The Past, Present, and Future Presented (but not necessarily in that order)

I've been gone for quite some time, and during the past few months, a lot of things happened and changed. For now, I'll focus on the changes because I haven't gotten around to editing the pictures that will go in the blog post about the things that happened yet.

It's no secret that I already left my job of more than four years sometime in February. Back during that time, I thought I had a pretty clear idea of where I want to go to next. I was pretty dead set in pursuing a career in one of the biggest companies in the country that my uncle was employed in. I was thinking of a career in communications or sales.

However, I did not go apply for a job immediately after leaving my old company. I figured, if I get a job soon, it's going to get in the way of my planned Coron trip in March, which was really my main concern that time. Instead, I took a part time job because I really didn't want to be bothered with schedule. I only started looking for a job sometime after the Holy Week and was all excited about what the world will have for me -- only to have my little happy bubble get burst.

I thought that my four-year experience at CCI will actually get me somewhere. After all, and this would sound a lot like bragging, I've done a number of things there I am proud of and handling a team seems like an experience that is going to be relevant in other companies. Unfortunately, it isn't. The kind of service we offer at Clientcomm is so unique, it's impossible to use it anywhere else. Aside from this, my experience handling teams there will only lead to another job in a BPO-setting, something I am not really sure I like.

To cut the long story short, I spent less than two months going to interviews, and nothing fruitful came out of them. My experience just seemed irrelevant everywhere. Add that to the fact that I didn't use my Computer Science degree at all during the past four years that I've been working, deeming that degree practically unusable.

It's at this point wherein I sunk in a semi-depressed state that no one really knew except the boyfriend. I was filled with frustrations from head to foot. For a short time, I didn't know what to do with my life, and there were times when I was alone and I'll just cry. But just like what I learned back in 2010, I started to rise up above it all when I've already sunk so low.

Sometime in June, I started re-assessing my priorities and my motivations in getting a job, and I realized that maybe I was going after a career for the wrong reasons. Over the past year, I've been acquainted with what I will call the career people (how un-inventive, Bianca. haha). I wouldn't name who these people are, but the stories I've been hearing about their jobs and the perks were pretty impressive that I kind of wanted the same thing for myself.  It made me see the the big differences with their careers and my job at CCI. At CCI, people will come at a point where they will have to admit that it's the farthest they can go already. I saw this point because of the career people. There was no way I'm going to get what those people are getting if I stayed at CCI. I feel that this is one of the main reasons why I left my previous job.

When I sunk low, however, I started asking myself if the benefits of a career are really what's pushing me to look for one in the first place. Will that reason be enough? I spent some time analyzing and re-analyzing what I really want. Do I just want a health card? A car loan? Security? What do I really want the future to be like? This re-assessment didn't really allow me to look forward to today, but it did something even better: it brought me back to the past.

I realized that I knew what I want all along. As a matter of fact,  my dreams were very clear as early as I was 16, probably when I was even younger. I've always known what I want to be. I may have been unsure the past couple of years, but my heart has always known. My semi-depressed state made me realize what my dream is, and what it has always been: I want to be a mother.

I want a child or children, no matter how many God gives me. I want someone to read stories to, teach alphabets to, make clay sculptures with. I want someone to feed and smell and discipline. I want someone I will bring to Nursery school, and if he/she goes home crying, I'll want to be the person to wipe those tears away and tell him/her that Mama will always be here. And then he/she will smile and things will be alright again. Then we'll draw and color and even cook brownies. I'll teach him/her who Jesus is and make sure he/she will  never go to bed without saying a prayer of thanks. I'll make sure he/she knows what's right from wrong and make sure he/she will know how to say "I'm sorry," "thank you," and "I love you." And when he/she has grown and get hurt and make mistakes, I'm going to be there for him/her to hold on, too.

But not only that. I also want a husband who'll give me the sweetest kiss when he gets home from work and tell me that he's just eaten the best meal he's ever eaten every single time. When he'll have a particularly hard day at work, I'll give him a back rub and make sure he goes to bed with a smile on his face. I want someone who'll tell me he's got my back and I'll also tell him I've got his. On very lazy Sundays, we'll just watch TV together. I want a husband who's going to raise God-fearing children with me. Who's going to be with me through the thick and thin and everything that will go in between even when everything's going South already.

