mall around. Haha.

My trip to Palawan will always be very special. It was the first major trip I paid with my hard-earned money. In a way, it's like an initiation to adulthood, and it affirmed my love for travelling. I also realized how beautiful the Philippines is. It's a wonder how people are all looking forward to go to Europe, to go to the Carribean, when the places to see are right here. I have long stopped raving about Palawan (I did talked about it non-stop for weeks, and took it upon myself to convince everyone I talked to to go to Palawan), but I loved Palawan so much I already have another Palawan trip scheduled on March. It's going to be Coron this time, baby!