And before I know it, things just fell into place.

Right now, I've stopped job searching. Why am I going after a career I know I will let go of when the time comes my dream will come true? So does this mean I'll just bum around my house until I get married and have a family? Or were you guys thinking I'm about to announce that I'm with a baby and getting married before the year ends? Ummm, neither.

I have decided to take on a full-time, home-based work, and while I'm at it, I'll start the business I've conceptualized last year. Maybe, I'll take a sewing class -- something I've always wanted but never found the time to do. And since I can bring my job anywhere, I can go on trips whenever I want to. Or I can take up Education majoring in Child Education to prepare for the time when I'm with a child or children. Suddenly, the opportunities are endless.

So to commemorate these changes, I did this:

Oh, I did mention changes? The other change is I got drunk already, and as I was told, I was a very funny drunk. I'm turning 26 in October, and I only got drunk this year. The culprit? Tequila. My boyfriend and I had half a bottle of tequila the night the Comedy King died. You'd think, after I've gotten smashed (and developed rashes after), that I will just completely forget about tequila. Unfortunately, I haven't. I think about tequila every now and then, but I've been good. Haven't gotten drunk again. At least not yet.

And that is the anticlimactic end to this blog post. Sorry for the letdown, you guys. :)

12 Months of Brighter than the Sun Days!

The saying "Time flies when you're having fun" has been ridiculously overused. Unfortunately for me, I can't find a cliche better than this to aptly describe the year that Yayay and I have been together. Just like that, a year already passed since we got together on March 19, 2011.

I must admit that when I coerced Yayay to date me on Valentine's Day of 2011, I wanted nothing but a date with (1) a stable and totally NOT whiny guy, (2) someone whose not younger than me, and (3) someone who I hope will not look at me like I'm going to be good for his diet. Yayay, who I met through my mom, fit the bill, and I know he would think twice about doing something stupid lest he wanted to answer to my mother. I wasn't really expecting sparks; I just wanted someone decent to go out with. However, the first date of dinner and fireworks was so awe-spectacular that I found myself dating him every weekend for the next six weeks after that. Everything that followed was, like they say, history.

And here we are, a year later, still together. Still pretty much in love.

Coron Anniversary.

It's been a year, and Yayay has never made me cry. Not once. I thought that the fighting and the crying and the pain is part of a relationship, and after the last one, I am more than prepared and probably expecting that. However, as I looked back at the things that happened over the past year when we were filming the video that was my anniversary gift to Yayay, it dawned on me that I have never cried because of him. We do fight, but we never got around to crying. There was no pain that lulled me to sleep. Ever. He had been that good to me.

I used to have too many regrets in my life. Things I wished I did but never got around to doing mostly because I was sick. I regret not going to university. I regret not boarding a plane sooner, something I've always been afraid of doing. During our trip to Coron last March, I climbed all 724 steps to Mt. Tapyas and more than 150 steps to Kayangan Lake. I have never, in my whole life since I became sick, did I think I was ever going to do that. Nobody believed I could, so I also never thought I could. But Yayay believed. When I told him, "Bahala na si Lord. Kaya yan!" regarding our plan to climb Mt. Tapyas, he told me, "Yan ang gusto ko sayo. Wala kang inaatrasan" all my belief on myself returned. I can't be afraid of getting tired anymore. Now's the time to not regret anything. Now is the time to live and to do something I am going to be proud of. While it took me two hours to get to Mt. Tapyas' summit, I did get there.

The most rewarding "buwis-buhay" stunt I'll ever do!

Yayay taught me that life is not about convenience. That it is about seizing opportunities and going to where there's something more to learn from. Back to three years ago, I told myself that I won't leave Clientcom unless a job abroad is knocking on my door already. It's just 20 minutes from home anyway. There is no harrowing commute involved. It was the very definition of convenience. So I stuck it out even if the person who drilled on me that it was very convenient was already out of my life. That is until I met Yayay. When I was already at odds with my previous job, he asked me, "May natututunan ka pa ba dyan? Masaya ka pa ba?" When all I had as an answer is "No", he supported my decision to get out. He didn't care about the convenience of the job. My sickness will not be the deciding factor as to whether I should stay or not.

When people write "I love you not only for who you are but for who I am when I am with you" before, I didn't get it. Now, I understand. I have never thought I will be this version of myself, but now I am. I look at myself, look back at the previous year with Yayay, and I am happy not just because he is a great guy, but because I feel like I am a great girl because of him.

A better version of myself? Approve!

Yayay always tells me that I made his life happier when I came, but as for me, he gave me a life worth living. And if the first year is a preview of what the rest of the relationship will be, then I can say I definitely have one I really want to keep.

Anniversary video.

Bittersweet Ending

After 4 years, 4 months, and 2 days in the company, I finally quit.

I never blatantly wrote about quitting my job in this blog (or anywhere else for that matter) because I didn't have the guts to break the news to the people, I realized, are the only people I really care about in the workplace -- my tutors -- and I don't want them to find out through this blog. I didn't have the heart to tell them. I don't want to see their faces when I tell them the news. So I really postponed the goddamned thing until I cannot postpone it anymore because I only have a little over a week left on the 30 days I need to render before I can leave.

I remember the exact night when I finally made the decision to resign. It was the same night my tutors went off to Vikings to stuff themselves silly, which is one of the many things my team and I share. I was supposed to go with them, but I found myself broke, again, which is more like the rule than the exception in the last few months of 2011. If I wasn't mistaken, it was the first day of the 3-day Endurance Test that we were to take a part of. It was the ultimate shove that sent me catapulting to resignation Wonderland. I was in Yellow Cab then having late dinner with Le Boyfriend when I told him if I only have this something, I'll resign now. Nothing will stop me. He asked me if that is really what I really need and really the only thing that's stopping me. I said yes. He said he'll get me that. I said, "Ok. I'll hand over my resignation letter after the party." And that I really did.

I tried (very hard, I must say) to see all the good things about my job in the last few months there: the flexible schedule, all the lazing around I can do, and handle the most wonderful tutors in the company (I'm not going to be kidding anyone -- NOT everyone was fun to handle), but there are things that got to me, been getting to me actually for the longest time already. Sitting next to someone I abhor is just really the start of the long list.

I didn't know where my stay is taking me anymore. People might be thinking, "she's a supervisor, reigning on top of most everyone else..." but I just didn't see where I was going anymore. I look at my right and I see someone getting prepped as QA Lordship. I look at my left and I see someone who's being prepped as the next best thing that will ever happen to Operations, and then there was me -- the middle child the parents never really paid attention to. I go to work every single day knowing these people don't really trust me with anything, I wonder where I'll be in the next few months. As a matter of fact, I led the team which won the Endurance Test that December, and the company owner made a joke about us cheating the goddamned thing. God. My tutors and I went unwashed and sleep-deprived for two fucking days and this person joked about us cheating. If I was ever going to change my mind about resigning, that hope flew out of the night sky the very instant I heard that joke. I am not going to stay for someone who thinks very little of the work I did.

A few weeks before my last day, the company tried to talk me out of my resignation saying exciting changes are on their way, they'll work on the things I wrote to my Manager, etc. But I've heard these all before. I was waiting for something, an offer actually, but I think it's still in the works and I really don't want to stay for something that's still in the works. When my tutors walked home to the Batcave with me the same day I announced my resignation, they asked if the company made me an offer. I said no, they didn't, and they didn't take it that well. They said, "If they want someone to stay, they'll offer something" which, again, made me think that, well, maybe the company really don't want me lingering around.

So here I am, two weeks into my freedom, and really, the only people I miss are my tutors.

Last February 12, my teams and I went out on our last hurrah to use the money we got from the 3-Day Endurance Test. We rented a resort in the Outing capital of the Philippines (haha) and had a great time. They sang their lungs out, I swam until I can't anymore, and we all stuffed ourselves silly with food. Before the day ended, though, they did a small program in my honor.

They started it by coercing me to cry which I didn't, so when they realized that I will never give a speech and cry, they did the next best thing -- thank me for everything I did for the teams. I almost cried at that point as they thanked me for what seemed to be every little thing I did for them: thank them for the great output, allow them to take their leaves, laugh and make noise with them, cook for them when they were starving already, etc. Things I never really thought people notice. It was only then did I feel that whatever job I did for Clientcomm was a job well done. My tutors love me, and I love them, and together we worked the best way we knew how. We laughed together, got fat together, went unwashed together, made noise together, annoyed every KJ in that office together and had the best of times together.

My ride at Clientcomm was bittersweet, but because I was with these people, I wouldn't have it any other way.

The 2011 Year-Ender Special: Something that came too late

It's now 14 days into 2012, and I am just ashamed to have only ended 2011 for my blog today. But you all know what they say: It's better late than never! Haha.

I am dubbing 2011 as The Year I Lived. Not that I was dead for 24 years before 2011, but I feel like I have been cooped up all my life before last year. It must be all the things I feel like I wasn't able to experience: four years in high school, life in university, just plain going around places like a normal human being, etc. Besides, I feel like 2011 gave me back everything I lost in 2010 plus a lot more.

Promotions. 2011 started with, not one but two, promotions: as Senior Team Lead and as Lead Tutor. Basically, I get to coordinate the sub-team leads in the office and do quality-related stuff at work. It was nice to work with Julie again, who trained me to be a tutor, except that this time, I was being trained to train people. It was also nice to be considered for a position I lost to a dear friend at work (haha). Overall, I just felt like I was doing a good job again, something I think I honestly sucked at most of 2010. Promotions, however, didn't stop there. I got another one in March. This time as Program Supervisor.

First Plane Ride. I went to Palawan last June when I had my first plane ride! I wasn't really supposed to hop on a plane just like that without checking with my doctor first since I have a congenital heart disease, and I wasn't really supposed to ride one (hihi). But I bought the plane ticket on a whim, so checking with the doctor first didn't really happen. Later on, I figured that the doctor may not allow me to ride the plane (and I already paid), so I just allowed myself to stress about it the last few weeks leading to the trip. I just thought that if I die in the plane ride, it was my fault, so there. I rode it, and like all the rides I embark on, I fell asleep almost all throughout the ride. Haha. But I woke up when we were miles up in the air with beautiful Palawan below. My first plane ride: just plain wonderful.

Teams to handle: Since I was promoted to Supervisor, I got to handle two teams this year: Gaiman and Machiavelli. I was the original sTL of Gaiman which I had Philip adopt when I was promoted to Senior Team Lead. Machiavelli, on the other hand, was Chris' brainchild. Handling two teams to handle when there are a lot of issues and no sTLs can get a bit crazy at times, but when they start working their asses off and meeting and going over the quota, all the crazy days become worth it.

Team Bato: Team Bato bloomed from a common love for making fun of people. Ok, that was a joke. Haha. Actually, Team Bato is an exclusive, invite-only "dysfunctional family unit" (Cruz, R., 2011). It's mostly made up of Team Gaiman and some people from other teams. Quite honestly, I was a bit surprised at how these people all got along too well. We aren't just officemates anymore. We're a family in every single way even if we can get a bit dysfunctional at times. Sometimes, only people sustain you in a company, and this is exactly what Team Bato is doing to me or probably to all of us. In an office, there are people you hate, people you kinda like, people you like and people you love. Without batting an eyelash, I can say, from the bottom of my heart, I love Team Bato.

End of Year Productivity Award. Second time in a row for Team Gaiman. I won't write a lot about it anymore, lest I sound too smug, but Oh Yeah! =D

New home. After living in Las Pinas for more than 3 years, I moved to my new home just before 2011 ended, and I don't see myself moving out really soon or for good or at least until I have my first child. I look out of my window each night to watch the passing cars, to feel the chilly breeze in my face, and I know that I'd rather not be anywhere else. It's not the most convenient place to live in given where I currently work, but whenever I step into compound no matter how harrowing the commute is, I feel that I am home.

Last but not the least...

Le Boyfriend. I look at Yayay, and I realize just how lucky I am. He saved me from myself. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but he gives me something to be thankful for everyday. He prods me to go out and live life, to grab opportunities, to try things at least once, to not be afraid, to take risks, to live the life I should have lived years ago. With Yayay, I am not sick. With Yayay, I am strong. With Yayay, I can do what I want to do. With Yayay, I am me. I've learned a lot in almost 10 months because Yayay doesn't protect me from what can hurt. He lets me be, and I like myself better today.

2011 has been wonderful. Bad things happened -- yes, they did, but 2011 still rocked, and I wish that 2012 will be just as great. =)